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Can't sleep.  Just got internet yesterday.  In Hattiesburg, MS, about 75 miles north of gulfport.  We got hit hard, a week of true hell for me and for others it just keeps going.  Just now seeing the pictures and reading the stories.  It's....it's just too much for me.  I don't know how to deal with this.  I don't know how to deal with normal stuff and now in our city fear and soldiers and trees everywhere and father yelling cause he can't get beer and where to get water ice and ppl shot and oh my god now things are getting better but I don't know what to do with it.  Having nightmares.  Feel so bad, I should be strong i should be dealing so much better off than so many but it's just all falling apart now it feels like the world is ending...... was just in new orleans in july lived there for five years the home of my ancestors the family crypt i can't believe it can't believe it can't believe anything.  and my cat isaac my cat isaac i left him in new orleans years ago don't know where he is with a friend i don't know anymore and everyone left the pets and oh my god what is happening nobody knows what is really happening

tried to start my new job i can't do it it was my only way out and now won't be able to find a new one cause so many new ppl here looking for jobs from coast and that's awful to say they are so much worse off i can't deal with this how to deal how to deal someone tell me how to deal I'm stuck here forever with the family of pain and everything i do is wrong

supposed to see the pdoc tomorrow well was supposed to see him thursday after hurricane but on the way to get water and ice we saw the building parts of the roof torn off where i go to doctor and now a msg says i should go tomorrow so i will go and see maybe not too badly damaged i just hope i can wake up since now i can't sleep and i didn't want to be like this anymore i was doing so good i kept my cool so long and now i can't get my life back i was doing so good and everything is all over me

put this somewhere else if not in the right place i don't know what to do on these boards yet

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Bayta,

Glad you got through the storm. I know I can't say anything that would compare to what you have been through but all of us are here for you night and day when you want to unload. I wish you nothing but better days ahead.

Sondra

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Try to wait it out until you see pdoc.  Ignore father wanting beer (yeah, cuase THAT is a necessity) and focus on yourself.  You sound pretty manic in your rant and justifiably so.  Definitely see pdoc, you need help.  I am sure it is hard to put your own needs first because there are so many people out there who need help, but the only way you can even start to make things better is to make yourself feel better.  Are there support groups popping up to help victims?  There really should be.  Maybe your pdoc can tell you about some or at least clue you in.  You should try to join in with other people who are feeling the way you do and start the greiving process. 

My prayers are with you and I don't usually pray, so that is saying a lot.  Keep posting.

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thank you for responses.  my father doesn't need beer anymore it is now available, just it's one of those things from that first week that is really hard won't stop going through my head.  my sister and i were trying to figure out if we had enough water and where to get water and my dad kept yelling irrational things at us about how we're useless and he's usually an ass but i think it was compounded by going through detox or something.  i have suspected he is an alcoholic for a while.  i also think he has undiagnosed mental illness, and wouldn't be surprised he hears voices with some of the things he says sometimes.  it's weird it's scary especially when he's wasting energy and resources and you don't know if you have enough water to live on (we have water now, this was week 1 when we had no idea what the hell was going on absolutely no communications only radio stations reporting on the worst hit areas).  Also he is very physically intimidating during these times - my sister says he beat her when we were younger.  All reasons I have sworn to get out of here as soon as I can.  But now no job cause i couldn't hack it and all the fears are just getting out of hand and the guilt like you said i should take care of myself but i just feel so guilty for not being able to handle things when all these people have lost everything and i still have my "stuff" for whatever that counts and my medicine and a roof and food, etc.  I don't know about support groups, will see what my pdoc says, hope he doesn't try to put me on more meds b/c of this i just was getting better before katrina.  write more later gotta go to appt now.

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there's a name for it: PTSD

and part of what you're feelins is survivor guilt too.  go check out the ptsd board, ask your pdoc about counseling....are there any counseling services available where you are?  like, Red Cross short term services?  they are getting better about dealing with people's emotional needs as well physical.

you're not going insane, you're not alone, lots of folks feel like this after a trauma, go to the ptsd board and join us. 

and get some therapy.  ptsd is best treated with therapy, not drugs (IMHO).

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there's a name for it: PTSD

and part of what you're feelins is survivor guilt too.  go check out the ptsd board, ask your pdoc about counseling....are there any counseling services available where you are?  like, Red Cross short term services?  they are getting better about dealing with people's emotional needs as well physical.

you're not going insane, you're not alone, lots of folks feel like this after a trauma, go to the ptsd board and join us. 

and get some therapy.  ptsd is best treated with therapy, not drugs (IMHO).

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I thought about ptsd.  i thought about survivor's guilt things i have heard about before.  It sounds stupid i guess, but i feel guilty saying that maybe i have ptsd because other ppl deserve to have it so much more.  that sounds wrong, i mean they've been through worse and maybe i'm just a complaining and miserable person.  my pdoc was not much help, though he tried to listen.  everyone tells me to try to go back to work i don't even know if i still have a job, i only went for one day and got sick and called in sick and now it's been 3 days.  i would love to have good therapy but i've been here a while and had mostly bad experiences with therapists in the area.  i heard something about support groups on the radio, i will have to try to catch it again can't seem to find the info online yet.  i feel stupid going to a support group for victims when i'm not as bad off as other ppl who are homeless and grieving for lost loved ones.  maybe i could help though, maybe, lord knows i was in enough support groups when living in new orleans i know too much lingo but this is different.  my father is starting to say really rude things to me again cause i haven't gone in to work.  i will read on the ptsd board.

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bayta,

I can't begin to imagine what you must be going through. I just want you to know that a lot of us here are thinking of you and wishing you well. Even though you feel like you're panicking and not holding up, you ARE getting through it, in the best way you can, and that's enough. Sometimes survival is the best we can do.

I hope, now that our illustrious government is finally getting its shit together, that there will be a lot of services coming your way; not only for the physical and financial aspects of this disaster, but for the mental and emotional horrors that you have survived.

You're here. You're talking. You will get through this.

Greeny

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thought about ptsd.  i thought about survivor's guilt things i have heard about before.  It sounds stupid i guess, but i feel guilty saying that maybe i have ptsd because other ppl deserve to have it so much more.  that sounds wrong, i mean they've been through worse and maybe i'm just a complaining and miserable person.

6 said it quite well.  I would say, look at it this way, everyone will be affected differently, for whatever reasons.  we really can't judge the impact on someone just by external appearances.....there may be stuff we don't see.

you really can't compare your reactions to anyone elses....your reactions are uniquely yours, and different from the next guy on the street.  what matters is how much it affects YOU.

and no one deserves it, it's not a prize or an award, it's just something that happens. it's a normal human reaction to horrible events.  in a way, you do deserve it cuz you're a person and PTSD is one of the ways people react to horrific events.

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thanks to everyone for their support.  i'm still pretty lost.  i suppose the numbers you talk about make some sense but right now my head is all splintered or something.  nobody deserves any of this.  i do fine mostly during the day, especially when i've been able to get out of the house for a few hours and try to do productive things like go to doctor or pharmacy.  It's at night things get really bad.  I was actually really tired last night and fell asleep round 11pm or so i think, then woke up at like 2-3am and just everything was bad and finally got back to sleep and had more nightmares about ppl drowning and i can't help.

my sister from NYC is supposed to be coming tomorrow.  she claims she will help.  but i think we're just cleaning up the yard trying to salvage some of our gardens.  We had a beautiful shade garden, my mother's pride and joy, but a tree just splatted on it and literally the bench there is flattened.  Some of the plants will come back, even if they are crooked!  Problem is, the garden is no longer in the shade with all the trees that fell.  Our neighbors just buldozed their whole yard, there's no grass, no plants, no life left.  Really, you care about this.  I will try gardening therapy or something.  We will try to ignore the fact that two trees still lay across the yard and just beyond our yard huge trees are stacked like pick-up sticks where once there was beautiful woods.  Now we look out and up and all we see is sky with a few chopped off trees (the wind literally just snapped them).  It is like this everywhere here.  It's unbelievable the huge trees uprooted - on its side one of the root balls is like twice my height and beneath it is a huge hole (we have many of these holes in our yard).  I don't know how we'll ever clean it all up.

Oh lord, i should eat or something.  I haven't been eating much, just not hungry.  Habit from just after the storm when we didn't have many bountiful meals I guess.

Anyway, anyone know how to move to phoenix and get a job on like no money?  I so badly want to get outta dodge.  I feel really useless and incapable though after not being sane enough to continue going in to my job of chaos.  This was my first job in like 6 months or more.  I had such high hopes of getting paychecks and leaving here and the family crap.  Fuck Katrina, fuck bush, fuck fema.  i will now blame everyone...

--Bayta

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Anyway, anyone know how to move to phoenix and get a job on like no money?  I so badly want to get outta dodge.

Yes. Call City Hall. Or pick a smaller town nearby. I live in a town of about 45,000 and the city is making housing and other aid available for something like 150 families who have been displaced by Katrina and don't want to stay. There are letters in our local paper every day from people asking what they can do to help.

If you're serious about relocating to the southwest, I can do some research for you. PM me.

Greeny

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Hey everyone. I just wanted to write and let everyone know that I am still here and dealing a little better.  My family is a complete mess, but right now I am keeping an eye on Hurricane Rita (expected to be another monster), which models still show going to TX but I don't trust it.  Is this my PTSD about the storm coming through?  Maybe, but I asked mom to stock up on bottled water and our regular pantry stock before everyone starts panicking and walmart becomes absolutely impossible (it is now still crazy busy with all of the extra 10,000 ppl in our city of around 50,000, and don't get me started about dangerous traffic; a local official said, "this is big city traffic on small city roads").  Cause everyone WILL start panicking if it starts turning north,  even though we're unlikely to get directly in the path this time. 

People are still terribly anxious and tired and we have ppl from the worst parts of the coast and new orleans evacuated here.  We did get some of the big pine trees out back that survived Katrina taken down in case of more winds, as they were a threat to the house.    Everyone please will this storm to Mexico for us, please?  Preferably to a sparsely populated area? 

I'm planning on moving to Phoenix, but must obviously stay put for now (or at least not go west).  I can't help but feel terribly for those who survived the trauma with only their lives, were taken to TX, and now are being moved elsewhere.  Please tell me someone somewhere is planning a massive mental health plan for everyone down here.  People here are becoming unhinged (example woman next door mowing the grass after they buldozed all the fallen trees and debris out of her yard leaving only dirt!), and we weren't even in the worst of it.

--bayta

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Hi Bayta,

I can't relate to what you're going through.  We've had horrible floods here in CA where I live, but that's nothing compared to a hurricane.

but I asked mom to stock up on bottled water and our regular pantry stock before everyone starts panicking and walmart becomes absolutely impossible

that is a completely logical and prudent thing to do of course. No it is not the PTSD.  If I lived in any states surrounding the projected path, I'd stock up and maybe even buy a generator.  I hope it passes you by, but if not you'll be prepared!

My thoughts are with you and so are soooo many others, not just in the south but all over the nation and even the world. Wishing you safety and peace,

Hang in there.

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