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Feeling yourself disintegrate

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I'm Sallie. 

I got a diagnosis of bipolar disorder about two months ago.  I'm trying really hard to figure stuff out at this point.  Not going so well so far...

I had manic episodes from the time I was about 17, but boy did I get a lot done, so no one seemed to mind.  I started two businesses, ran a radio station, got college degrees.  I had depressions from the time I was about 19, always following the manic highs, but I was just lazy, just not trying hard enough, just antisocial, too good for everyone else, sick maybe, just so damned tired.

I started drinking after a breakup and didn't quit because it seemed to even out my days.  When I decided to quit about a year ago, I found that I was outrageously unhappy.  Went to my doctor and she handed out some Paxil.


Apparently this was a very bad idea.  I became wild.  Never, ever slept.  I knocked out a master's thesis and my doctoral qualifying exams in a matter of a couple months.  My advisor was in shock.  Then I crashed into a case of the flu so bad it knocked me out for three weeks.  I couldn't pull myself out of bed for weeks more, just wanted nothingness.  When I got up, when my Paxil was increased, I decided, hey, right NOW I have to pack up all my belongings and move to another state.  I planned incessantly.  I just had to LEAVE.  Those plans were foiled (long story) and I fell again into depression, during which I felt like death itself.  How could I be so utterly stupid?  I decided that the Paxil was making me feel weird.  Decided to quit on my own. 


I shot into space, manic.  I had no job at the time, just a grad student, but I lied my way into renting a $2500 a month luxury apartment.  Lied my way into buying a new Toyota Camry without ever test driving it, even hating the color (silver??) and with a hefty monthly payment.  Mind you, I already had a car, a fine car, owned it outright.  I put the down payment on a credit card.  Bought this, bought that, planned a trip to Las Vegas.  I was going to have a new life.  And I emptied more than half the belongings in the house I was living in at the time into a moving truck I'd rented (on a credit card, of course!) and parked the truck on some street, to wait for my move-in day.  I didn't sleep.  I was invincible.  Everyone was going to do what I wanted them to do.  My plan for a new life was flawless.

Then one night, I went to the market to buy a sandwich at the deli.  I wandered around the store, crying, lost.  I didn't know where I was, why I was there.  I called someone and talked complete nonsense.  They came to the store and found me standing next to my Camry.  I didn't know how I bought it.  Or why.  You get the idea.  I broke down in a complete crash.  All I wanted was to lay down on the pavement.  Right at that moment.  I was driven to my parents' house, curled up on the front seat, crying and shivering. 

So then I ended up in a psychiatrist's office.  Now I have a home pharmacy.  And I've been told that the Paxil shot me into rapid cycling and worsened the undiagnosed bp.  Learned that my dad was an undiagnosed bp after my family story was laid out--an obvious bp hiding in diagnoses of alcoholism, depression.

I am angry.  Embarassed.  Confused.  Frustrated.  Sad.  And terribly lonely because in the midst of all this craziness, I have managed to alienate almost everyone but my devoted family.

I don't expect anyone to care, I guess, but I'm sure in a lot of pain right now.

Glad to find other people that are okay with saying "crazy" because that's sure how I feel.


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Hi Sallie -

Welcome.  We all do care, and you've landed in a good spot.  You can be just as batshit crazy here as you need to and no one minds, they'll just gently remind you to keep taking your meds and visit your pdoc (psychiatrist).  There are lots of great people here with a tremendous amount of personal experience.  And for some good information on crazy meds, visit the sister site, crazymeds.us, where the slogan is "Crazy Meds Suck Donkey Dong."  There's a link to it at the top of this page.  And did I mention no one gives a shit if you cuss, either?  You're going to like it here.  Sorry you're feeling bad and hope things pick up for you.  Let us know how you're doing.

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