Jen. Posted July 7, 2010 Share Posted July 7, 2010 Hi, I've been reading various things on this site for quite a while now and I thought I should bite the bullet and join. I'm 23 and am going through a rather rough patch at the moment. I've had depression for a number of years though I only got diagnosed about 2 years ago (2 years before that I plucked up the courage to tell my GP what was wrong and he told me to go for a run and eat more fruit and veg, good advice for life perhaps, but not that helpful at the time). I avoided meds for as long as I could (I guess I was just scared) but eventually went on citalopram and upped the dose until I felt like a human being again. All was well for a year, until the depression got worse again. It out paced a med increase and since then I've been spiraling downward, despite trying a new yummy med (venlafexine) of ever increasing dose and seeing a Pdoc and Tdoc (will be starting CBT soon - apparently I'm depressed about having depression, does this sound like 'duh' to anyone or is it just me?). Pdoc is talking about adding a mood stabiliser - but I suffer from the danger of being a med student and reading everything I can get my hands on about depression and drugs etc... so am pretty scared (though at this point, willing to try anything). Depression used to be something I could handle but now I can't. I can barely ever make it into work, my supervisors pretty supportive but he has his limits, just getting out of bed is getting nearly impossible a lot of the time. Occasional bruising is now cutting that requires A&E and my little brother picking me up in the middle of the night (I love him to pieces, but, man that was embarrassing). And my suicidal ideation is getting dangerously close to wandering to wards the real thing. I always promised myself I wouldn't do that to my friends and family (I've seen what the death of my cousin did to everyone) but when I'm down I just can't handle it. Perhaps reading things on this site was a bad idea, I know now that some people have depression for years but don't think I'm strong enough to live through that. I feel like I'm whining, other people seem to being going through just as tough stuff, but how are they still here? I guess I'm pretty near breaking point - I've tried escaping temporally with a small overdose of my sleeping tablet zopiclone (i only take it about twice a week normally) which has never had good results. Each time I promise never to do it again. On paper I have a jolly good life, doing medicine at cambridge, combined with a swanky PhD at the moment in very cool lab, loving family and friends, a lovely guy that wants to date me but is happy to just be my friend because I simply can't cope with a boyfriend at the moment - but I want to die. I would give anything for this to be a different disease - one that didn't affect my mind and who I am and one that didn't take away my ability to fight it. My brothers girlfriend has Chrohn's, a nasty bowel disease, but I would really like to swap (except I wouldn't wish this on her, she's so lovely). Ooops. Sorry for the info splurge. Am tempted to delete it and stick with the more traditional "hi there" but its written now and I guess you won't still be reading at this point if you don't want to (that is actually a surprisingly comforting thought - anyone who reads this does so because they want to, not because they're a friend and feel guilty or because they're a doctor and its their job or because I've cornered them - its easier to be honest this way). Yep, I have a real self esteem problem. I'm not really expecting any blinding insights or pearls of wisdom (I apologise for the number of metaphors I've used so far, I think I may have been a creative writer in a past life), I just felt I should say hi since I've been reading what you've written the past few months, So ... Hi there, Jen xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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