Feelings about being on medication

[snow-white]

I made this post in my mental illness Tumblr and I want to know how you feel about being on medication.

Medication was my last resort for several reasons:

• Seeing a psychiatrist meant my parents had to know
• I don't like putting things in my body if it's not necessary
• There are other treatment options that don't involve medication

I would not be able to get through school without being on medication. Everything, including my grades, was going down hill. I was having mental breakdowns around once a week and crying for no reason on a daily basis. Since being on medication, my anxiety has significantly decreased, I have been getting better sleep and I cry much less than before. But I kind of miss being depressed. Sometimes it does come back a bit because medication doesn't work all the time. I was depressed for 6+ years and I got used to it; it's part of who I am and medication isn't making it better, it's just suppressing it and covering up who I am and that bothers me. Then again, who knows where I would be if I wasn't on it at all.

[Guest]

I don't want to presume what you feel, or offend anyone. This is my personal experience with the whole MI being who I am deal.

I used to have a rep for being chaotic, promiscuous, the crazy one amongst my friends, my identity was wrapped up in this idea that was free spirited and felt with more depth than anyone I knew. Everyone has a favourite 'crazy Heather' story about me, we all used to laugh about all the fucked up stuff I did when unwell, which often looks dangerous or glamorous to other people. I only felt I had my craziness to offer, I was intense and impulsive and slutty, which many people found sort of exotic and sexy. I couldn't imagine being normal and having a normal life. I was all invested in the world I had created of my mental health, that's what made me special and different. To be honest, I personally used it as a excuse to act like an asshole a lot. Getting better on meds made me have to fess up to my own mistakes. I had to drop all the drama and intensity and oddness and relate to people as a real three dimensional person rather than the mask I had lived behind all my life.

I still am drawn to that gothy, tragic, Opheliac, mad woman in the attic character. I find that my own life (on meds) gives me a mundane, boring foundation with which to base a life on. I still feel the ecstacy and the agony, but not all the time, just on rare moments where I treasure it. It doesn't wreck my life or make me who I am any more. Being sane, responsible and 'normal' can be just as sexy, I have found!

I wouldn't trade my Lithium for the 'magical' moments I had when unwell. I'm done with that stuff. I'm not suggesting that you feel like I did when you refer to missing depression. I'd just caution anyone on making MI who they are and being afraid of sanity.

[AnneMarie]

Feelings of sorrow, dispair, worthlessness, apathy, anhedonia, numbness are are feelings and thoughts I experience when depressed. They are an experience. They are not me. They are not my personality.

Depression is something I experience. It is not who I am.

[SashaSue]

Crazy is miserable. Meds make things much less miserable. I've never really had any more complicated feelings about them than that.

[notfred]

Crazy is miserable. Meds make things much less miserable. I've never really had any more complicated feelings about them than that.

It seems like a slam dunk to me. This reminds me of a great quote:

Blanche: Jane, you wouldn't be treating me this way if I wasn't in this wheelchair!

Jane: But you are, Blanche! You are in that wheelchair!

nf

[DKnight]

I kind of know what you're saying about wanting to feel depressed sometimes. It can be somewhat of an "experience" as the things you enjoy kind of change, and you habits change.

But the fact is depression can get out of control. It did for me, I didn't want to get out of bed, I couldn't even really cry just felt numb, I usually went from the couch to the living room then back, slept so much, and didn't experience pleasure in anything at all. That's no way to live.

It sounds like you're in a decent spot. Sometimes you still feel a bit depressed, but the meds help a little bit.

[tryp]

I wonder what it is specifically about your depression that you miss. Is it just the idea that you want to be your "authentic" self, or is there some feeling or experience or consequence that you're missing? Or is it just the familiarity, the safety of an old habit? Figuring out what you specifically miss might be a good start in confronting those feelings.

For me, the person I am on medication is my authentic self. I remember starting antidepressants and being so worried that they would make me a different person, but they make me MORE able to be myself.

I do wish that I didn't need my medication, that I wasn't mentally ill. My life would be simpler. I would feel less vulnerable and more in control. But the truth is, I DO need my medication, and choosing between being on meds and suffering the way I do off meds is an easy choice for me.

Medication for psychiatric illness is more than covering up symptoms. It actually does help your brain behave more normally.

Sometimes I do miss the helplessness of depression, though. It's hard to admit that, because it makes me feel like a terrible person, but it's true. There are times when I miss that "nothing matters" feeling, because then there's no pressure. There is something comforting about the idea that I can't fall any further. But I know in my heart that I can't achieve what I want from my life if I am depressed, and that I can't really be myself and live my life with uncontrolled depression. So I take my meds and I like the person I am on meds. To be honest, if the person I am off meds is my "true self," I'd rather be someone else.

I also wonder if you are completely stable. Sometimes the times when I crave depression the most and when I most want to come off my meds is when I'm actually mildly depressed and my meds are kind of working, but not well enough. Just a thought.

[SashaSue]

Crazy is miserable. Meds make things much less miserable. I've never really had any more complicated feelings about them than that.

It seems like a slam dunk to me. This reminds me of a great quote:

Blanche: Jane, you wouldn't be treating me this way if I wasn't in this wheelchair!

Jane: But you are, Blanche! You are in that wheelchair!

nf

Such a great quote, from such a great movie.

[Guest Odetta]

I understand personally and from a 3rd person perspective. When my youngest son was diagnosed with ADHD and given medication, his personality did a 180. Gone was the gregarious, funny, passionate little boy who threw himself into the biggest hugs ever. Gone was my braveheart who was bold and courageous. I now have a quiet boy who is afraid of being on the top floor of our house by himself, who won't go outdoors as often to play with the neighbor kids. He still gives big hugs, but they are quieter. What I now understand is that this is his real personality coming out. Before it was hidden behind the effects of his condition. Looking back, I can see that sometimes when he was acting out, he was in actuality scared and trying to cover it up. The passionate tantrums he had were because he could not control himself. His behavior and performance in school has jumped from middling to gifted. As such, I have mourned the pre-med behavior that I loved, and have embraced the post-med behavior that is to his benefit.

Personally, with my own bipolar condition, I felt like a failure having to take medication, that I could not control myself on my own. I've since gotten over it, and am now thankful to feel at peace and to not stress with control issues.

The adjustment can be difficult when you've lived one way for so long, because change is uncomfortable. Discomfort does not mean the change is not beneficial.

[Guest Vapourware]

Personally I don't quite understand why anyone would want to be depressed or want to have <x> symptoms of their condition if the condition was causing them problems, but that's just my opinion.

I'm grateful for my current mix of medication because it means I'm stable and I can be myself. I'm no longer swayed by my moods and it's been such a relief. In the past I felt like a part of me was dictated by my moods and so my work output was uneven, to say the least. I don't always like being on medication though, because of the inconvenience it causes on my life. Sometimes I have to think about the timing of when to take meds so I don't get insomnia or sedated in the morning, but I've just have had to accept it.

[netsavy006]

For 7 years, I've been battling with my MI (schizoaffective disorder) and I've been trailing different medications now for all this time to see what would work and what wouldn't. I've been having symptoms on and off for a number of years and up till this year, the doctors didn't arrive at a correct diagnosis.

I would rather be on medication that helps stabilize my psychosis and mood swings, then to be manic all the time, yelling at my family for no reason, or be seeing bugs on the tables, or seeing drips from the ceilings, having outbursts, etc.

I like how my latest psychiatrist found that with my Clozaril, the blood levels were too low so he is working me up to a higher dose to upper those levels (I've been on Clozaril since January of this year and no doctor has ever told me about my levels being low and I've been on the same dosage since Jan '10).

Also, it's nice when you do get the combination right because then I feel good and I don't think too much about switching anything.

I do have a little bit of a med obsession right now, but only because it relates to my doctor wanting to increase my Clozaril and working off of Xanax (god would I love to be off of benzos after at least 3 years of being on those chronically).

So for me, the benefits of being on medications outway the mood instability and hallucinations that come from not taking medications at all. Yes, I do wish there was something that would take this illness away so I would have to be on medication, but since that does not exist, I've come to the acceptance that I will have to take medication for the rest of my life to be stable and happy.

Best of luck to everyone,

Andy.

[tamagotchi]

I have a love hate relationship with my medication.

It's hard for me to accept giving up my delightful productive hypomanias, and my colorful changeable nature. I thought all this was just part of my character and made me special and wonderful. I guess this is just part of accepting my diagnosis (it has only been a few months for me)

Since being on medication though, I have become quite fond of my lamotrigine. It is working for me... it has lifted me out of a long term depression.

[klingon001]

...

[Anna]

I've never had issues being medicated, in some ways. I mean, hell, when you wake up on the psych unit after wandering for days and can't figure out how to work the psych unit microwave.... Well, in some ways the fact that my first mania was "the big one" was a blessing. It was always clear to me that I would do WHATEVER IT TOOK to never be like that again.

I am one of the rare few who don't enjoy being hypo. It kind of feels like a runaway train, like "oh my god, who knows what is coming next..."

I went through a goth/madness/sa phase as a teen and I'm pretty sure it was related to my condition, in the sense that I was sub acute enough and smart enough to be a mess and still "cope" to a degree.

I do wrestle with the side effects of my meds. Depakote is my mood stabilzer unfortunately. It is the one that works. It stops my periods, and that, coupled with the seroquel which raises my blood sugar, coupled with my unfortunate family hx of heart disease, is NOT a good thing. I've flirted with every other mood stabilizer out there, but have finally decided to just bite it, see the cardiologist, (I can't take welchol, it fucks with my IC, I can't take statins as they, coupled with depakote, are murder on the liver) and I smoke and I don't see that changing any time soon, so it's going to be a matter of being rotor rootered out once my arteries get blocked enough, pretty much. I accept this. I'd rather die at 45 and have a life than be who I was. I really can honestly say that, these days.

I can't imagine EVER missing depression, to be honest. I would cut off one arm if it were a guarantee I'd never get depressed again. That statement makes no damn sense to me.

That being said, I don't think anyone on meds like, ENJOYS the experience. Docs aren't fun. Meds aren't fun (though necessary). Being sick is not fun. It can be a lot easier to wish/pretend that the meds and illness didn't exist.

But, to be honest, that is living in a fantasy land, which, trust me, is not where you want to live. It sounds like you are well on your way to finding that out.

It might be helpful to examine which aspects of your depression you miss, and find a way to express them. For example, the "cheap thrill" of hypomania was replaced for me with rock climbing for awhile, which was safer than hypomania (I used ropes). Etc. You can be on meds and still be your full self.

Anna

[bpladybug]

I am grateful for medication.

[SashaSue]

They will pry my seroquel out of my cold dead hands.

[Maddy]

They will pry my seroquel out of my cold dead hands.

I feel the same about Fanapt.

[saveyoursanity]

They will pry my seroquel out of my cold dead hands.

I feel the same about Fanapt.

I feel the same about Adderall.

[AnneMarie]

They will pry my seroquel out of my cold dead hands.

I feel the same about Fanapt.

I feel the same about Adderall.

I felt the same about Risperdal. Now, I think about lowering it. Today, I think about maybe eliminating it. Maybe living with the brain squirrels again for want of a lower prolactin level. Yeah. Side effects of the anti-side effect meds can be brutal. I saw my mdoc today. The med to lower prolactin is probably fucking with my blood pressure and heart rate. It is not such a good day today. I love my Risperdal.

[Anna]

I'm sorry, stacia. I know how you feel. Probably if the cardiologist comes back with bad news I am going to have to make some nasty ass decisions... Anna

[SashaSue]

They will pry my seroquel out of my cold dead hands.

I feel the same about Fanapt.

I feel the same about Adderall.

I felt the same about Risperdal. Now, I think about lowering it. Today, I think about maybe eliminating it. Maybe living with the brain squirrels again for want of a lower prolactin level. Yeah. Side effects of the anti-side effect meds can be brutal. I saw my mdoc today. The med to lower prolactin is probably fucking with my blood pressure and heart rate. It is not such a good day today. I love my Risperdal.

Is invega different enough to be worth considering, if you end up wanting a change? Or is it so similar the prolactin issue would be the same?

[AnneMarie]

I think it is similar in this regard, SashaSue.

When I get my blood pressure stable again, we may try the bromocriptine again. So, this will have some suspense for a bit. It's not even certain that the bromocriptine is the problem, which just might suck more if it's not. It just was a tough week and a rough day and so I just had a moment of whiney.

Thanks for the suggestion. And thanks to Anna, too. I'm sorry you relate so much.

[Maddy]

I'm sorry about the risperdal Stacia and Anna. That sucks.

[AnneMarie]

I'm sorry about the risperdal Stacia and Anna. That sucks.

I'm really happy Fanapt is working for you!

[Anna]

Me too (to Maddy!).

Stacia, can you drop the risp. low enough that the prolactin isn't a problem? I found at 3 mg I was lactating, but 1 mg I was not.

Also, how serious IS the issue? Granted, when I was with my SMI doc (SMI docs don't give a rat's fuck about a patient's physical issues, ever, from my experience, and I'm actually kind of MAD at him about some of my care and where my cholestorol is at right now and how he minimzied that particular issue, which is NOT minimal, in the slightest) he seemed to indicate that raised prolactin, if it's not extensive, need not be a problem. He cited that the thinning of bones would be the biggest thing? Not sure how true this is, or whatnot, and I have never heard that from another doc, but even when I was lactating on risperdal he was kind of, "eh" about it. So, you might want to research that (I have no clue, personally, that's not an issue I ever really went into and didn't stay on the risp. that long, anyway. Although I have noticed increased mania sx since stopping it so damn, that med freaking rocks, man.)

Have you tried the new two yet? Sapphris, in my experience, while it did not touch my depression in any way which is what we were trying it for so we got rid of it, was rather pleasant in tems of both managing anxiety, and brain calmness. So, it might be worth a try. There's no prolactin issue, I don't think. Don't know much about fanapt.

Hope it works out, and whine away, man, I think you're fucking entitled to at this point. I'm pretty disgusted my own damn self. When it gets to the fucking point that you are taking meds to deal with the side effects of your meds.... god, that fucking bites ass. I feel like a 90 year old woman some days when I look at my pill box.

On the plus side, first dose of liquid welchol hasn't set off any IC sx yet! Keeping my fingers crossed on that one! I have GOT to get my cholestorol down, like, stat. I didn't realize HOW bad it was until I went to PCP and really talked it out with him.... He (and I) are not happy campers right now.

Depakote, I adore you, but why, WHY must you torture me so and stop my periods, increasing the risk of heart attack? Seroquel, you know I must have you in my life like a lover, every night, but why do you raise my already shitty cholestorol? WHY? It's not like you don't KNOW that every damn member of my family on both sides has had a heart attack at some point (I'm not really kidding on this one, actually). You guys are fucking assholes, it's almost like medical domestic violence, man. Lovely the one day, fucked up as shit the next.

Oh well. At least my meds haven't sent me flowers and an apology note yet, which means I'm not psychotic. That's good.

As you may be able to tell from THIS post though, eh, I'm fucking stressed and a bit hypo. Thanks, husband's boss. Hence, MORE quel and MORE depakote. Probably leading to MORE physical shit.

God the fuck damn it.

Anna

[CrazyCatLady]

I think it takes a while for some people, me included, to get used to the idea of being on meds. I can see missing the person you once were before meds. I hate being depressed and wish I could never feel depressed again. I just want to feel normal and level, especially because I always end up mixed. I still have a bit of a hard time dealing with the fact that I will need to be on meds, most likely, forever. I know that that's just the way it is if I don't want to be crazy.

Risperdal has really saved me. It doesn't get rid of my symptoms 100% and I could go up to a higher dose, but then I increase my risk of side effects which I don't want. It keeps my psychotic symptoms at bay and makes me feel so much better.

[Zimmie]

I have a lot of internalized stigma about medication, NGL. I spent a lot of time being told that medication is only for people with ~real problems~, people who are really fucked up and are incapable of getting better on their own (and this incapability is a failing of theirs). And so I feel really guilty about it because I feel like I should be able to go at this alone, and I'm taking help I don't really need. But then I go "Fuck it, I tried to kill myself – multiple times – I have hypomanic episodes, I hallucinate – I NEED THIS MEDICATION."

But I'd be lying if I said I didn't go 'round in circles.

[who-who-who]

For me? no meds + suicidal ideation = hospitalization

[etkearne]

It has been a work in progress in accepting the fact that I need to be medicated. I mean, for one, I am a 23 year old man. I am supposed to be stable and such according to society. Also, there are always those crackpots who claim how evil medications are and after hearing enough of them, you start to wonder. Ahh...

[exl2398]

I don't think I would miss being depressed if I ever got rid of it. it saps me of my energy and my will and my desire to do something with my life.

My meds don't work, though, so I hate taking them. And I have many times thought about going off them. I have been on some form of psych meds since late 2008. I am pretty med resistant.

[Catnapper]

You sound fairly young, and I am one of the old farts around here, I'm 51. I wasn't diagnosed until I was 40, since it's only been fairly recently (within the last 10 to 15 years) that depression was talked about in the media or was in the awareness of most people. Looking back, I had my first episode of major depression in my twenties, and had a few more serious ones before I finally saw a doctor who noticed that something was wrong with me. Like you, I thought depression was just part of who I am.

I have been on meds for over ten years and will be for the rest of my life, which admittedly is likely of a lesser duration than the rest of your life. But I wish I had had meds available to me when I first got sick as I am sure it would have allowed me to have a better life, without the huge struggles that I have been through to merely survive. I'm sure I would have enjoyed living more than I have, since for several years of illness along the way I was barely existing, and not enjoying or feeling anything.

Now that I am in complete remission, I don't feel less like myself, I feel like my normal self. I am glad that there are meds available because without them I would have killed myself a long time ago.

I'm sorry you ended up with a mental illness, but I am also sure that in your lifetime huge strides in treatment will continue to be made, and better meds will become available to you. I think that once you find the right meds and are no longer depressed you probably won't want to head back to the abyss anytime soon.

[enlightened_plutonian]

OK, a couple of years ago (during a psychotic episode, probably the worst I ever had) -

I had an appointment with the pdoc I was under at the time. We somehow got into a discussion about talking trees, amongst other things I'm guessing. She was probably wanting me to shut up to be honest, but she offered me meds 'to get rid of the voices' (now I understand she wanted to try me on antipsychotics, but at the time I just thought she was talking crap and making wildly rediculous claims which had no relation whatsoever to reality). Being stupid, I laughed at the idea of meds shutting up my voices and said something along the lines of 'errm, no chance'. She then went on to say that the meds would control my thoughts (did she mean reduce the paranoia I wonder), but I continued to refuse them because I was now convinced that she just wanted to make my thought control problem (that actually causes the psychosis) much worse - I'd actually got rid of the previous pdoc because of this. So I left the appointment without any new meds, and just a shitload of hallucinations that I didn't have a clue how to get rid of and no end in sight to my horrendous paranoia I had at the time.

So it probably also didn't help that I was still convinced that I was having a bad reaction to the antidepressants I was on.

But what I really wanted to say here was that this was a massive regret not even trying the new meds. They may well have given me just as bad a reaction, but they may well have worked. But I can see now how stupid I was at the time. I don't actually want to experience the symptoms that I get when I'm bad, and I would not wish them on anybody.

Since then, the episode continued for about another 3 months. I was unable to be in public without a giant sun hat because of the paranoia (I'm just thankful it was summer). I was unable to sleep (which must have made me worse) because the voices were keeping me awake in the evenings. And, most embarrassing of all, I got into a fight with one of my visual hallucinations. And I am only summarising here. After only a couple of months, I relapsed and I was gone for about 6 months. Only in the last 11 or 12 months have I been in any kind of position to learn from the mistakes I made. But I live every day in fear because now I know what the thought control can do to me.

And it has taken me until now to decide to go back on meds to deal with the problem I have. I have decided that it is worth a try if the new pdoc tries to put me on meds when I go. But don't get me wrong. I am terribly anxious about going back on meds, but for me this is related to a situation going on in my life that I need to deal with in my own time (it has nothing to do with the meds per se).

There is nothing that I would not give any more to get rid of the permanent threat of yet another psychotic episode. If it can stop thoughts that are not even mine from finding their way into my mind, then I'd be so much better off taking it.

[creepy]

personally I think youre amazing for making that decision on your own like that. It took me a lot of years before I admitted I needed more help. And this was with lots and lots of support from family and my therapist.