Hi there.

[Jen.]

Hi,

I've been reading various things on this site for quite a while now and I thought I should bite the bullet and join. I'm 23 and am going through a rather rough patch at the moment. I've had depression for a number of years though I only got diagnosed about 2 years ago (2 years before that I plucked up the courage to tell my GP what was wrong and he told me to go for a run and eat more fruit and veg, good advice for life perhaps, but not that helpful at the time). I avoided meds for as long as I could (I guess I was just scared) but eventually went on citalopram and upped the dose until I felt like a human being again. All was well for a year, until the depression got worse again. It out paced a med increase and since then I've been spiraling downward, despite trying a new yummy med (venlafexine) of ever increasing dose and seeing a Pdoc and Tdoc (will be starting CBT soon - apparently I'm depressed about having depression, does this sound like 'duh' to anyone or is it just me?). Pdoc is talking about adding a mood stabiliser - but I suffer from the danger of being a med student and reading everything I can get my hands on about depression and drugs etc... so am pretty scared (though at this point, willing to try anything).

Depression used to be something I could handle but now I can't. I can barely ever make it into work, my supervisors pretty supportive but he has his limits, just getting out of bed is getting nearly impossible a lot of the time. Occasional bruising is now cutting that requires A&E and my little brother picking me up in the middle of the night (I love him to pieces, but, man that was embarrassing). And my suicidal ideation is getting dangerously close to wandering to wards the real thing. I always promised myself I wouldn't do that to my friends and family (I've seen what the death of my cousin did to everyone) but when I'm down I just can't handle it. Perhaps reading things on this site was a bad idea, I know now that some people have depression for years but don't think I'm strong enough to live through that. I feel like I'm whining, other people seem to being going through just as tough stuff, but how are they still here? I guess I'm pretty near breaking point - I've tried escaping temporally with a small overdose of my sleeping tablet zopiclone (i only take it about twice a week normally) which has never had good results. Each time I promise never to do it again.

On paper I have a jolly good life, doing medicine at cambridge, combined with a swanky PhD at the moment in very cool lab, loving family and friends, a lovely guy that wants to date me but is happy to just be my friend because I simply can't cope with a boyfriend at the moment - but I want to die. I would give anything for this to be a different disease - one that didn't affect my mind and who I am and one that didn't take away my ability to fight it. My brothers girlfriend has Chrohn's, a nasty bowel disease, but I would really like to swap (except I wouldn't wish this on her, she's so lovely).

Ooops. Sorry for the info splurge. Am tempted to delete it and stick with the more traditional "hi there" but its written now and I guess you won't still be reading at this point if you don't want to (that is actually a surprisingly comforting thought - anyone who reads this does so because they want to, not because they're a friend and feel guilty or because they're a doctor and its their job or because I've cornered them - its easier to be honest this way). Yep, I have a real self esteem problem.

I'm not really expecting any blinding insights or pearls of wisdom (I apologise for the number of metaphors I've used so far, I think I may have been a creative writer in a past life), I just felt I should say hi since I've been reading what you've written the past few months,

So ... Hi there,

Jen xxx

[olga]

Hi, Jen!

Sounds like you need to be with some crazy people like us! Make yourself comfortable on the couch, and pretty soon this place will seem like your second home.

We have several members from the UK, and I hope you make their acquaintance. Sometimes it helps to get suggestions about navigating the system. I'm sorry the depression is so severe for you. Please give your pdoc some time to try the mood stabilizer before you make a rash decision.

Welcome to Crazyboards and I hope we can offer you some support.

olga

[The Emperor]

Hi! Depression fucking sucks, I hope you get it figured out soon.

Welcome to the boards!

[foley]

I like you. Being a medical person myself, it IS scary to know more about the meds sometimes. But a lot of us know that there is medical/research knowledge, and then there is real-world stuff. Both valuable! I, frankly, don't know how you are doing what you are able to (work, school, personal life). Keep trying. Something will change this current course. And you will be a MUCH better medical professional for it. (Secret belief: a better PERSON too!)

[bluelikejazz]

Hi Jen!

I'm sorry things are so rough at the moment. From reading CB it might look like antidepressants don't work, but I think lots of people rock up at a GP, take a ssri and go on their merry way without needing an online community.

So you've only tried two meds so far? You'll know from your med knowledge that there's plenty more to try.

People here are friendly. Nice to have you around

[Jen.]

Right back at you Foley!

Things aren't really going so well at the mo. I get one or two really good days (as in, I feel happy and normal-ish, although everything is a little bt more of an effort than it should be) and then I crash. Bit worried that this may mean I'm bi-polar, but don't get manic, or even hypomanic as far as I can tell. Its just like my moods are a light switch.

Hey ho, another thing to discuss if I ever get to see a Pdoc again. Gotta love the good ol' NHS, have to be discharged by my Pdoc in order to get on the fast list to see a Tdoc, at which pont I'll start seeing the Pdoc again. Does this make sense to anyone else?!

Alrightly, going to attempt sleep again. Night, night, xx

[bpladybug]

Things aren't really going so well at the mo. I get one or two really good days (as in, I feel happy and normal-ish, although everything is a little bt more of an effort than it should be) and then I crash. Bit worried that this may mean I'm bi-polar, but don't get manic, or even hypomanic as far as I can tell. Its just like my moods are a light switch.

Hey ho, another thing to discuss if I ever get to see a Pdoc again. Gotta love the good ol' NHS, have to be discharged by my Pdoc in order to get on the fast list to see a Tdoc, at which pont I'll start seeing the Pdoc again. Does this make sense to anyone else?!

Hi Jen,

Welcome! I agree that you need to try more meds. And don't fear mood stabilizers. They can do wonders. It might take a med combo to banish your depression. Your own private cocktail....

You have to be discharged by a Pdoc in order to get on the list to see a Tdoc??? what the f...........? That seems crazy. Of course if you were a student in the states you might write that you have no money to see a Pdoc or a Tdoc. sigh Neither system is ideal.

You will get through this Jen. I admire your studies and labor.

[ChemistryExperiment]

Hi Jen,

I really admire your courage to be so honest in an opening post! Kuddos!

I know it may seem endless, and just plain not worth it sometimes, but you haven't run out of options, so I'd hate to see you do something rash when there is hope!

I know sometimes we don't always see the hope, and I myself, have an easier time saying to others there is hope than finding it for myself.

I do admit, its a bit wonky that you have to be discharged by your pdoc to see a tdoc... it seems way unhelpful.

Hang in there, and don't be afraid to try more meds, or a "cocktail" of meds!