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hello, i'm new.  i'm 31, female, dx paranoid sz. 

i just got out of the hospital yesterday after a very short five day stay during which i struggled to get out as quickly as possible despite it being a voluntary admission.  i am dealing with some situational depression, the sz itself well-managed by now.

i am wondering if anybody here has dealt with situational depression on top of sz. 

i will tell you what has been going on now to cause this.

i was recently diagnosed with cancer of the ovaries and of the endometrial lining of the uterus.  i had two surgeries in the course of one month.  the first was to remove a huge ovarian cyst and my left ovary.  the ovary, sent off to a lab, was found to contain cancer.  a biopsy of my endometrial lining proved cancerous as well.  i had to then have a hysterectomy. 

fortunately the first surgery was an emergency surgery and i did not have time to think before it happened!  so i could not run away from it.  i very nearly could not go through with my hysterectomy, but my mother held me in place and calmed me down and i managed to allow them to perform the surgery. 

then i underwent three rounds of internal radiation, which was terrifying because they keep cameras on you during this process, additionally i was certain something was in the radiation itself that was going to steal personal, private things from me.  but i've managed to finish the radiation.  i also have taken on two rounds of chemotherapy out of four to six rounds total.  the chemo, strangely, does not scare me as badly as the other things. 

the main problem i am having is that i am very high functioning (though not perfect by any stretch: i do not work, i live with my parents, etc.) and i do have a lot of dreams.  my prognosis is very good with the cancer.  but i am 31 years old and do not have any children.  i will not be able to have children now.  i have always wanted children.

please do not tell me that i should not wish for children because i have been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia.  i have been told this is a blessing that i cannot because i wanted them, given my diagnosis, and this hurts more than i can explain to hear.

a lot of people say i can always adopt, too.  well, i know they don't allow schizophrenics to adopt kids. 

so there will be no children.

i am extremely low.  i am not sure how to handle this. 

i thought, at first, that my symptoms would increase due to all of this stress, but for some reason this has not happened.  i guess that means the abilify really does work well.  which i am happy about.  used to be stress of any kind would kick up something fiercely psychotic. 

it doesn't have to be like having cancer or anything, but have any of you gone through dealing with sz and this type of depression related to something that has happened to you?  has it been tough to treat?  is it mostly a matter of riding it out and allowing the mind to sort of deal with it, mourn a little maybe if it is a loss of something (even a dream maybe). 

maybe it's like being diagnosed and accepting it in the first place.  you sort of lose something and must mourn a little and learn to cope.  i'm not sure.

i think people forget that i have feelings sometimes.  i am not made of stone.  i am not locked inside of myself.  i have been, in the past, locked inside, but i feel the opposite is true right now.  everything seems to cut right into me and everything hurts me. it is as though my heart is spread over my entire skin. my pdoc addresses the depression and i see her again on monday.  but i think she doesn't understand how deeply depressed i am feeling.  i have a hard time communicating this verbally to her.  oral communication is one of my big trouble spots.

i often hear people say that people with sz do not get depressed.  if they are correct, i must not have sz, because if this isn't depression i don't know what it is.  i do not normally feel depressed.  i think it is natural, given what i am going through and have been through, to feel depressed.

i feel very alone.  that's why i'm here.  i wish i weren't so alone in this. 

thank you for reading,

catiger

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Hi, catiger.  I'm really sorry to hear about your cancer and surgeries.  I'm schizoaffective, so most of my depression has been caused by my illness, but I think people are wrong when they say those with sz don't get depressed.  That's bullshit.  People with sz are people, which means they get happy and sad and everything else that humans can feel.

You deserve to have time to grieve over your loss.  Don't let anyone take that away from you.

And you're not alone.  There's a whole board full of nice people here, and there's bound to be someone who can relate.  ;)

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