Sirjnj Posted August 14, 2010 Share Posted August 14, 2010 hey, Don't even know what to say. 9 years of therapy. On my second therapist with a vacation of insanity for myself and only the people I like in between. My Current Pdoc and Therapist will not tell me what they think is wrong. Not fair. First started with Impulse control disorder NOS. Now I am told I won't find a label but at the same time she knows what is wrong with me. Thou I appear successful and have what i have learned what it is expected I should want. I just do not care one way or the other. Lost my father at 6, Went from middle class to significant poverty in under a year. Sexually abused by 7 and have been compulsively harming reenacting ever since. Isolating, fear over sensitive since then. Sexually abused again between 13 and 14 by who I thought was my best friend. Compulsively sexual ever since this last abuse. The Drug use started then as well but that never turned into a problem. I became a parent at 22 and that is the one area of my life I am proud of. I not have two well adjusted self confident adult daughters. But now what. I am a 46 yo man who feels he does not have a purpose anymore now that I did what I set out to do. Protect and raise my daughters. I keep moving back and forth about what is wrong with me between Borderline, Borderline II, and CPTSD. My life is highly compartmentalized. Dominant at work, Isolating from my wife at home, Compulsively sexual with porn. My life cycles monthly between mildly depressed as my normal which includes three to five days of anxiety abandonment attachment issues when the self punitive/harm takes place. all of this behind the veneer of competence, gentleness, and reliability. I fire/run away from my therapist during the Anxiety times. Month in and month out. I have not fired her these last two months but it has taken a year and a half to get to this point. I feel like a drug store. Started with Tripadal and prozac. Moved on to Lamictal presently. As a result to 6 weeks of EMDR I was on rispedal for two months. Was on Lexapro for about 6 weeks after the rispedal. Now currently I am still on Lamictal 300mb, Omega 3 3000mb, Adivan when during those crazy three days, and now as I write this I started on Abilify . I get agitated when I start a new med, The concept not a reaction. I do not even know why I signed up on this site. I continue to feel different then anyone. Not good enough to be a man but at the same time not wanting to be one either. I like woman and have a wife but not interested in being close to her. I always think I would like to fall in love with a woman that I can let know all of me. Let see all of me but that ain't going to happen. Just another fantasy. The only people I can be close to comfortable with is woman. That is as long as I am not attracted to them. As soon as feel attraction the self loathing starts. I married my wife because she was pregnant. I would never allow my child to have my childhood. one two three jobs what ever was necessary to protect them. Things got easier as I am good with computers and leading people. I am a control freak as I never ever want to feel myself in a submissive position. Fear is a great motivator. Funny, I can be friendly and funny at work, I am creative and accomplish things and have earned the rewords associated with that. I can go from there to being terrified to go to a party with the same people I saw earlier that day. I try to smile and say hello to everyone at work and am terrified to speak with anyone outside of the work environment. Yea I am fucked up and at times want to shed this mortal coil but have never actually tried. I tell myself I am too much of a coward to actually do it. I sorry for droning on. I just wanted to share these thing since I have read many posts here from time to time. J Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnneMarie Posted August 14, 2010 Share Posted August 14, 2010 Hi. Welcome to CB. Maybe you shared because you recognize that this is a safe place to be yourself and express yourself. It is. Feedback is usually real and not huggy, too. Feel free to ask questions on the boards and give feedback where you can. Also, check out our blogs. They can be public or private. If you have any questions, feel free to ask a moderator (staff or admin). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
olga Posted August 14, 2010 Share Posted August 14, 2010 Hi, and welcome to our community. I'm sorry you feel like your therapist is ineffective. I think your explanation of how you feel is pretty clear. Why don't you print that out and take it to your next therapy session? It's worth a try. olga Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sirjnj Posted August 14, 2010 Author Share Posted August 14, 2010 Hi, and welcome to our community. I'm sorry you feel like your therapist is ineffective. I think your explanation of how you feel is pretty clear. Why don't you print that out and take it to your next therapy session? It's worth a try. olga I do feel my current therapist is effective. I figure if she is drawing out of me the crazyness that lies within but I have never expressed directly as bad as it is for me cannot be a bad thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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