Hey guys

[mompcork]

I found this board randomly while searching for something unrelated and immediately felt more at peace.

I've had depression and anxiety ever since I can remember. Before cell phones were common, if my mom or dad was 30 minutes late it was not unusual for me to call a hospital to see if they were in the ER.

When I was 19 my first husband died leaving me 6 months pregnant and penniless. I knew the best thing for her was to give her up, so she lives with a nice family in Minnesota and I have open contact with her. I went into deep depression that got worse on 9/11.

Nov. 14 2001 my life changed for the better. I met my husband (he was my boss ) and after 2 weeks we were in love, he met my family at Thanksgiving and proposed on Dec. 1st. We were married March 1st and conceived our oldest son Mason on March 17th.

Shortly after giving birth to Mason it became clear my health was in trouble. Something was wrong. I weighed 95lbs and couldn't walk across my small house without collapsing. On March 16th 2003 my husband took me to the ER. They said I was about to have a heart attack as my potassium was very high and I couldn't stay conscious due to my low blood pressure. On March 23rd I was diagnosed with Addison's Disease. Suddenly everything in my entire life made sense. My depression, fatigue, dark skin, craving of salt.

They told me I'd have trouble conceiving again and we wanted our kids to be very close, so that December we conceived our youngest son, Xander.

I had gained a lot of weight due to being on a steroid. Before my diagnosis I'd never had to work at being skinny, now I had to work not to be obese.

Everything was going so well for us this last 2 years. We moved to a gorgeous spot in Colorado, my marriage is the strongest it's ever been. My boys were my life. My mental health problems had settled down, we were all good.

On August 7th my 5 year old son Xander died suddenly of sepsis. Even now I find it impossible to rationalize that I will never ever ever see my baby again.

DSS believes we could have prevented his death. So on top of our grief and guilt, we have more guilt. DSS took our son Mason away 2 days after Xander died. They acted like it would be temporary, but it's clear that is not the case. If we go to trial and win we'll get him back in January. If we don't go to trial we will maybe get him back in August.

I'm dreading the holidays. I hate this life and I want my problems to go away.

I'm mildly suicidal as is my husband, but we are going through the motions for our son. Maybe he'd forgive us for dying and leaving him an orphan, but once he found out that we chose it....well, I'd never forgive me.

I used to be a Christian, now I no longer believe or want to believe in God.

So that's the important stuff. I saw this forum was called crazyboards and I knew it was the place for me.

So...hi guys.

[The Emperor]

Hi, welcome to the boards.

It's hard to know what to say because I'm so sorry for everything you've gone through. I cannot imagine.

[mompcork]

Hi, welcome to the boards.

It's hard to know what to say because I'm so sorry for everything you've gone through. I cannot imagine.

Thank you Emperor

[Stickler]

Wow, how sad...I'm so sorry.

[mompcork]

Wow, how sad...I'm so sorry.

Thanks Stickler.

[mudpuppy]

Goddamn.

I'm at a loss for words. Mostly because you seem tough enough to kick my ass, with all the shit you've been through.

Umm...

Welcome to CrazyBoards?

[mompcork]

Goddamn.

I'm at a loss for words. Mostly because you seem tough enough to kick my ass, with all the shit you've been through.

Umm...

Welcome to CrazyBoards?

My husband tells me I'm strong, but I've always felt weak. Like I'm one bad day away from being in a nice white jacket.

But I do thank you very much mudpuppy.

Anyone else get jittery after they take ativan? I just took one and I can't stop the leg tapping thing.

ETA: Damn, that Lucas kid in your sig has a hell of a voice.

[bpladybug]

Such heartbreak. You and your husband have to hang in there for Mason. Hopefully you have a good attorney, and the social workers involved look favorably at you. I hope he is home soon.

Honestly, i don't know how you do it. Do you have good support from a sister, or aunt, or other relative? And welcome!

[mompcork]

Such heartbreak. You and your husband have to hang in there for Mason. Hopefully you have a good attorney, and the social workers involved look favorably at you. I hope he is home soon.

Honestly, i don't know how you do it. Do you have good support from a sister, or aunt, or other relative? And welcome!

We do have 2 very good attorneys. And we've complied with every whim of DSS, so that's helpful.

My husband is my best support system, he's my best friend. My parents and sister are also great. I'm seeing a psychiatrist for meds once a month but don't have a therapist yet due to money troubles. Lawyers aren't cheap!

Thank you very much bpladybug, I do feel welcome!

[jaxken5001]

Damn you came to the right place everyone of us is one bad day away from the funny jacket that makes you hug yourself. if your lucky you get to wear the helmet as well so you wont lick the windows. With all due respect and I mean this in the most honest way. Maybe your child is in good hands till you can get the help you need. I mean look you just in your last few post admitted to a small thougths of sucide and your hubby might be on the borderline himself Im sure from all the stress . Why nott ake this time to get the mental help you need if not for yoursef then do it for your son. Fire one of the lawyers this will save you some money to get the help. Good luck and GOD bless you and your family.

[mompcork]

Damn you came to the right place everyone of us is one bad day away from the funny jacket that makes you hug yourself. if your lucky you get to wear the helmet as well so you wont lick the windows. With all due respect and I mean this in the most honest way. Maybe your child is in good hands till you can get the help you need. I mean look you just in your last few post admitted to a small thougths of sucide and your hubby might be on the borderline himself Im sure from all the stress . Why nott ake this time to get the mental help you need if not for yoursef then do it for your son. Fire one of the lawyers this will save you some money to get the help. Good luck and GOD bless you and your family.

Thank you Jaxken.

Edit: Actually I don't thank you. I'd have less to be depressed about it if my son was at home with me. I also did not appreciate you capitalizing GOD like I should believe in him.

[jaxken5001]

Mompcork,

Im sorry you dont like the idea of God but nevertheless some of us do !!! You seem to harbor some hatred toward things that should not really matter. If I offended you I am sorry. But to try and be politically correct I wont. By the way you sure have a very pretty pic on your profile if this is you.

[mompcork]

Mompcork,

Im sorry you dont like the idea of God but nevertheless some of us do !!! You seem to harbor some hatred toward things that should not really matter. If I offended you I am sorry. But to try and be politically correct I wont. By the way you sure have a very pretty pic on your profile if this is you.

Alright, Jaxken, we'll agree to disagree. Thank you for the compliment, yes that is me.

[dedoubt]

Hi-- I just joined too, but I want to tell you how sorry I am for all of your pain. I don't think I would survive losing one of my children. I'm sure the state will see sense and get your other son back to you, and you can begin healing. Be well, or as well as you can be.

As for the Ativan making you jittery-- I haven't had that problem when I've taken it, but with the number of meds you are on, it could be reacting with something else. Steroids make me jittery like hell, so maybe it's that?

[mompcork]

Hi-- I just joined too, but I want to tell you how sorry I am for all of your pain. I don't think I would survive losing one of my children. I'm sure the state will see sense and get your other son back to you, and you can begin healing. Be well, or as well as you can be.

As for the Ativan making you jittery-- I haven't had that problem when I've taken it, but with the number of meds you are on, it could be reacting with something else. Steroids make me jittery like hell, so maybe it's that?

You know what, I meant Abilify in that post. Thank you very much dedoubt.

[dedoubt]

You know what, I meant Abilify in that post. Thank you very much dedoubt.

Ah, Abilify. I can't remember being jittery with that, but it DID give me GIGANTIC cravings for carbs. I worked at a bakery and brought home cookies every day and would wake up in the middle of the night, every night, and gorge on cookies, then fall back asleep. I had to keep them next to my bed or I would have a panic attack. It sucked.

[mompcork]

wow mompcork, that is quite an amazing story. you have so much going on. i dont even know what to say, so i will just leave my own thoughts at the fact that i am listening, and will be here if you need to continue to talk.

as for CB, welcome

i do hope you find some relief here. going through so much stress and trials in your life, does sure put pressure on your mental health. i hope, and im sure, you will find this place comforting and that the people here can give you advice, and tons of hope.

Thank you McKey, we just found out some bad news and my husband is very angry about it. I'll fill you all in when it's not so fresh.

[mompcork]

Well, when we got home yesterday we found out that the state expects over 700 a month to pay for our son. I have no idea where they're getting this figure, we don't make money like that! And when he was home he cost much less than that!

We spoke to DSS today and they gave us the number for the treasurer dept and we'll try to work something out.

I've been trying to remember that there is always a tomorrow. And bad things will happen, but so will good things.

[jaxken5001]

I had a friend that went thru the same thing the state took his kid for an extended amont of time and they wanted him to pay support. Cant remember what they called it but the foster parent got the cash for food cloths and medical care of the kid. School supplies and things like that. I sure hope you can get something done sooner then later.

[mompcork]

I had a friend that went thru the same thing the state took his kid for an extended amont of time and they wanted him to pay support. Cant remember what they called it but the foster parent got the cash for food cloths and medical care of the kid. School supplies and things like that. I sure hope you can get something done sooner then later.

Thanks Jaxken, I'm trying to remember that it's not the end of the world and I don't have to be dramatic about it.

When I pronounce your name in my head, it's like a tongue-twister.

[jaxken5001]

Well Momp dont get all twisted with the name. What state are you located if you dont mind me asking ?

[olga]

jaxken, we encourage our members to remain anonymous as much as possible until they've gotten to know other members. If you want to know something about another member, maybe you could send them a PM. Mompcork may not feel comfortable identifying her state in a public forum.

olga

[mompcork]

jaxken, we encourage our members to remain anonymous as much as possible until they've gotten to know other members. If you want to know something about another member, maybe you could send them a PM. Mompcork may not feel comfortable identifying her state in a public forum.

olga

Yes, thank you Olga.

[jaxken5001]

Was just curious as Kentucky is a state that is known to take kids from birth parents. There is a legal battle being fought over this in many counties. judges over stepping there boundries.