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I dont want to commit suicide but I dont want to wake up. every morning I wonder why God let me. I cant post alot on here cause my wife is on here too and she dont need to know all my problems. I just have no friends and cant talk to my family about anything so this is all I have. ;)

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Hey, Bucky, why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself.  Have you seen a psychiatrist?  Therapist?  Tried any meds for your depression?  How long have you been down in this hellhole, anyway? 

Welcome!

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Ive felt like this for a while, no one really knows though. I told my wife for the first time last week. We have been married for 6 years we are 24 now. never been to doc for anything and never on any meds (I would rather die than live on meds). thats just how I was raised we made fun of people that took lots of meds. I understand now why people would need them but I just cant do it. Support groups are out cause I wont talk about my feelings to anyone. Here its the internet and a little different. My family is the only reason I am still here. And even they dont like me my wife called an ex boyfriend about two weeks ago. (she went through one of her manic phases). My only excape is poker at the casino for those few hours I play nothing on this god damn world matters but the two cards in my hand. I work for a hospice company (yeah I know not the best line of work for someone of my thinking) I am part of the continuous care which is where I sit with people for the final hours of their life. To know they are in a better place than here makes me wish it was me sometimes. Even hell would be better than this that I consider a life. Not much of a childhood my mother worked nights so she was asleep allday and my dad worked and gambled so he wasnt home very often either. So I pretty much fended for myself. got married when I was 18 have two kids one 6yr old boy (who is scared of me) and a 2yr old girl (who dont like me). My wife is a Stay at home mom and we barely scrap by on bills I can honestly say I can't support my family that is the worst feeling in the world. I dont like to burden other people with my problems which is why I dont tell my wife anything that is going on in my hed she has her own problems to deal with. Oh well life sucks then you die I guess. When I get more secure about talking on here I will give more info, but that is a small portion of it.

DIG IT!

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Bucky

I suppose there is no point in being all light of the Earth and shit - cause well that doesnt help and its fucked to hear.  Well All I say is that most of us (me inc) have been there done that where you are right now.  It is called the depths of dispair and without doing something (therapy, tackling it or meds) it aint going to magically disappear by itself.  Sorry but thats the truth.

Me? personally would be dead without my meds - and you would honestly be surprised how many people are on them and how socially accepted it is now.  Really!  Please please please go to your doc or therapist and ask for something just to take the edge off.

Although my psych told me that once you get onto them and you get a bit more energy to get out of bed the suicide likelyhood increases as you have the energy to do it  (or like me - saving your meds up and then taking them all at once).

Anyhow, please do something - even if it is just talking to us here and getting some of the feelings out.

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Hi, Bucky,

Being depressed, not wanting to wake up, not feeling like it's going to get any better is a hard way to live. This is probably a bad time to crawl all over you about your reluctance (well, absolute refusal) to consider talking to your doctor or a support group. We are all taught different levels of damaging crap by our families that we need to unlearn as adults. You have to fight against depression in any way you can. Medication is just another arrow in the quiver. You may not be able to do it today, but read through the main Crazy Medssite and follow some of the links.

You deserve to feel better and to enjoy your life. This is a good place to find people who truly understand what you're talking about. It doesn't have to be this hard.

Greeny

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Hey Bucky, Its me, your wife.  I love you so so much and I only want you to be happy and satisfied with our life together.  It hurts me to think you don't want to wake up in the morning.  But I know you can't control your thoughts.  I've been there too.

I wish you would please, please talk to a doc.  You don't have to feel like this.  If for nobody else, do it for Drake and Maile.  They deserve a patient, loving father.

Taking meds and seeing a doc is NO BIG DEAL.  We WILL afford it.  We can't afford to not do it.  I need you to feel better.   

Just know I only want the best for you and I wouldn't be telling you to do this if I thought it wasn't important.

I Love You. xoxoxoxoxo

Stephanie

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hey sweets...the stigma atached to taking head meds controlled me for a very long time until i was on suicide watch and was in a panic 24/7!!! then i had no choice cause i just wanted outa my head n ta be able ta go outa my house!!! 3 years later after starting remeron i'm able ta function n by gosh i'm still alive and happy! so hon give yourself and family a chance to have you back you and they deserve it!!! ;)

please keep posting and let us know how the journey goes!!!

good thoughts goin ta you n yours

flutterfly

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hey sweets...good luck on the loan! n i'm really glad your wife seen your post...it should open a door for you guys...just remeber not to close it if possible! n try to give yourself the much deserved chance. it took me a nervous breakdown to realize i couldn't do it on my own. the best thing anyone could do for me is when my hubby wouldn't let me die n told me the meds could help n if i didn't want anyone to know about 'em i didn't have ta share that info. there are still people in my life that don't know about my breakdown n agoraphobia n that's okay!

the best thing i heard after i was on remeron for a couple of months is when my kid said "i have my mom back!!!!" i gotta say it was the best feeling! i still have my moments but now i can cope. keep posting...you guys have friends here!

;)

good thoughts goin your way!!!

flutterfly

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Hey Bucky, Its me, your wife.  I love you so so much and I only want you to be happy and satisfied with our life together.
(And lots of other sweet and supportive sentiments...)

Awwwwww... I try to not to drop sap bombs on people because I know it makes some bristle, but I can't help it, I just have to give Bucky and wife a big :::::HUG:::::

Bucky, get yourself to a therapist!  Post haste!  Run, run, run.  Don't take meds if you don't want to, but you NEED to talk to a professional.  Let us know when you schedule an appointment.

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We have been married for 6 years we are 24 now. never been to doc for anything and never on any meds (I would rather die than live on meds). thats just how I was raised we made fun of people that took lots of meds. I understand now why people would need them but I just cant do it.
Hey Buckyxj -

I finally figured out I wasn't raised as good as I could have been, and it took me a long time to come to that realization.  I hate to say it and I don't mean to put anyone down, but you might also want to consider the possibility you weren't raised as good as you could have been. 

By giving up on meds before you even try them, you're shutting yourself off to something that could make a huge difference to you, based on some things you were told by people who probably aren't experts in the field.  Don't suffer just so can you can die a tough guy - it's not worth it!  I've been in your shoes before.

Instead, try to use a little logic.  If someone had diabetes or high blood pressure, would you make fun of them for taking medication?  I hope not.  Sounds like you might be in the same boat, except instead of having a messed up insulin supply, you're short a few neurotransmitters like the rest of us, and need a few drugs to replace them.  It's nothing to be ashamed of, and it's nobody's business anyways.

  So I pretty much fended for myself. got married when I was 18 have two kids one 6yr old boy (who is scared of me) and a 2yr old girl (who dont like me). My wife is a Stay at home mom and we barely scrap by on bills I can honestly say I can't support my family that is the worst feeling in the world. I dont like to burden other people with my problems which is why I dont tell my wife anything that is going on in my hed she has her own problems to deal with. Oh well life sucks then you die I guess.

You've had a tough start and you probably feel like you're 110, but you're still young yet.  I'm not going to tell you all the sappy "hang in there" crap either, but don't forget it's your life and you control it.  If you figured out how to get to this forum, you're sharp enough to figure out a way to get a better job so you'll feel better about taking care of your family.  That might mean you'll have to get some kind of extra training and maybe even leave the area you're in to do it.  It's a big old world, you might as well see some of it before you're done.  Don't let anyone guilt trip you from moving your family to a new place - you can always come back to visit.

In your signature you say you hate this existence, so try this out:  Pretend for a minute that your home was in New Orleans and you lost everything and had to start over - what would you do, and where would you choose to do it?  There are people being relocated in Phoenix right now who have never been outside the city limits of New Orleans.  I know they're scared half to death, and they don't know what's going to happen next, but what the hell, they're going to give Phoenix a try and hope for the best. 

I don't mean to sound like some "rah rah go team!" cheerleader, but I just want to emphasize how important it is sometimes to change your outside circumstances.  It's hard to do, especially with a young family, but it's worth thinking about.  It will make a lot more sense and seem a lot more possible after you see a doctor and get your brain chemicals sorted out.  Good luck to you. 

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I dont know if I should let her start talking to him or not, there is no reason for her to be on more meds just cause I can't quit thinking that she is gonna cheat on me. Its the same one she called a few weeks ago. Help im on the end and looking over the edge.

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hey sweets...is there any communication between you guys on this issue? you've got ta tell her how it makes you feel! is the jealousy valid? what i mean is does she comment about him in the boyfriend way or just a friend way? the jealousy could be due to you feeling unworthy and if that's the case she probably won't cheat on you it's just a fear you have right now. i'm not trying to downplay your feelings but you've got ta be able ta diffrentiate the two. another question for you...has she been faithful all these years? i've always had guy friends n never cheated on my hubby. i've always thought that if someone is gonna cheat you're not gonna stop 'em they will do it no matter what restrictions you put on the relationship. so you guys being together for eight years must have some communications so use them!

that's just a girls point of view (a very happily married one)

hope you respond so i get a better feel for where you guys are right now.

good thoughts goin' ta you n yours ;)

flutterfly

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I only have thoughts of being friends with him.  I want those thoughts to GO AWAY but they won't.  Our relatioship (w/ the ex) was when we were young kids, 11-14 years old.  It wasn't sexual in any way.  My thoughts for him now are not sexual at all. 

But I am not acting on my thoughts because I know how much it would hurt Bucky.  I would never ever cheat on my husband.  I know better than to destroy 6 years of love.

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hey sweets...(stephani) that's what i sorta thought . but i wanted bucky ta acknowledge that maybe it was his state of mind n insecurities. i don't know you guys but i can tell you love each other very much n he is hurting right now n needs ta take a chance with therapy or meds so you n your kids can have him back. cause where he is right now the depression can only add ta the doubts! i'm 30 n been with my hubby for 7 years n i've had mostly guy friends (2 of them i dated in the past) but my hubby is very secure in that he doesn't make it an issue. could you maybe get all of you together n him become friends with him also? that way he knows for himself he's a friend ta both of you?

gosh hon i hope the best for both of ya ;)

good thoughts goin ta you n yours

flutterfly

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