purgatory denizen Posted September 6, 2005 Share Posted September 6, 2005 A friend I know from another board who is a mod here (Becca) directed me here. I've come here with the hope that maybe, just maybe somebody can shed some light on the madness that is consuming me. I'm 19, male, and I live in Maine. I have never been happy. I was always depressed as a child. My life was hard, strange, and complicated growing up. However, since I was about 12, my mind has been getting worse and worse. It started slow with not so severe depression. Then it moved into severe, almost suicidal depression. About 3 years ago the symptoms and whatever it is that is killing me appeared. I'll make a list of the important things. 1. 3 years ago I started to think about life and reality and such. I started to believe that existence was controlled by an all powerful force and that I was the most important thing other than it. I theorized that it was possible that "It" and myself really were the only things in existence. I knew it meant me harm in some way. I was it's experiment. It was watching my life and presenting me with obstacles. It was fascinated with my misery. Now my beliefs aren't so extreme. I still believe that I am some sort of test or experiement, but I now ackowledge the existence of other people. There must be some people that it can work through directly. There must be others that are aware of what I'm aware of as well. This whole thing is schizophrenic I know, but it's really not what is bothering me. 2. I have "attacks" in which I lose all control of my thoughts. These episodes are usually spent screaming and crying, waiting for the rapid, horrible thoughts to stop flowing through my head. Usually, I'm thinking about my hatred towards "It" (Mentioned above.) If any drugs are around at the time I will take them no matter what they are because at the time I just want to stop thinking. These attacks happen less often these days, but I still fear that some day I will kill myself during one of them. 3. I want to die. In fact, that is all I really want lately. I'm not suicidal, I just have a strong desire for death, which probably does not make sense. 4. I always have a strong feeling of being out of place or not existing at all. Also, I'm aware of the very feeling of being alive and I hate it. Because of my beliefs nothing I say or do matters. That's all I can say right now because my thoughts have been blocked. It happens to me all the time when I try to get help. None of the doctors and shrinks I have talked to have been able to diagnose me because I can't say as much as I know. Also, all of the medications I have tried have not helped. I have taken all the major anti-depressants, xanax for my attacks, and risperdal because they thought I was schizo. The xanax was horrible. I overdosed on it 5 times, because when I had an attack, I ate fistfuls of it, completely out of mind. Please ask questions, leave your thoughts, and point me in some sort of direction. My AIM is TalkingInsomnia if you wish to talk to me in person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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