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here we go again, folks. this is one of those wretched times when i loathe being such a weed fiend, cause my stash is gone and i am without! misery ensues. i've been thru this before but that doesn't make it any easier. its so frustrating because usually its a matter of money or means or whatever, but now its just supply - NE is completely bone-dry. clearly, this is evidence that weed is addictive and habit-forming, i know. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! this is only a fraction of the frustration and irritation i feel! phew. i needed to vent. i think a lot of it has to do with the withdrawals and whatnot, plus the stupid side effects from my Abilify. i wish i had some surefire way of getting through these times sanely (that didn't involve smoking, that is), cause then i might be able to quit the devil plant for good, you know? even though i do love it. sigh...why is this all so complicated, and yet uncomplicated at the same time? on top of being mentally ill (and yes, i say ill, because i don't know about you, but i definitely am sick , as opposed to interesting), i have to contend with this nice little dependency i've made for myself, which only digs me deeper. why? why why why does my life have to be this way right now?

-hannah

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I'm sorry that you're having a hellish period right now. I'm detoxing from alcohol and it's driving me crazy. It has made me so anxiety ridden that life is damn near unbearable half the time. Can you up your meds to take off some of the stress?

Lilie

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i'm glad you guys know what i'm going through. i have an appointment with the pdoc tomorrow, so we'll see about tweaking the meds. meanwhile, i'm still crawling out of my skin for lack of smokeables.  ;)

what do you guys do to distract yourself? i can't think of anything besides how much i wanna smoke, so i really need to fixate on something else i think.

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Mess about on here and other forums. 

Complain to flatmate about how much I'm missing a smoke. 

Root frantically through cupboards and boxes in futile search for missed fragments (safety bits, anyone?). 

Paint things (actually, take everything off shelves and distribute across kitchen floor and available surfaces, remove shelves and place  conviently in front of door where they will stay for foreseeable future),

type useless responses to threads,

(who was it that said 'cellar door' was most beautiful phrase in eng lang?),

walk,

read (and after a bit, revel in new extended concentration),

find new bands to listen to,

mini (charity shop) shopping sprees,

worry,

and eventually

be ridiculously excited by waking up with near hallucinogenic clear-headedness. 

actually have emotions

read poetry and get it again (just discovered louis macneice, love 'Charon')

be forced to interact with people.  Which contrary to all instincts, is I'm assured a Good Thing. 

music sounds different.  clearer.  more sweeping.  compelling. 

Find funny things.  Internet jokes/cartoons, comedians on tv.

be able to have opinions again.  Philosophy and politics.  No more soggy semolina brain. 

less paranoia.  ie not so much of 'the fear' when the phone goes. 

It is getting better.  It is getting easier. 

(About 3 weeks this time (I've stopped counting days as have decided that was bad luck).  That's after 3yrs daily use, wasted years, another few previous of recreational.  I tell  myself  I'll be able to smoke again, but just not soon and not to that level again.  I've almost managed to tell myself I like it without it now.  Almost...!)

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it was jrr tolkien.

methinks we're in the same boat, insideOut...after smoking pretty much daily for about 2 or 3 years, i'm getting to the point where i want to quit, but my addiction doesn't want to let me. dig? so i'm going through these stupid withdrawals right now, part of me thinking its for the best, while the other part is manically searching every inch of my car and room for any tiny fragment that might still be around. grrr! i should just stick it out, but i know i won't.

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yeah, i don't want to do anything either. at least, not if it doesn't involve weed...if i close my eyes and think real hard, i can almost remember what it feels like...sigh. i should just suck it up and work my way through this part, then it'll be easier, right? right.

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Hannah:

If you start smoking again, you will have to go through withdrawal again.  And this will be repeated many times if you keep going back.

I can take it or leave it, but I'm addicted to other things so I understand.

I first smoked grass (gotta do some arithmetic)...ummm...36 years ago.  Over the years, I had stoner friends and others who only smoked now and then.  My stoner friends are gone.  They slipped away, living on the streets, or were finally abandoned by friends and family who got tired of waiting for their loved one to come back.  It's a form of self-medication like hard drinking if you can't control it.

You know all this--you sound very smart and self-aware.  If you really want to quit, get some help.  I couldn't quit any addiction without help.  We love those things we're addicted to--that's bad grammar.

Where is NE?  Nebraska?  New England?  North East?  Hmmmmm...see, I fried my brain with LSD and smoke and I've lost my cognitive ability.

olga

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so i smoked last night...it felt great at the time, but now i'm just back where i was before, right? oh well. i have a feeling i'll be stuck in this cycle for awhile.

NE is New England, by the way. I live in New Hampshire. don't worry about the brain slipperiness, i'm pretty sure i've permanently fried my brain from all the reefer i've smoked over the years. i have ZERO short term memory left.

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