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Just me again


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I'm still more up than down and still having difficulty sorting out what things I should go to my doc with and which I should leave alone.  My therapist and I are supposed to sit down with the DSM at my next appt and talk through symptoms and diagnoses, largely at my request.  My Pdoc is clearly thinking more and more that I'm in the BP camp but won't come out with it because I went into a panicky depression when she brought it up before.  She gave me the lab slips and script for depakote (she felt more comfortable in its use with a nursing mom) and suggested that the right combo of meds, particularly mood stabilizer, "would change my life".  And that she is a little concerned that the Zoloft may start making things worse.  But I don't think I can start anything while my daughter is nursing.

So, reading other people's posts makes me wonder about some of my own things.  Like seeing rats and/or large bugs out of the corner of my eye frequently.  Or always thinking the radio is on, or hearing my name.  Are those really things that are out of the realm of normal mental states?

I think mostly I'm here just to check in because I feel safe here.  Only a very few people in my real life know any of this stuff about me.  Growing up with a depressed mother (at the very least) has left me an expert at squahing down evrything disruptive about myself, so it all stays private.  My son just started school and I am in the midst of being a social butterfly, coming up with all sorts of plans to get groups going and helping other moms out, and yet I know that there will come a point where I can hardly get up to get him to school and I will avoid everyone like the plague.  And there is so little middle ground.  Even now it feels like I am acting out of my comfort zone in a way that feels totally exhilerating but also like it will leave me very uncomfortable when it is gone.

And after almost 20 years of being this way, and slowly getting worse, it is hard to believe that anything will make me feel more "normal".  When I look at the big picture I start to wonder why I should keep trying at all.  It is all exhausting.

Thanks for being my safe place.

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Any port in a storm, right, Cricket?  I always thought that was a dismissive saying, but now I say it to myself in all seriousness. Who cares how I look, so long as I'm safe?

I was diagnosed at 40 (luckily single & childless) and it was a big deal, having been suffering all my life and not realizing it wasn't necessary.  That's what the GP said who first recommended an AD--she said, "you don't have to feel this way."  At the time I rejected the idea, but on talking with my therapist realized I needed to look into it.  Several months and medications later I got my for-sure-no-kidding diagnosis.  And it has changed my life.  It's hard to imagine when you're still in it, but there is another side to life.

So keep visiting, keep checking in, and meanwhile, take care of yourself and your kid.  Do what you need to keep both of you safe.  And if you need medication to help you function and bond well with your child, I'm sure as a good mother you'll do the right thing. 

I wish my mother had sought medical help for her depression.  I might have still developed BP, but it might have been milder, I might have been treated sooner, and I might have had less baggage.  You mention that your mother suffered from depression.  That means your child might have the genes for it, and that if you raise her in a loving, supportive environment you can lessen the chance she'll be troubled by it.

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Cricket,

Sounds exciting having your son start school!  September always brings promises for a new year.

Trust your Pdoc and take advantage of this period of good times.  Don't wait till your next collapse for treatment.  Start the depakote.  The right medicine combo WILL make a difference that will surprise you. You don't have to feel bad all the time.  When you hit the sweet spot you will look back and wonder how you could get by before.

Yes, seeing bugs and rats is NOT normal.  They are hallucinations and another indicator that you need to get squared away.  Remember things only get worse with time, untreated. You did tell your Pdoc about them, right? Never hold back symptoms.

Cheers,

A.M.

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Yes, my mother is cyclically depressive, my grandfather had unclear MI (extreme anxiety?, some depression), my aunt has depression, I have two cousins who have gone through deep depression (including one with a heavy duty treatment resistant depression), one brother with periodic depression and one with an increasing social phobia.  We are a mentally challenged family.  Not even going to go into the string of suicides in my husbands family.  Something of a perfect storm gene pool for my chidren.

I haven't said any thing to pdoc about the critters in my vision because they are not formed or obvious.  They are usually just in the corner of my eye.  I would ignore it as eye glitches except that is always something that will stress me out - like I have a sudden cockroach problem that makes me panic.  Not sure that it really counts as visions.  Now the time I thought there was a turtle in the middle of the road in snowy Februaury and actually stopped and turned around to go back for it - that was weird.  But it was just a turtle shaped snow and somehow my common sense was overridden (that a turtle would be out in the snow?).

But to start something new and frightening (depakote) when I am relatively fine feels impossible.  Hope springs eternal; I always want to believe that it was just a bad patch and I will be fine from now on.  That it was a question of not having good coping skills and I've learned something.  The frenzy and anger and, eventually, drive to damage, if not kill, myself, that all seems so foggy, like I must be exaggerating it in my mind. 

Thanks folkses, I appreciate the support.

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My son just started school and I am in the midst of being a social butterfly, coming up with all sorts of plans to get groups going and helping other moms out, and yet I know that there will come a point where I can hardly get up to get him to school and I will avoid everyone like the plague.  And there is so little middle ground.  Even now it feels like I am acting out of my comfort zone in a way that feels totally exhilerating but also like it will leave me very uncomfortable when it is gone.

That sounds familiar.  Try try TRY to keep from over-extending yourself; rein in those promises and committments!!!

Seeing things out of the corners of my eyes, and hearing little things that aren't there are signs of impending hypomania for me, definitely.  It's like my brain just gets going a leeeettle too fast for my other senses to keep up.  Do mention it to your pdoc at your next appointment.

And yes, Trileptal changed my life.  Never give up on the possibility...

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