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I am sitting here with a bottle of Xanax on my computer desktop wondering why I don't bother shoveling it down my throat and finishing myself off right now.  This last year has been unbearable.  I went from having a career that meant everything to me (teaching at a very good middle school), to being let go from the position due to finances (but being told by the principal that I wasn't qualified enough for her excellent school privately in her office, when the teacher she kept had less education but family in the district office) and placed in a horrible position that caused me to have a nervous breakdown, then deciding I could go back to teaching in a very disadvantadged high school.

After three days, I realize I am no longer a real teacher.  I don't care if these kids learn.  Not even good kids.  The bad kids make me violently angry/panic-y to the point of hyperventelation, but my parents (who I live with) insist I "stick it out". The feel that I "failed" last year.  This morning, I cried before work, and my mother (a retired teacher from the same district) told me I should stay for the year so that I can get a good recommendation (I want to begin a Ph. D program next year).

;) I don't think it is worth it, I don't think I am worth it anymore.  There are so many more important things going on right now in this country.  I am just a useless fucking loser who can't teach, which is supposed to be the easiest job on the face of the earth...

It's okay if you don't respond.  I don't really care that much anymore.  This is like a test.  If a tree falls down in the forest, and no one hears it, what happens?  :)

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Diva,

This is the same

tired sounding

bullshit

we all repeat

to one another

when

we want to die

"hang in there"

ugh.

"find one thing to live for"

crap.

help me out here

depakote borrowed

my memory

but you know what I'm saying

just read my thread

I didn't give a shit

today

tomorrow

whenever

I'm dying

people I don't know

but have sat in my

death seat

pulled me out

all I can do

is tell you

so far

I'm happy to live

if you know

what you need

get it

if you don't

find someone

who can

Diva,I give a damn whether you live

Stasis

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I am just a useless fucking loser who can't teach, which is supposed to be the easiest job on the face of the earth...
Whoa, hold on.  You've got it backwards there because teaching is one of the HARDEST jobs in the world, unless you're a slacker teacher (and I know you aren't because your attitude isn't consistent with that of the indifferent slack-off edukamator).  Juggling 25 unique personalities with their own learning styles, strengths and weaknesses; having to maintain interest in a fast-paced, shortened attention span, demanding, easily bored society; constantly working to preserve order and structure without becoming tyrannical; a plague of behavior problems and parents who are willfully dumb and blind and overly indulgent...I can think of at least a thousand other jobs that are nowhere near as challenging.  You have to be a hell of a multitasker and improvisational dynamo!  Not a job for the faint of heart...  Certainly not a job you can keep up with while depressed.  You needn't blame yourself for not caring, that's the depression talking.  Just work on getting you back to YOU, and don't beat yourself up for losing steam because mentally you're not up to par.

The bad kids make me violently angry/panic-y to the point of hyperventelation, but my parents (who I live with) insist I "stick it out".

It's your life, you get to make the decisions.  I think one of the worst jobs for a depressed person would be teaching in a shitty school district.  But that's just MHO. 

Wishing you better days ahead.

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first the tree thing. how could nothing hear it fall? it makes a noise cos there're squillions of bugs and birds to hear it. and we are the birds and the bugs.

so do you need a break from teaching? you are a teacher, not an office worker. not someone who can let their brain go for an afternoon or something. the kids need your attention so you are in demand throughout the day. you KNOW you must be in a terrible depression if you say "I am just a useless fucking loser who can't teach, which is supposed to be the easiest job on the face of the earth..." because YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO BE A TEACHER!

i agree 1000% that teaching must be one of the hardest jobs there is. i have done some myself at university and it was freakin hard. and my students weren't little kids! they were actually LISTENING to me! i do not know how you teachers can do what you do so well, but i am very grateful to all the teachers that i've had. they've helped to make me a much better person than i would have been otherwise.

you ARE reaching children and you ARE making a difference. it's just the shitty little brats that make all the noise and make it seem such a waste of time.

DON'T make a decision in this frame of mind. you are in a PROFOUND DEPRESSION. you are NOT in your right mind. can you take a leave? get a break from things temporarily for a bit?

grouse.

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ooohhh sweets...PLEASE NO!!!! we care n the new school needs someone to make a difference!!! you can't if you open that bottle!!! i for one will care n anyone else who reads this thread chime in!

you can p.m. me if you need i'm on 8-7 pacific time

please wake up n post tomorrow!!!

good thoughts goin your way always!!!!!!!!!

flutterfly xo

p.s. i'll be pissed if you don't post!!!!!!!!!!

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Dear Jadegreendiva -

Please put your bottle out of reach for the time being, and call someone, or visit someone, or call your doctor, or call a hotline, or call 911 if you must, but don't take such a final action.  As the saying goes:  Why not give today a chance?  You can always kill yourself tomorrow.  My personal favorite that's gotten me through the horrible place you're at right now is the thought I found on a suicide prevention website:  "People often turn to suicide because they are seeking relief from pain.  Remember that relief is a feeling.  And you have to be alive to feel it.  You will not feel the relief you so desperately seek, if you are dead."  Here is the link to the website:  Metanoia.org  That thought is the only one that makes sense to me when I feel like you do, and like Stasis I'm cynical as hell and hate all the "hang in there" crap even though I know people mean only the best.  I prefer a little gallows humor myself, or at least straight logic like the two ideas above.

And as far as teaching being the easiest job on the face of the earth, are you kidding?  How about one of the hardest?  It takes brains, guts, finesse, and an incredible amount of empathy and mind-reading capability just to get through the day!  That doesn't include the extras of after school activities, dealing with parents or the lack thereof, avoiding murdering the administration, aka Columbine for Grownups, and the list goes on and on. 

I'm sorry you've had such a bad time the last year or so, but that doesn't make you a loser, and three days into a new job doesn't mean you're suddenly not a real teacher anymore, especially since that particular job sounds very difficult.  Please don't be so hard on yourself, it doesn't do anyone any good.  There are lots of bad jobs, and I'm guessing a Phd program wouldn't hold it against you if you left an intolerable situation.  You've got to take care of yourself first, and although your parents are insisting you stick it out, that's easy for them to say when they're not the ones that have to get up and face it every day!  There are other jobs, and I know you can get one.  You've done it before, you can do it again.  Fuck it, it's only a job, it can't control or define you anymore than you allow it to.  Yes, it is your career, but it still is only one job out of many that will ultimately make up your total career.  People do change jobs now a lot more often than they did in your mother's working life.   

Can you/do you want to/would it be helpful to stay somewhere else besides with your parents, at least for a while?  It's got to be tough to be compared with your retired mom, and it sounds like they are in the "just snap out of it" crowd in terms of support for getting well again.  Also I hope you are getting good medical care.  I assume you have a pdoc since you have a bottle of Xanax - please call and tell them what's up so they can look at getting you the meds you need.  You don't have to suffer like you are.

Like you, I've confronted the unpleasant reality that sometimes my brain quits on me and I can no longer do my normal job which includes managing a budget of several hundred million dollars.  I'm just coming out of an episode of depression myself and am semi-seriously considering taking some no-name job like grocery store shelf stocker or something, but then I realize, if I've been able to handle lots of responsibility before, I'll be able to do it again.  Sometimes I even believe myself, and then I know that I am finally getting better.  I'm currently unemployed due to being sick, and I hate it, hate it, HATE IT!!!!  Also, like you, my career is important to me and it's been very hard to face up to having long periods of not working.     

We can always count on Stasis for his frank and pithy replies, and I guess you can count on me for a novella in case you're having trouble sleeping.  It takes all types.  Now I'll contradict myself and tell you to "please hang in there" (you may smack the monitor at this point!), we'll all be looking to hear from you and sending good thoughts your way.

One last teacher related thing - I'm not sure if it's out on DVD yet or not, but try to see the film "Mad Hot Ballroom".  It's a documentary about the ballroom dance program in the New York City Public Schools and tracks three classes of fifth graders as they work their way to the city-wide final competition.  It's neat to watch the kids develop, and some of the things they say when they're dead serious are hilarious.  I think you would really enjoy it and it would give you a lift and take you out of your head for a little while. 

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Hi Jade, I'm sorry you're having such a rough time right now.  I remember your posts from earlier this year and being that I am in a similar though not identical situation I have thought of you often and have been hoping that things will get better for you soon. 

Yes, teaching is tough and I'm actually sitting out this semester.  I get the loser ruminations and inadequacy attacks but I have to admit that the stuff I'm doing with this fall semester off is necessary and keeping me from going off the deep end again.  I get the disappointed reactions from family and friends when they hear that I'm not working full time at the "elite" school anymore and the "oh that's nice dear" cover-up for often obvious dismay that my new job that keeps me saner is not as "worthy" or "prestigious" in their minds.  I only barely limped thru the end of last year but because I don't feel comfortable talking about my Dx and meds with people in real life everything makes it look like I'm just slacking or indeciscive or inadequate or something.  Anything but "successful".  I have to believe that a timeout is helping me to recoup and reset my energy, priorities and direction.

I wish I had something more to offer you than a "yeah, I hear you" and hopeful thoughts sent your way. 

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Jade -

I echo what everyone else is saying about how hard teaching is, and add something that no one else has pointed out -- middle school?  Jumpin' Jehosephat, it doesn't get any tougher than teaching middle school.  My best friend has taught inner-city middle school in NYC for 15 years, and had to take a year-long break a couple of years ago because it was just too much.  But she's back at it now.  And she's good.  The fact that you did it shows that you've got the stuff, too.

The first order of business is to get your meds to a point where they're helping you.  It sounds like a visit to your pdoc would be a good idea.

Cerberus

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Hello All,

I am back.  Thank you for all of the virtual love  ;) Last night was rough, I had a major panic attack, to the point where I was refusing medication because I was so pissed off.

This morning, there is a part of me that says "pick yourself up and go back to work" and other part that screams "fax in your resignation and run!"  I just feel confused.

But thank you, everyone.  I don't feel as bad as I did yesterday.  And I will be visiting my pdoc ASAP.

I will keep you posted.

Jade

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thanks sweets for checkin' in whith us! i'm glad you feel slightly better...it takes time so just take one day at a time n if that's too hard take it one moment at a time!  ;) we all care so please keep postin' n get it out . i'll keep checkin' this thread ta see how u r doin' 'k' . N DON'T HOLD ANYTHING BACK FROM YOUR P-DOC!!!

will keep good thoughts goin' your way

flutterfly xo

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