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Hi, I'm back (sort of)


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I don't know whether at this late date anybody even remembers me. But I thought I'd do the polite thing and reintroduce myself. Hi, my name is Faith, I'm a raving nutjob! ::beauty queen wave::

I won't sum up my whole psychiatric history again (it's kind of sad I HAVE a history) but I'm bipolar 1 and have SI issues. Isn't that so nice and neat? I was on Depakote and Seroquel. Depakote kicked my butt. I didn't even realize how bad until...

I got pregnant. I stopped taking it. I couldn't eat for a week. I had a brief but intense manic episode where I did not sleep, no, not at all, not even a little bit, and annoyed even myself by the end of it. I made a good dent in the 20 lbs I gained while taking it. My hair is finally growing back. It sucked.  ;)

Anyway I'm 11 weeks pregnant now and after a mere 5 weeks unmedicated, I'm a weepy, depressed wreck. My psych put me on Lamictal today. "As far as we know, it hasn't been linked with birth defects. If your baby has birth defects, THAT would be from the Depakote!" Thanks, Doc! You know how to cheer a girl up!

The SI thing has been pretty good. I have not done it for about 4 months now. We finally have razors back in the house. And now they have to disappear again, because I have been soooo tempted lately.

I hate this feeling. I hate needing the meds like some kind of junkie. I know it doesn't work like that but I hate it, I hate it. I want to wake up one morning and be normal. I want to muscle through bipolar disorder like it's just a case of cramps. I want it to just disappear. I hate not knowing how I will feel from day to day or hour to hour. I hate being scared of myself. I look back at the last time I was suicidal and can't believe I was so freaking pathetic. There are people homeless in Louisiana and I want to kill myself because of what? Brain chemistry? Bah. Was I out of my mind? Ummm yes, come to think of it! I thought I was OK with the whole bipolar thing but frankly, honestly, I'm still ashamed to be mentally ill.

I took a break from this board because the whole change over from the old format, especially with chat, threw me for a big loop. I'm not good with big, sudden changes. I realized it was causing me more stress than what I needed, so I decided to take a hiatus. I didn't post any big weepy "I'm taking my ball and going home 'cause I don't like the reorg!" posts, I just left. I apologize if in retrospect that was a little inconsiderate. I just don't like being a drama queen. And honestly, I doubt anybody noticed for more than 2 seconds anyway.

So, I am back, I don't know if I can keep up with the newly expanded board, and all the new members I see, but I hope to be able to make some sort of positive contribution when I am up to it. I am taking college classes part time now to finish my degree. I'm on break right now though. Anyway, thanks for reading this far.  Godspeed :)

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hi faith,

godspeed? well i hope they washed their hands afterward.

;)   (very sorry, it just popped into my head and i couldn't resist).

i remember your username but the details have left me. but don't feel bad, MY details leave me all the time. i'm sorry to hear that you got knocked for such a loop with the changeover. and with all that has gone on for you i am REALLY glad that you've made your way back here. it sounds like you are in need of some understanding and support.

i'm neither bipolar nor pregnant, but you have my sympathy by the bucket. and please don't beat yourself up for feeling suicidal and terrible. THAT i can relate to. heck yes. i'm sorry that you're still ashamed to be mentall ill. i am only embarassed when i have to talk to a stranger about it (like the recruiter at the police station, oh yes i'll be getting THAT job now). but i'm not ashamed because to me someone has come along and told me that i'm ill and that i'm not actually the total freaking loser that i've privately thought i am my entire life. well not necessarily anyway (i ain't successfully treated yet).

so welcome back and i hope you can find the support you need here.

grouse.

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hey faith,

I don't think that we really interacted that much when you were here, but of course I remember you!  Don't say things along the lines of that you "doubt anybody noticed [you were gone] for more than 2 seconds."  We are a community, a family, and you are just as much a part of it as everyone else is.

first off, congratulations on your pregnacy!  ;)

I'm sorry that you have been having a hard time, though.  I know what it is like to be tempted to SI in times when you are a "weepy, depressed wreck."  I am sorta going through that myself at the moment as well and it is in no way a fun position to be in.  Congratulations on not cutting for about four months, though!  That is an awesome accomplishment that ou should be very proud of.

Anyway, welcome back and I hope you decide to stay.  Don't worry about being a "drama queen."  If you are feeling bad, do not hesitate to post.  If it will help you to feel better and prevent you from partaking in self harming acts, it is by no means a waste or you being dramatic... just remember that.

Be well and welcome back

xo

~Ophelia

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Hi Faith, welcome back.

Don't let the big board overwhelm you. You have to pick and choose what you read.  It's impossible to read the whole thing anymore.

Congratulations on the baby! Trust your Pdoc and don't let things slide without calling him.  Hope your hubby is safe and well.

Cheers,

A.M.

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Faith!  i remember you......the big question is, do you remember ME?  as i recall, weren't you moving across the country or something right before the board change?  your husband is in the military?  are you the person i'm thinking of, who had her dog taken?  or am i confusing you with someone else and making you feel bad?

i do remember you from the SI board.  i think you deserve congratulations for a 4 month run.

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Hey! You DO remember me!  ;) Yep you got it right! I am very surprised! Yes, DH is still in the military, we did recently move here to Fort Middle of Nowhere (which could be half the military installations in the U.S., come to find out!) He is doing well, however the muckety-mucks are talking about sending him to Iraq come January. We are hoping, praying, wishing fervently that this will not come to pass. But if they do, the kidlets and I will be packing up and moving- again. I'm not staying here any longer than I have to- we've been here since Jan. and I still don't know a soul.

As far as our dog, Reddog, yup, you're thinking of Sammy. Very sadly, his neurological condition deteriorated even farther and we had to have him "put to sleep" (nice way of saying "we had our dog killed because we couldn't stand to see him suffering and the vets couldn't do anything for him.") It was not what we expected at all. We were told before he might even improve on his own. But the dice didn't land that way for him. He wasn't even a year old. I can't tell you how much it broke my heart. We have not adopted another doggie. I just can't take it. We still have our guinea pig though! Life is so simple for guinea pigs!

Thanks for the kind thoughts, guys. Believe it or not, something so simple made my day. I fully expected zero replies and lots of baffled looks LOL

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Anyway I'm 11 weeks pregnant now and after a mere 5 weeks unmedicated, I'm a weepy, depressed wreck.

Three words for you: Cinnamon Graham Crackers

I personally believe they are the secret to a successful pregnancy while Mentally Ill.

There are people homeless in Louisiana and I want to kill myself because of what?
Good goddess, I don't know... it's Louisiana, you know?  What can anyone really find redeeming about Ft. Polk?  I mean, it's Ft. flipping Polk!  The industrial waste super-fund cesspool of the United States!

Sigh.

I see your point.  They are human beings.  But so are you.  And so are your kids.  And so is your baby.  Someone has to have priority, and I don't think it should be the Ft. Polkian leeches.

Brain chemistry? Bah. Was I out of my mind? Ummm yes, come to think of it! I thought I was OK with the whole bipolar thing but frankly, honestly, I'm still ashamed to be mentally ill.

And frankly, well, join the club.  I don't even mean it flippantly.  I think we're all ashamed on some level.  Why?  Because society at large (ie: polite society) doesn't want to deal with us.  Shit - could you imagine showing up at a family support group meeting and announcing: "Hi everybody, it's great to meet you, I'm Faith, and I'm really going to need a hell of a lot of your support during this next deployment because I'm mentally ill."

They'd flee like rats.  Military family, my ass.

I've decided to take a different tact: I've started wearing those "crazy bunny" t-shirts (where the bunny is in a straight jacket, etc.) and just announcing that I am crazy.  No one believes me.  It's quite liberating.  Takes the stress right off.  Oh, and I've quit the family support system and wives shit completely.  That was relaxing, too. B)

Hang in there, it will be alright.

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FAITH!!!

despite my brilliant and probably highly inappropriate comment in my original post here (for a thread started by a person with the username 'faith') i have to post again. while crazyboards was down this weekend i got bored and went and cruised the old crazymeds.us site. i went and checked out my old thread there and you were my very first responder! followed by minx, nick post and dibba.

so THANK YOU!!! you helped to welcome me into this wonderful place that has become another home to me. i've met so many great people here.

thank you again and i hope you stick around this time!!

grousemouse.

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Thanks for the welcome, grouse. I remembered your picture lol I'm glad you've settled in and found your niche here. My participation tends to wax and wane, I've noticed, with my stability level. And since I'm still debating with myself over when to start the Lamictal (should I start it? What if the baby comes out with three heads? How would I justify the expense in hats alone?) welll....I'll be in and and out. Definitely will have to try the graham crackers.  B)

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Hey There Faith,

  Good to meetcha. I have been around the boards for a few weeks now, but am just coming out of my shell. At least until my next wave of hermit crabitis, in which I will go back into my shell until my mind decides it's okay to talk to other people again, lol. So yeah, I understand the waxing and waning in participation, I am the same way. I hate it, but hey, that's me. You're not alone.

  I wish you much luck in your pregnancy, congrats! Hope to see you around.

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