Who, me? Crazy?

[LuxieP]

Hi all,

I was pleased to stumble across this site. I have never quite felt comfortable in a "crazy" community - mostly because I find they tend to be enable, with all the "trigger" this, and "warm fuzzy" that. Not that there isn't a place for that, but often, I find it just makes what I'm feeling worse... Here's hoping this will turn out to be a good home for me...!

Who am I? I am a performing artist. I work full time in a demanding job. I'm a graduate student. I have the appearance of a normal life... But I'm also crazy. A lot of non-crazy people get upset when I use that word, but it is truth. I'm bipolar, not a little OCD, have moments of intense social phobia, and grew up in a super abusive home. Crazy is the only word that accurately describes it, but is funny enough not to make me even more depressed about it.

Part of the reason I've been seeking out some place like this is because, well, everything I listed above makes it hard to socialize in the "real" world. The normal people can't deal when a little bit of the crazy escapes, but the other crazy people can't believe I'm crazy because I'm functional and generally seem like I have my shit together.

Can I tell you a secret? Promise you won't tell anyone?

My shit is NOT together.

Let me explain - yes, I'm functional. The meds are amazing; I wouldn't be alive without them. And my quality of life (now) isn't bad. I work very hard to keep everything functioning. But all it takes is a few little bumps, one little crack in the walls, a little carelessness...and all the chaos inside comes pouring out. I love life, I want to live, I enjoy most days...but I also live in fear, dread and loathing of the next mixed episode. Why? Because I'm pretty sure the next time it happens, I won't live through it. My meds are working well; they're my best friend. But there is the little worm in my head, always there, whispering..."What happens when they quit working?"

So...I guess mostly what I'm looking for is a place where there's people who get that. I hope this is that place.

-- Luxie P.

[olga]

dis is da place!

Feel free to be as crazy as you want. We have lots of members who are working at their careers or going to college, and I think many of them have the same experience of feeling like they're hanging on by their fingernails.

I'm unemployed, so I can be as nutz as I want.

Anyway, welcome to our friendly asylum. It sounds like you have read the rules, because you get that we're not warm and fuzzy. We have a few errant hug-givers, so just give them a wide berth and they'll keep their warm fuzzies to themselves.

olga

[CrazyCatLady]

You know, I think that a lot of crazies just do their best to function. I am married and work full time. Some days I wish I could just quit and go on disability or whatever other program I could so that I could just stay home, because sometimes the last thing I want to do is sit at a desk or be around people. Then I realize that since I am able to work, I have to. I have to force myself to get up and get dressed and go to work some days (or weeks). It's not easy. I don't tell my friends or coworkers or most of my family that I am bipolar. I know how it is to appear to be normal (whatever that means) to other people but in reality feel so fucked up and like you're about to just lose it on the inside.

It's really nice to be able to come here and say what's really going on to people who actually get it. It sounds like you're doing well. You just have to do the best that you can do. Welcome and I hope you find what you're looking for.

[The Emperor]

Welcome to CB!

[Indigo 'n dye]

I wonder how many folks who are NOT MI experience similar facets in daily life...

.... We have a few errant hug-givers, so just give them a wide berth and they'll keep their warm fuzzies to themselves.

Busted...again.

edited for very bad formatting...

[olga]

I wonder how many folks who are NOT MI experience similar facets in daily life...

.... We have a few errant hug-givers, so just give them a wide berth and they'll keep their warm fuzzies to themselves.

Busted...again.

[luv2run]

Just joined the CB today. Totally understand how you feel. Most my friend and coworkers think I have it all together...a life they'd admire -- oh my oh my -- if only they knew.

I have PTSD and a bunch other things the doc rattled on about in relation to it like dissociative/depersonlized behavior. I work full time in a career I (mostly) love, grad school part-time...and somehow make it look like I have it all together. Wish often I could just take disability, but like the distraction work brings me. *Barely* hanging in there, but doing the best I can.

My big secret is the same as yours --- and I promise I won't tell anyone.

[LuxieP]

Thank you all for your welcome, I appreciate it.

And yes, luvs2run, that is it, completely. It's nice to know someone else shares my secret, too...one of the most frustrating things about mental issues is the sense of being so freaking alone. It's not usually true, of course, but it is what I constantly feel.

[Guest juliana]

Thank you all for your welcome, I appreciate it.

And yes, luvs2run, that is it, completely. It's nice to know someone else shares my secret, too...one of the most frustrating things about mental issues is the sense of being so freaking alone. It's not usually true, of course, but it is what I constantly feel.

.........................................................................................................

"Part of the reason I've been seeking out some place like this is because, well, everything I listed above makes it hard to socialize in the "real" world. The normal people can't deal when a little bit of the crazy escapes, but the other crazy people can't believe I'm crazy because I'm functional and generally seem like I have my shit together."

Can identify there! Was going to a program & support groups, everyone (staff included) thought I was a counselor/intern. Then I felt like a snob b/c groups consisted mostly of people with very low IQs , difficult to relate/converse.

The family MI is rampant, though they don't seem comfortable discussing it, I also get the "award" for most HospitaliZations! I have practically severed ties, tired of pity & advice.....don't go anywhere near them on holidays either.

Unsure if people realiZe that you can go on disability & still work,albeit part-time. Been on disability a few months & looking for employment, though the economy.....

Was rejected for disability the first time, then 1 1/2 years went by, reapplied after another hospitaliZation & got it. Currently working on structure of days, like volunteering or going to the library/cafe'/exercise.

All in all, fairly proud how far I've come given the speeding carousel of moods, which is my life. Did the self-harm thing for 21 years & successfully stopped with the help of a counselor skilled in EMDR.

[luv2run]

Thank you all for your welcome, I appreciate it.

And yes, luvs2run, that is it, completely. It's nice to know someone else shares my secret, too...one of the most frustrating things about mental issues is the sense of being so freaking alone. It's not usually true, of course, but it is what I constantly feel.

.........................................................................................................

"Part of the reason I've been seeking out some place like this is because, well, everything I listed above makes it hard to socialize in the "real" world. The normal people can't deal when a little bit of the crazy escapes, but the other crazy people can't believe I'm crazy because I'm functional and generally seem like I have my shit together."

Can identify there! Was going to a program & support groups, everyone (staff included) thought I was a counselor/intern. Then I felt like a snob b/c groups consisted mostly of people with very low IQs , difficult to relate/converse.

All in all, fairly proud how far I've come given the speeding carousel of moods, which is my life. Did the self-harm thing for 21 years & successfully stopped with the help of a counselor skilled in EMDR.

It's always good to know there's others that understand. Problem with all my past trauma is I tend to keep it all secret -- so it's a change to be trying to get help and work through it. Good to know on the disability, so thanks for sharing about that....and curious to hear more about your EMDR, as I start it officially this week.

Juliana, best of luck...not that you need it, as it sounds like you're hanging in there...just know you aren't alone and there's a bunch of us freak-o-zoids out there.

Happy trails, ya'll!!

[who-who-who]

Thank you all for your welcome, I appreciate it.

And yes, luvs2run, that is it, completely. It's nice to know someone else shares my secret, too...one of the most frustrating things about mental issues is the sense of being so freaking alone. It's not usually true, of course, but it is what I constantly feel.

.........................................................................................................

"Part of the reason I've been seeking out some place like this is because, well, everything I listed above makes it hard to socialize in the "real" world. The normal people can't deal when a little bit of the crazy escapes, but the other crazy people can't believe I'm crazy because I'm functional and generally seem like I have my shit together."

Can identify there! Was going to a program & support groups, everyone (staff included) thought I was a counselor/intern. Then I felt like a snob b/c groups consisted mostly of people with very low IQs , difficult to relate/converse.

All in all, fairly proud how far I've come given the speeding carousel of moods, which is my life. Did the self-harm thing for 21 years & successfully stopped with the help of a counselor skilled in EMDR.

It's always good to know there's others that understand. Problem with all my past trauma is I tend to keep it all secret -- so it's a change to be trying to get help and work through it. Good to know on the disability, so thanks for sharing about that....and curious to hear more about your EMDR, as I start it officially this week.

Juliana, best of luck...not that you need it, as it sounds like you're hanging in there...just know you aren't alone and there's a bunch of us freak-o-zoids out there.

Happy trails, ya'll!!

It was in E.M.D.R. "remembered" a particular incident that probably was key in stopping self harm. The counselor either had me watch her fingers, left to right , in front of my face or tapped my knees alternately. Heard of lights, being used... few different options there.

Had wanted to get more work done in a shorter frame of time, though she felt I wasn't ready, b/c of level dissociating. Frustrating....b/c I had tried so many therapies & wanted to remember & therefore heal....from everything ("best not to rush"). Had also heard this is a great therapy for train engineers who witness suicide(s) & veterans, etc., wish I could remember the name of the book.

Currently looking for a new counselor, b/c of change in insurance.

I hope it goes well for you, curious to know what your take on it is too.

[luv2run]

Thanks, "who"! I appreciate the insite. Tomorrow is my first day of EMDR, so I'll keep you all posted. I've spent 2 months working with my awesome Pdoc...and a few sessions with my therapist --- tomorrow is our first day in really digging into my past traumas. Not sure what to expect. Kept it all in a "box" for so long. Will keep ya'll posted, and will start a EMDR thread on the private forum to let ya'll know how it goes....