cheryderry Posted October 21, 2010 Share Posted October 21, 2010 I've never joined one of these sites. Read them. But never joined one. I'm not a big joiner but most of my type aren't, which undermines the whole concept of having a community in any sense of the word. The list of disorders as well as traumas is long. Really long. I'm the daughter of a father who died a horrific death battling cancer when I was three and then endured a mother who was suffering from much of the same disorders I now have. My personality disorders result in a 3 year-old me who very adamantly believes she killed her father and ruined all future life for herself and family... and deserves to be punished for that. My mother was abusive, extremely angry, and very, very creative. That's only a good mix for a horror movie plot, not a childhood. And her revolving door boyfriends didn't do much to help out in the abuse department. I'm the daughter of a mother who became a prescription drug addict at a time when the concept was barely formed, let alone addressed. And she did her best to get drugs: played over 5 doctors out, used 3 different pharmacies, and almost always paid cash. Dementia in a very serious sense set in by the time I was 10. And before she killed herself a few weeks after my 13th birthday, she made sure she'd left at least one journal delineating all the wrongs I'd done to her and how I had ruined her life. That I was a child born solely for a husband who was dead. The 10 year old wants mommy to love her and just be every fantasy of a perfect mom a child could fathom. And I also hated her and looked for every possible way to make her life more difficult (taking things apart, moving objects, leaving doors slightly ajar or de-centering objects as well as screaming matches did the trick). I spent most of my childhood sick and therefore stuck at home, with her. The 13 year old in me believes that either I could've saved her and I failed OR that she never loved me and that's why she could so easily hand over the ultimate "fuck-you" through suicide. That's about the first half of my life and I don't think this long paragraph entices anyone to really read on, so I'll stop with the personal story there. Who the hell am I? I'm three years old, I'm Susanna Kaysen, I'm my mother's daughter, I'm 13 years old with all the angst and bitterness being a teenager holds, I'm Sylvia Plath, I'm those people the local ER and Psych get to know, I am my all my meds, I'm all my insecurities, failures, and self-loathing. I'm a student/scholar, with a BA and MA both highest honors in English Literature. I'm a killer in disguise, hidden behind light blonde hair and blue-green eyes, having some sense that all the family and friends I've lost thus far in life were somehow my fault. I'm currently on 4 Mg of xanax on top of all my regular meds because I had an hysterical break-down, which is how I found this site to begin with. One of my new meds, Geodon, is making me very jittery and having odd effects... this site came up with a discussion about the med from 2005. I'm the patient therapists love to leach off of (and have) and I'm an excellent candidate for hospitalization should one too many more "slip-ups" occur. My name is Cheryl, Cher, Chery, Cherrie L. I've had a shit life, I hate these upcoming holidays, and I'm really going out on a limb here, trying to maybe find something or even some community. Oh, and things talk to me. Usually they're objects that hate me and enjoy my misery. If you read this far, thank you but also why the hell do/did you even care about it? Unless you wanted to watch a good train wreck, and if so, I can oblige with better, more detailed vignettes ... I have plenty stories to share. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thedramapolice Posted October 21, 2010 Share Posted October 21, 2010 Welcome to CrazyBoards. We are a haven, a support group, a home, a family, friends, co-workers. We're as common as the people you pass on the street. We're not here to hand you the secret to fixing everything, we're not going to shut you out or turn you away. I'm not a very old member here, but I can promise these things because I have experienced them myself. I care because you are a human being and you (like everyone else here) deserve to live at your optimum potential. If we can help you get there, good for us. If we can't well...we didn't promise anything. It may not help to hear this, but I'm sorry for everything you've had to go through in your life and if you ever need someone to talk, my inbox is always open. -Bells Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnneMarie Posted October 21, 2010 Share Posted October 21, 2010 When trains pull into a station, they often don't end up in wrecks. Sounds like you've had a rough time of it. That's unfair. Although life is not fair, it doesn't mean that you can't feel cheated. Pulling together and letting go, however, are the hard parts. It's sort of difficult to walk on firm ground when you feel you've never had any. Welcome to CB. Others with similar stories have graced these rooms. Perhaps they will help you feel more at home. We have blogs and chat in addition to the boards. Feel welcome to try out either or both. Mods and admins are around to help. Please PM one if you have questions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
akacal1991 Posted October 21, 2010 Share Posted October 21, 2010 Welcome to the boards....i hope you find all that you're looking for here. If you need to chat, someone's always on chat at some point, so remember you're not alone in all this Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Emettman Posted October 21, 2010 Share Posted October 21, 2010 My name is Cheryl, Cher, Chery, Cherrie L. I've had a shit life, I hate these upcoming holidays, and I'm really going out on a limb here, trying to maybe find something or even some community. Oh, and things talk to me. Usually they're objects that hate me and enjoy my misery. If you read this far, thank you but also why the hell do/did you even care about it? Unless you wanted to watch a good train wreck, and if so, I can oblige with better, more detailed vignettes ... I have plenty stories to share. I'll join you in not liking Christmas. When the incessant bombardment of adverts and "good cheer" becomes too much I fort up in my bunker with a good supply of food and books for me, and of dry logs for the stove . Just me. I could probably find room for one more refugee if you are anywhere near Bodmin Moor. Why read your post? Newcomers might be kindred spirits/fellow suffers, we do have some degree of interest in and compassion for our fellow human beings... .. that's apart from looking for the good one-liners. And no, I spend a lot of my time preventing train wrecks. Literally. (model railway enthusaist). Furthermore, anyone who can write " detailed vignettes" can't be all bad. Chris. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Outrider Posted October 21, 2010 Share Posted October 21, 2010 If you read this far, thank you but also why the hell do/did you even care about it? Unless you wanted to watch a good train wreck, and if so, I can oblige with better, more detailed vignettes ... I have plenty stories to share. "What's got you, its just called bad luck"- Molly, "Neuromancer." You're not a killer. You may have a war goddess in there but I doubt you are a killer. Hello to your kids. It's safe here. I wish I had had this board too when I helped my ex wife with her pack of kids. Maybe we could've set up a play date for your ten year old and her ten year old? Ever read anything by Lois Mcmaster Bujold? Like cats? How about sailing? I think what I'm saying is, we're here and we listen. "Shared Joy is increased, shared pain is lessened"- Callahan's Crosstime Saloon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stickler Posted October 22, 2010 Share Posted October 22, 2010 I hate Thanksgiving and Christmas too. Christmas I understand-that's easy. Think I may have pieced together why Thanksgiving. There are lots of things I have decanted from repression...but they all tend to be emotional-content heavy and factual-content light. I'm 37, and I think it's never too late to have a happy childhood. Or adolescence, for that matter. Welcome to here. This is a really good place. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Velvet Elvis Posted October 22, 2010 Share Posted October 22, 2010 Glad you found us. I don't think anyone here is really into emotional pornography so please don't feel inclined to share for our sake. Just share what's comfortable to you when it will make you feel better. The secret PTSD board is hidden from guest users and search engines. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Littlewing Posted October 22, 2010 Share Posted October 22, 2010 Welcome to the board Cheryl. You've had it hard, no question there, but look at all the things you've done in spite of all that - you have an MA and a BA (with highest honours)! That doesn't come lightly girl. That takes hard work and dedication. And it looks as though you're doing your best to apply that to helping yourself too. So I applaud you for that too. It wouldn't be the slightest bit overdramatic to say that CB and the people on it helped to save my life 2 years ago and for that, I will be eternally grateful. I know how much courage it takes to come and join a board like this and then interact with people, but this is most definitely a community of sorts, and I have found it extremely supportive. It isn't a warm and fuzzy place, it's a place where people will be honest and occasionally tell you hard truths, but it is without question done out of love and caring. It's a good environment with some amazing people on it. Stick around, I think you'll like it. And as VE says, don't share more than you feel comfortable with. I'm the sort of person that just vomits it all out, but that's just me. I'm in a really good and happy place now (thanks to meds and CBT) so if you want to PM me for a chat and have me be disgustingly upbeat and positive at you all over the place, please feel free. I do feel like a walking, talking advert for meds, CBT and Crazyboards! All wonderful things. However, I will also listen and empathise. Many of us here had difficult childhoods and mine was no exception (though not in the same way as yours), so I think a great many of us can identify with a fair bit of what you said. So, pull up a metaphorical chair, have a cuppa and a biscuit (if the budget runs to it) and have a chinwag with the rest of us crazies. Oh, and as Outrider says...you're not a killer honey. Everybody's choice is their own when it comes down to it. You didn't make your mother chose to commit suicide, whatever she may have said in her journal. It's always a cop out to blame other people for your choices in life. And she blamed you. And it was unfair. Well done for taking that first step. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cheryderry Posted October 23, 2010 Author Share Posted October 23, 2010 Thanks, everyone. To whomever quoted Neuromancer, awesome. Everyone else, thank you again. ...and that's about as verbose as a reply to my own introduction thread is or ought to be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nightspeed1 Posted October 24, 2010 Share Posted October 24, 2010 Sometimes simple is best in the face of all the fury that life can bring. So I will simply say "Welcome, and have hope". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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