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I am having trouble feeling like I have any control over my life right now.  I also feel majorly abused.  I have always found it hard to trust and when I feel like I am ready and I do I get let down again.  Then you disappear and all the progress you thought you made fades. ;)   :)   :P

I just cut again, after several months of quitting.  I have never felt this way from it before, but I actually feel high.  Usually I just feel more "connected".  I gave all my scalpels to my tdoc, but I didn't tell him I held back 6.  Oh well.

Deb

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I understand what you're going through, two days ago I burned major patches on my arm and knee, had my whole crying , feeling frozen and locked out of my out of control body and ripping at my burned flesh to get real again. I spent the next bit of time calm as I have ever been and blissed out on Endorphins. Yeah, I guess it is kind of like being high.

Sorry that you started cutting again though. I know how hard it is to try and stop .

Sorry *hug* be well and take care of your wounds.

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Thanks Panz,

The funny thing is I was just about to get a tattoo where I cut, because I was pretty proud of myself.  The release I had was better than benzo's and while I will try to stop, I wonder now if this is just something that is going to happen from time to time.

After Friday, I wanted to cut so bad yesterday I was crawling the walls.  I called my husband and he said " just don't", gee that helps.  He said call my tdoc, but number 1. I told him I gave all the blades to him, so now I'm a liar and number 2.  When I've called him in the past he tells me to go up and down the stairs till it hurts and then it will stop the depersonalization, because the pain will remind me I exsist.  This time it isn't about depersonalization is about release and being far too sensitive. I thought I had this pretty well under control, but I know I'll be okay again.  That is improvement.

Deb

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Panz,

I selfishly forgot to say I am sorry for your pain as well.  Have you stopped before as well?

Deb

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I drank heavily for about a decade, "self medicating" my ills, both mental and physical. It's only since I've been off booze that I've been seriously into SI. I used to just drink til I passed out. Now i've promised myself that I won't go back to the alcohol, but I didn't know how awful the problems would be. I'm either so unreal and empty/numb that I self injure to escape limbo or the internal pressure of all of my anxiety and raw emotions drives me to it. At first I cut myself and pounded bruises all over myself, lately I've turned to burning, which is very weird, since I'm afraid of fire. Some how  ;)   burning blisters on my self and then popping them gives me more of a sense of control, more release from which ever hell I happen to be in at the moment.  While I'd like to be able to say I've quit, I would be lying.

I hope that you get some relief from your demons. Your husband does not seem to have a good grip on what you're going through. It's really hard for someone that isn't going through this kind of thing to even try to understand, I've found out.

On a closing note, I'm trying to learn to forgive myself if  I "fail" and give in to the SI urges, you should try to forgive yourself too, and part of that is confessing to your Tdoc, once you start with holding out  info on him, you put your self in more danger, because he will be acting on incomplete info, which can not only lead to mistrust between you, but you may be misdiagnoses or given the wrong meds.

I'll hop off my soap box, I don't have any room to  fuss and scold, just please take care.

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Gee I understand that feeling. I screwed up really bad the last time I cut. Like, "oops, was that an artery?" bad. Shortly before the panic set in I must say it was pretty damn euphoric! I'm so sorry you're struggling right now. All we can do is keep picking ourselves up and keep trying. I know it's hard not to hold back and keep a "safety net" at home- my little mistake was with the ONLY razor in the entire house, that I'd hidden in the back of the linen closet. Because you just KNOW if it's there, you won't feel the need to use it, right? Right? Hello, self delusion! lol But maybe you should really think about, if you can manage it right now, handing the rest of your stash over to your husband. That's what I did. It helped knowing HE had them. I don't know why. It was like it was different from just throwing the stuff away. Because technically it's still THERE, somewhere. Just not in the house, and not where I know where it's at. It's weird. Anyway just an idea for you. I hope you're feeling better soonest. Hang in there!

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Thanks Panz and Faith.

Panz,

You are right, I think if you give up one vice you are attracted to another.  You have to find an outlet somewhere.  I try to find positive things to do, but sometimes it just doesn't work that way.  Once I have decided to cut , there isn't any turning back, even if it happens hours later.  Your mind just accepts that you are going to do it.

I don't think I could ever bring myself to burn myself, but then I used to think I could never bring myself to cut myself.  I usually run into a door or wall on the area where I cut myself and if it stops hurting , I cut again.  I had stopped for months though and am afraid of falling into the same pattern.

I will tell my tdoc tonight, but I hate to do it, because it means I lied to him about giving him all the scapels.  I feel it is a waste of time to go to a tdoc if you are going to lie, so this is tough for me.

Hang in there and be safe yourself.

Faith,

One of the problems is I always cut at work between 3 and 4.  If I made up my mind at noon, I will still wait till 3:30 or so.  It's really strange, but thats how it is.  I tried calling up my husband to tell him I was thinking about it and he says well, don't.  Yeah, thats a big help.

It is hard for him to understand.  It was hard for me to understand until I got there.  It's another weird thing, but sometimes it is an empowering thought to know you have a secret.  Isn't that sick. 

Take care of yourself too and thanks for the support.  It's good to know there are other people who "get it".

Deb

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Went to the tdoc last night and had my suspicions confirmed.  There have been for me so far 2 kinds of cutting.

The first was from depersonalization, when I felt like I wasn't in the drivers seat and I was out of touch and losing myself.  Then I cut and there was no pain, or not much.  It was just the confirmation that you did exist, were still in there somewhere and the pain and blood confirmed it.  It was verification and there was no "high".

The second that I did last week was a lot deeper, at least the first cut and it was pain transference, where you negate emotional pain through physical pain.  At this point you get flooded with endorphins and get a high as a reaction. It's the same kind of thing as if someone gets in an accident and cuts their hand off and doesn't feel any immediate pain.

What I am afraid of at this point is that it will become a habit.  He pretty well reamed me out for not calling him.  He said next week we are going to discuss alternatives.  It will be interesting to see what that might be since I already take enough drugs to kill a horse.  I can't think of 2 many other ways that I have felt a rush like that, that I can feel I am not hurting others and there is no hangover.  He says I am hurting others.  I say they can't hurt if they don't know.  He says eventually I will get caught and then it will not only hurt someone, but it will be a betrayal.

As it was I did get caught last week.  I had dressed the wound, but hadn't cleaned up the trash can yet and a co-worker came in my office.  She got out and out hysteerical and started crying and hugging me.  You would have thought I slit my wrist or cut her.

Anyway, we will see where it gors from here.

Deb

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Went to the tdoc last night and had my suspicions confirmed.  There have been for me so far 2 kinds of cutting.

The first was from depersonalization, when I felt like I wasn't in the drivers seat and I was out of touch and losing myself.  Then I cut and there was no pain, or not much.  It was just the confirmation that you did exist, were still in there somewhere and the pain and blood confirmed it.  It was verification and there was no "high".

The second that I did last week was a lot deeper, at least the first cut and it was pain transference, where you negate emotional pain through physical pain.  At this point you get flooded with endorphins and get a high as a reaction. It's the same kind of thing as if someone gets in an accident and cuts their hand off and doesn't feel any immediate pain.

What I am afraid of at this point is that it will become a habit.  He pretty well reamed me out for not calling him.  He said next week we are going to discuss alternatives.  It will be interesting to see what that might be since I already take enough drugs to kill a horse.  I can't think of 2 many other ways that I have felt a rush like that, that I can feel I am not hurting others and there is no hangover.  He says I am hurting others.  I say they can't hurt if they don't know.  He says eventually I will get caught and then it will not only hurt someone, but it will be a betrayal.

As it was I did get caught last week.  I had dressed the wound, but hadn't cleaned up the trash can yet and a co-worker came in my office.  She got out and out hysteerical and started crying and hugging me.  You would have thought I slit my wrist or cut her.

Anyway, we will see where it gors from here.

Deb

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Debz I hope that you and they therapist can come up with a plan. It is kind of grossly addicting, and I don't really have good answers, and each one of us is an individual work of art with our own quirks, so what works for me, may be all wrong for you. But we CAN give each other support.

I guess wish me luck. I'm going in tomorrow afternoon for an independant evaluation of my mental state that will determine if I get disability of not, and since I'm house bound with panic and agorophobia much of the time, and just out and out not with it  the rest, I really need it.

My landlady saw my burns and really freaked out. Self harm is REALLY scary for most people and I guess something of a taboo subject for many. So finding out that some one you know is doing it is pretty upsetting

Blessings of peace and warm wishes of good things winging your way.

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Panz,

I hope your evaluation goes well, it thats the term!!  If you have trouble leaving the house, it must be utter hell just getting there let alone the stress of having to go through that.

You are right, we are different and I just hope he comes up with something better than walking up and down stairs.  That ain't going to do it.

Your right again about people not understanding and being afraid of other people who SI.  I can't say that 5 years ago I wouldn't have been one of them, so I guess we just follow where the path leads and try to understand and learn from others.  It sounds corny, but if you care enough to learn about why other people do things it brings a greater understanding to all of your relationships with people.

Did that make any sense at all!??!!

Anyway, good luck tomorrow.  I'll be thinking of you and let us know what happens as soon as you can.

Deb

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