An introduction for Zii

[Guest Zii]

Hello everyone!

My name is Zii and im 23 year old male who lives in Connecticut. In my spare time I enjoy performing, mostly because I like to see people smile. Maybe that comes from my own desire to smile more often, or to be seen as valuable by the world at large. Strangers opinions matter too much to me. I am working on not giving as much of a crap about it.

Some people think im crazy, maybe I am... I don't really trust doctors so getting "diagnosed" becomes difficult. Maybe I am damaged, I have been through some shit. Between growing up with a speech impediment to having a brother that passed away from complications related to drug addiction a few years back. Of course it was the day after I cut my hair into a mohawk. Fate wanted me to look ridiculous at my brothers funeral. Though... it was hard to care much about my hair when my brother lay there in a coffin.

How many people here think that most "cazy" people are just being dramatic? I have felt that way, even in the midst of my own breakdowns. Sometimes my mood swings wildly, and emotional stability has always been an elusive bastard. Sometimes I also fear that I might have overshot stability and arrived somewhere near detached.

Generally I feel like I am a cursed soul. The area I live has no life so I spend most of my time at home. I havent been able to find work since I finished school over a year ago. I fix computers in my spare time, when I can. Being unemployed and uninsured really blows, and after this long its become difficult to keep up the fight, and keep smiling while I pretend that I dont care that I am basically not alive. Ive really come to believe I am not alive, that I am merely existing and this isnt life.

I guess you can say I am depressed. I have probably been depressed my whole life. I remember as a kid how I would spend most of my days during recess sitting against a wall with my legs and head pulled into my winter jacket. I would sit there and look out through a button hole at the world. I kind of feel like that is what I am still doing in life.

Anyways, its been a pleasure introducing myself to you all. I hope I havent been too long winded.

Sincerely,

Zii

[Zii]

Im registered now. Yay

[r2mnot]

Hi Zii.

There's generally less activity around here on the weekends, so if you don't get many responses, that's probably why. I have no life, so I'm here a lot. Heh.

I never felt as if I was being overly dramatic, but family/friends/co-workers often commented that I was too emotional and erratic. Meds have helped me a lot with both...and some other stuff.

Anyhow, welcome to the forums.

[Indigo 'n dye]

"...just dramatic..."? No really, in my case there is no just about being dramatic.

Welcome, make yourself comfortable and join in when you are ready,

Cheers, Indigo

[Zii]

Meh, it was just a thought really. I know I can get dramatic, its probably some sort of subconscious call for attention. It would fit in pretty well with my delusions of hardly existing. I also was not trying to single anyone out. I just cant help but think about it. Then again, I am the kind of an a-hole too.

Well, on second thought.... I have decided to single you all out. Way to go guys, you know what im talking about.

As an alternative question.... I wonder how many people have become liars and jerks because they find it ultimately impossible to talk with people normally. I certainly have. I will just mess with people. "Can I smoke a cigarette on your back porch?" / "Yearh, go ahead, but watch out, its wicked unstable.... no actually its fine, i was just messing with you" / "Damnit now I dont know if I should be worried about the deck or not." and then I just laugh. My game is to see how bold I can make the lies before people catch on.