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Guest Frickin Crazy

Please help on desires to hurt others

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Guest Frickin Crazy

Please help me. I occasionally have the overwhelming desire to hurt others. For example, when I'm public transit I fantasize about taking a gun along and opening fire on the whole crowd. I imagine the act of shooting each person, how their blood would splatter around the vehicle, how to take out as many people as I can, and how to get away (which seems odd, since the people who do this always seem to commit suicide??). I've been on a whole boatload of meds in the past, but am currently only on Lamictal, which seems to help with depression but not with these homicidal thoughts.

I often think I'm mad as a Hatter, and if the people sitting next to me on the bus knew what I was thinking they'd clearly freak out. This is somewhat exciting (sick, huh?). The most odd part is that I feel nothing for the potential victims - no guilt, no sorrow, NOTHING. The kicker is that I am a very respectable person - good job in Sr. management, lots of education, smarter than average (I say as humbly as I can), a Christan, and basically a "good family man". You know, one of the people about which the neighbors would say, "He was such a nice man. I never thought he could ever do somthing like this!"

I plan to talk to my Dr. next time I see him, but any advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm really afraid I might act on it. It would destroy my life and that of my family (obviously), and destroying my family is the only thing preventing me from doing it. There is no way I could ever tell me wife about this, or she'd think I was a monster. PLEASE tell me what I can do! I fell very alone and scared.

Highly disturbed

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Are you hearing voices telling you to harm people? I had that happen when I was 16 and had to go inpatient. I'm thinking you need a med adjustment/additions. When is your next appointment? I strongly suggest calling your pdoc and telling him/her that you're having these thoughts and that you're afraid that you may act on them. This is something that needs to be dealt with immediatly. Even if you know that you won't do anything, living with these thoughts is horrible.

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Guest Frickin' Crazy

Are you hearing voices telling you to harm people? I had that happen when I was 16 and had to go inpatient. I'm thinking you need a med adjustment/additions. When is your next appointment? I strongly suggest calling your pdoc and telling him/her that you're having these thoughts and that you're afraid that you may act on them. This is something that needs to be dealt with immediatly. Even if you know that you won't do anything, living with these thoughts is horrible.

Thanks so much for the prompt reply. No, I don't hear voices when I'm thinking these things. I can't get ahold of my pdoc, although I tried. My next appt is the 13th. I agree that I should deal with the thoughts asap, and yes, living with the thoughts IS horrible.

Me again

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While I'm no expert having recently had some fairly intrusive thoughts I'm wondering if you're having the same.

Can you get in to see your p-doc earlier? Is there an ER that you could go to if it reaches that point? Can you put together an agreement with your family around monitoring where you are mentally and if you need to seek emergency help? I know you don't want to tell your wife, but she might be more understanding than you think. I was scared to tell my boyfriend that I was having compulsive thoughts about killing myself (while not being suicidal, but I was scared I would act on them) but he was actually really good about it. You could sound your wife out about this as well.

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Just make sure that you leave a message for your pdoc (or email if that's available) telling them what's going on and that you need a call back ASAP. I second going to the ER if you get to that point. You really should talk to your wife. She loves you and I'm sure she will want to help you. You don't even have to tell her the exact thoughts that you're having, just that you are having bad/scary/disturbing thoughts so that she can help keep you safe. I understand how hard it can be to tell your wife about this, but it really is important.

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Guest

I've had those thoughts too. Sometimes it seemed unlikely that I would ever act on them sometimes they were just intrusive thoughts. Sometimes I did feel like I might feel compelled to act on them, and then did the responsible thing to do in that situation, which is to go to emergency right away.

How compelled do you feel right now? If you had to grade it out ten, ten being one step away?

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Echoing others...also thinking therapy might be of assistance? maybe figuring out why you have these thoughts would help defuse them?

I've had intrusive thoughts of doing horrible things, but then I feel awful about having the thoughts. I'm a pretty guilt-driven person.

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Intrusive thoughts are common. Combined with OCD they can become very uncomfortable.

Usually a person will not act on them if they are distressed by them. The people who have no concern about them is different. Sounds like you're o.k..

I've had several intrusive thoughts over the years. One night I woke up in the middle of the night in a panic. I thought I would kill my children with a large knife. I immediately called the Psychiatrist on call and explained. After asking me questions, he said that I was probably o.k. and I was. Scared me to death.

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Guest Frickin' Crazy

I've had those thoughts too. Sometimes it seemed unlikely that I would ever act on them sometimes they were just intrusive thoughts. Sometimes I did feel like I might feel compelled to act on them, and then did the responsible thing to do in that situation, which is to go to emergency right away.

How compelled do you feel right now? If you had to grade it out ten, ten being one step away?

Thanks to everyone who replied to this thread. In answer to your questions, karuna, when I have the thoughts (when I'm on a bus), I'd rate it a 6-8. When it hits 8, I start to get really panicky. The saving grace in these situations is that I have no weapon along. If I did, it might increase to a 9 or 10.

What also really worries me, which I had neglected to mention earlier but may be significant, is that I have purchased items I would need to carry it out (e.g., holsters, guns, knives). This part also scares me, because it tells me that I think it's so possible, I'm actually spending money to prepare. In other words, it's not just in my head anymore, but becoming a reality. I really don't want to be the person you see on the evening news with the subtext "Mass Murderer" under my photo! I hope they at least get a good photo (sorry, a little black humor there).

I really appreciate the comments noting that I still feel guilt about the thoughts - it puts my mind a bit at ease. That had never occurred to me. It's nice to get that kind of helpful advice from fellow loonies (I mean that in the nicest way ;-) Thanks so much.

Mad as a Hatter

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Frickin'-Crazy,

I obviously have no way to make you do anything you do not want to do. But I do know you can definitely return the guns, and not have to "let on." I had a boyfriend who used to ideate the way you do, except in malls, and I actually went to a gun store with him once to return a gun. My boyfriend just said he had changed his mind, and couldn't spend the money.

I know we are talking about a MI. But if those guns are discovered in the wrong context, you may be in as much legal trouble as mental, even if you bought the guns legally initially. Given how unstable you are feeling, it is more likely you will have some kind of negative run in, you know?

If you can't bear to give them up, at least give them to a friend or family member to hold for now.

Good luck.

P.S. On your 1-10 scale, you said 9 or 10 scores were prevented by opportunity, not by self control.

"The saving grace in these situations is that I have no weapon along."

To me, that sounds like you need to call an ambulance. I'm sorry.

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Guest Frickin' Crazy

Frickin'-Crazy,

I obviously have no way to make you do anything you do not want to do. But I do know you can definitely return the guns, and not have to "let on." I had a boyfriend who used to ideate the way you do, except in malls, and I actually went to a gun store with him once to return a gun. My boyfriend just said he had changed his mind, and couldn't spend the money.

I know we are talking about a MI. But if those guns are discovered in the wrong context, you may be in as much legal trouble as mental, even if you bought the guns legally initially. Given how unstable you are feeling, it is more likely you will have some kind of negative run in, you know?

If you can't bear to give them up, at least give them to a friend or family member to hold for now.

Good luck.

P.S. On your 1-10 scale, you said 9 or 10 scores were prevented by opportunity, not by self control.

"The saving grace in these situations is that I have no weapon along."

To me, that sounds like you need to call an ambulance. I'm sorry.

Thanks for the reply. I finally got a hold of my pdoc. He had me change the combination of our electronic safe to one that my wife programmed and only she knows. He managed to tell her just enough to let her know it was serious, but not all the details I've spelled out here. I'm sorry, but I will not get rid of the guns. Anyway, my wife having the combination is a good compromise. I feel a little bit better knowing that I don't have access to the guns. My pdoc also wants me to start Respirdol right away (my wife is picking it up at the pharmacy while I type this). I'll do my usual homework on the drug, but I hope it helps.

Funny story: My wife came into the office a couple hours ago while I was typing a reply to this thread and of course I immediately switched windows. Then about an hour later she asked me what was wrong. I asked her why she thought anything was wrong. She noted how depressed I have been, how something is obviously on my mind, and how I was on Crazyboards again. I had to laugh at the last part. Anyway, she knows you folks can help me, so from both of us, thanks.

A Bit Better

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