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I'm going to bitch and whine now!


Lurkie

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Hi guys, I'm going to bitch and whine now! Ironically enough, that's what got me into this mess in the first place. Last year, I had friends. This year, I don't; and I know a big chunk of it is my fault.

BACKSTORY:

There has been a lot of shit going on in my life lately. I was put in a mental ward for about a week just at the end of last month. My biological father is making threats to come back to America to "handle matters himself", since he's apparently not comfortable with how my mother is doing. He claims not to be drinking or using using using substances anymore, but that's probably bullshit. My former step-sister says I should probably get a restraining order, since he's hit my mother and I before. Child support money isn't coming regularly. My father has accused me of faking my interstitial cystitis and bipolar one in order to get attention. I want to cut so bad. My first day at school was spent drunk and vomiting. My friends are driving now, but I can't, because I can't get a driver's licence. I'm an Argentine war refugee, and I have to get a green card before they will get me get a licence. That won't happen any time soon. I also can't work, as I can't have a work permit, also due to my war refugee status. My former step-sister will be moving away soon: the only close friend I've had for the past five years. I'm worried about where the money for gas and food will come from.

I could go on, but I think you get the picture. I have shit going on.

CATALYST:

I was sitting by my friend, let's call her J, this morning. She began to accuse me of making up details about my life to get attention. I was very offended and told her so. My other friend, let's call her An, came over at this point. They both began to insult me, and continued until I was visibly close to tears. Then An walked away. J and An were some of my closest friends last year.

My friend Am noticed how bewildered I was, and came over to help. She explained that, while I probably didn't know I was doing it, I had been hurting people's feelings lately. They see it as a cry for attentiona and pity, and they feel manipulated. They shouted that I was a drama queen. Apparently, I have been attemptingĀ  to dump my shit off on other people non-stop.

Anyone watch SNL? You know that one chick who is the "downer"? Whenever the other characters in the skit are having a fun conversation, she comes in and says something totally depressing to kill the mood. This is what I seem to have been doing since school started. I thought it would be okay to discuss my shit as long as I did it sarcastically and with a giggle, but I guess not. Many of my friends don't want to spend time with me anymore.

ISSUES:

Does anyone else have this problem? You have so much shit going on in your life that it just spills out onto other people, and you hurt them. You never meant to.

I feel like a Chinese vase filled with vomit. People see me around: aloof, blue-hiared, kind of pretty and mostly strange, and they're interested. They come talk to me. These people want to see what makes me tick. Once I show them, they're just freaked out. They run. The more private and cold I am, the more friends I have. When I reach out (rarely), then I'm just seen as clingy, and my outstretched hand is slapped back. My only close friend will be moving in a few weeks. I have a lot of friendly aquaintances, but apparently, no close friends. They only like me when I play the elevator talk.

Well, I suppose I will find a way to go back now. I'll take a broom and sweep all my pain back inside of me. Yet, I don't really know what to do with it. I might mutilate it out. I might drink it out. That's not what I want to do.

Am told me to go to therapy. I think I will. They have me the name of a psych doc when I was at the ward, so I do have somewhere to go. I can also bitch at you guys here, though maybe you'll get pissed at me too.

I guess I'll just take a break from my group of friends for a while, to let things cool off. Shit, I should cool off. I've been stumbling in the dark looking for someone to save me, but that's bullshit. I've gotta save myself, somehow. Dumping my shit on people won't help. When I go back, I'll be friendly and impersonal, and they'll accept me again.

Dear world: I don't want all your attention. I don't want your pity. I wanted you to heal this chasm for me. I see now that it was far too much to ask of you, and I'm sorry.

</angst>

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