Greetings. I could use a little help.

[purgatory denizen]

A friend I know from another board who is a mod here (Becca) directed me here.  I've come here with the hope that maybe, just maybe somebody can shed some light on the madness that is consuming me.  I'm 19, male, and I live in Maine.

I have never been happy.  I was always depressed as a child.  My life was hard, strange, and complicated growing up.  However, since I was about 12, my mind has been getting worse and worse.  It started slow with not so severe depression.  Then it moved into severe, almost suicidal depression.  About 3 years ago the symptoms and whatever it is that is killing me appeared.  I'll make a list of the important things.

1.  3 years ago I started to think about life and reality and such.  I started to believe that existence was controlled by an all powerful force and that I was the most important thing other than it.  I theorized that it was possible that "It" and myself really were the only things in existence.  I knew it meant me harm in some way.  I was it's experiment.  It was watching my life and presenting me with obstacles.  It was fascinated with my misery.  Now my beliefs aren't so extreme.  I still believe that I am some sort of test or experiement, but I now ackowledge the existence of other people.  There must be some people that it can work through directly.  There must be others that are aware of what I'm aware of as well.  This whole thing is schizophrenic I know, but it's really not what is bothering me.

2.  I have "attacks" in which I lose all control of my thoughts.  These episodes are usually spent screaming and crying, waiting for the rapid, horrible thoughts to stop flowing through my head.  Usually, I'm thinking about my hatred towards "It" (Mentioned above.)  If any drugs are around at the time I will take them no matter what they are because at the time I just want to stop thinking.  These attacks happen less often these days, but I still fear that some day I will kill myself during one of them.

3.  I want to die.  In fact, that is all I really want lately.  I'm not suicidal, I just have a strong desire for death, which probably does not make sense.

4.  I always have a strong feeling of being out of place or not existing at all.  Also, I'm aware of the very feeling of being alive and I hate it.  Because of my beliefs nothing I say or do matters.

That's all I can say right now because my thoughts have been blocked.  It happens to me all the time when I try to get help.  None of the doctors and shrinks I have talked to have been able to diagnose me because I can't say as much as I know.  Also, all of the medications I have tried have not helped.  I have taken all the major anti-depressants, xanax for my attacks, and risperdal because they thought I was schizo.  The xanax was horrible.  I overdosed on it 5 times, because when I had an attack, I ate fistfuls of it, completely out of mind.

Please ask questions, leave your thoughts, and point me in some sort of direction.  My AIM is TalkingInsomnia if you wish to talk to me in person.

[flutterfly]

hey sweets...and welcome to our community!!! i don't really have any advise except ta tell you to stick around here cause we are all supportive of each other here. i hope someone that can help you reads your post! good luck ta ya n hang in there "K"!

good thoughts are goin' your way

flutterfly xo

[grousemouse]

hi purgy,

i have depression myself with no delusional symptoms like you describe. my first guess would be 'psychotic depression'. here's a link to give you some idea as to what it is if you've not heard of it before. http://www.healthyplace.com/Communities/de...n/psychotic.asp

here's a quote from that page. everything in quotes is their words.

"Psychotic depression is characterized by not only depressive symptoms, but also by hallucinations (seeing or hearing things that aren't really there) or delusions (irrational thoughts and fears). Often psychotically depressed people become paranoid or come to believe that their thoughts are not their own (thought insertion) or that others can

[myrkkyhammas]

yeah,  you sound schizoaffective, or at least severely depressed (with agitation).

if you want to keep living, find medication. you sound very similar to me when i'm depressed.

[flutterfly]

hey sweets...becca probably told you but if you don't find info that will help here there are links and more info on meds n such on the old site which you can link to by cliccking on crazy meds at the top of the home page.

gouse mouse is right cerebus might be able to help.

good luck to ya n hope you r well

flutterfly xo

[xdiamond]

That does sound like psychotic depression to me. I don't want to diagnose you, just giving suggestions. It can be awfully confusing with these things happening to you and doctors not knowing what they are, or not telling you. I can really relate to that thing you said about "It". I've had times when I believed no one else existed and that I was an experiment for some "outer source" who was constantly watching me and laughing at my misery. It's perplexing, isn't it?

Welcome to the boards, by the way. What distinguishes psychotic depression from schizoaffective disorder is if you've had times where you've been in psychosis with no depressive symptoms. In psychotic depression, psychosis and depression happen at the same time and the delusions and hallucinations are usually related to mood.