Confused as hell!

[Binni]

Hi everyone, I am new to this..I have never even done a blog, but I feel I need to talk to someone who understands. I have suffered with Depression on and off for many years. But last year, my Daughter was killed. I could not deal with it and ended up in the hospital. All of a sudden my diagnosis went from clinical depression to Bipolar. I was willing to try anything, just to feel a TINY bit better. I was put on Lithium for awhile by itself and then cymbalta was added. For awhile it seemed to help, but now I am feeling TERRIBLE! I want to sleep all the time so I can stop my mind from thinking so much. I have anxiety attacks, I am so irritable its crazy! I have taken myself off the meds and ofcourse my Dr. does not agree with me. I dont think I am bipolar. I am depressed indeed..I lost my daughter and I can't think of a way to go on without her, but bipolar NO. I am now worried at what my body is going to do that I just went cold turkey off the meds. I spend most of my time now crying, or yelling at my husband for no real reason. I am not functioning well. I dont seem to care about anything anymore. Its so far from who I used to be..I just want to be me again. Who is this person lurking in my body?

Thanks for listening,

Binni

[AnneMarie]

You will be you again. It might take a little time, but it will happen if you care for yourself.

Did you just stop taking your meds today? If so, just start taking them again today. Cold turkey is not the way to stop. Much better to taper. Even better to do it with your doctor.

If you disagree with your pdoc's diagnosis, get a second opinion. Quitting meds in protest or whatever is silly and swearing off doctors does you little good. You seem to acknowledge a problem that needs treatment, so see a different psychiatrist instead of treating yourself.

FWIW, Lithium is prescribed with an antidepressant for depression all the time. Lithium also is not at all a likely cause of your anxiety.

You are you. Your body does it's thing. You have whatever disorder you have. Placing a label on it changes not a thing. Labeling you with bipolar does not make you have it, but if you do have bipolar, refusing the label changes your issues not at all. Treatment is the thing. The correct diagnosis is more apt to get you the correct treatment. For that reason, seeing another psychiatrist for a second opinion is important. Whatever is going on, you want the best treatment available specifically for it.

[olga]

Welcome to Crazyboards. I hope we can share some information and insights with you.

I agree with Stacia--if you went off your meds today, start taking them again until you can meet with the doctor and work on a plan to taper off them.

If you don't trust your doctor, get a new one.

You don't mention therapy, and my personal belief is a person in your situation would really benefit from therapy in conjunction with appropriate medications. You have suffered a terrible loss, and a therapist could help you to work through your grieving.

I'm very sorry that you lost your daughter and I hope you will stick around and get to know some of the people here. You will find a lot of sympathy and understanding, but you will also be urged to work with a psychiatrist (pdoc) and a therapist (tdoc).

olga

[mompcork]

Hi everyone, I am new to this..I have never even done a blog, but I feel I need to talk to someone who understands. I have suffered with Depression on and off for many years. But last year, my Daughter was killed. I could not deal with it and ended up in the hospital. All of a sudden my diagnosis went from clinical depression to Bipolar. I was willing to try anything, just to feel a TINY bit better. I was put on Lithium for awhile by itself and then cymbalta was added. For awhile it seemed to help, but now I am feeling TERRIBLE! I want to sleep all the time so I can stop my mind from thinking so much. I have anxiety attacks, I am so irritable its crazy! I have taken myself off the meds and ofcourse my Dr. does not agree with me. I dont think I am bipolar. I am depressed indeed..I lost my daughter and I can't think of a way to go on without her, but bipolar NO. I am now worried at what my body is going to do that I just went cold turkey off the meds. I spend most of my time now crying, or yelling at my husband for no real reason. I am not functioning well. I dont seem to care about anything anymore. Its so far from who I used to be..I just want to be me again. Who is this person lurking in my body?

Thanks for listening,

Binni

Hi Binni, I'm sorry to hear your daughter was killed. I lost my 5 year old son in August. If you wanna chat about anything, drop me a line.

[Catnapper]

It's terrible about your daughter, I can't imagine how painful that must be.

As far as meds and diagnoses and doctors, are you seeing a psychiatrist (pdoc) or a regular doctor? A pdoc is what you need if you don't have one as they're most knowledable to treat you. And as Stacia said, forget your diagnosis and concentrate on the treatment. Many people here have had their dx changed over time, see my signature below. The main thing is to focus on getting better, it is possible. Good luck to you.

[Binni]

Thank you so much Stacia. You where my first response and I found it quite a coindcidence that your name is so similiar to my Daughters name. He name was Stacy. Your right about I shouldnt have gone off my meds cold turkey, but since the process has started i am going to try and get through it and if I need help I will put myself into the hospital. I have been off the lithium now for over a week. I am feeling very full of anxiety and irritability. My mind constantly thinking thinking thinking. I miss my daughter so much. I am fixated on her. The holifdays are not helping for sure. I just feel so lonley. I never used to be like this. I was outgoing and fun, but now it seems I am all alone. Anyway, dont want to bore you, so I will just thank you again for your response and hope to hear from you again.

You will be you again. It might take a little time, but it will happen if you care for yourself.

Did you just stop taking your meds today? If so, just start taking them again today. Cold turkey is not the way to stop. Much better to taper. Even better to do it with your doctor.

If you disagree with your pdoc's diagnosis, get a second opinion. Quitting meds in protest or whatever is silly and swearing off doctors does you little good. You seem to acknowledge a problem that needs treatment, so see a different psychiatrist instead of treating yourself.

FWIW, Lithium is prescribed with an antidepressant for depression all the time. Lithium also is not at all a likely cause of your anxiety.

You are you. Your body does it's thing. You have whatever disorder you have. Placing a label on it changes not a thing. Labeling you with bipolar does not make you have it, but if you do have bipolar, refusing the label changes your issues not at all. Treatment is the thing. The correct diagnosis is more apt to get you the correct treatment. For that reason, seeing another psychiatrist for a second opinion is important. Whatever is going on, you want the best treatment available specifically for it.

[Binni]

Thanks so much for your reply. I am hoping I have not done something to myself by quiting the drugs cold turkey.I just didnt feel my Dr. was listening to me. I have been seeing a therapist but just dont feel its helping at all. She is leaving on a maternity leave, so maybe I will get one to fill in that will be more helpful. My counselor is nice, but young and pregnant with her first child. I just dont thing she understands, so do we do any work that I feel is helping me. I am going to keep trying. It seems I am losing the rest of my family as well. It just adds to the griefing. They dont know what to say to me nor do I know what to say to them. I need their help so much but they seem to be pulling away from me at a time I need them the most. It helps to have a place like this to atleast talk and get things offf my mind. I hope I get better at being able to do that. The thoughts are in my mind but hard to get out into words. s cold turkey can be horrible. its physically and mentally straining on your body and mind.

i hope we can help you here, and i know the members here will be amazingly supportive. BP or not, you are always welcome. you are dealing with so much right now. and you will get back to your old self. however, it will take time. the grieving process is a nasty one. i hope you can find relief in the near future.

but anyway, welcome to CB

[Binni]

It's terrible about your daughter, I can't imagine how painful that must be.

As far as meds and diagnoses and doctors, are you seeing a psychiatrist (pdoc) or a regular doctor? A pdoc is what you need if you don't have one as they're most knowledable to treat you. And as Stacia said, forget your diagnosis and concentrate on the treatment. Many people here have had their dx changed over time, see my signature below. The main thing is to focus on getting better, it is possible. Good luck to you.

Thanks for your kind words. Believe me, you would not want to even imagine how painful it is to lose a child for even one second. Its way too painful. It doesnt seem possible to continue on, but I keep trying to find a way for the rest of my family. I am seeing a phyciatrist for meds, a counselor for talking, a regular Dr. for health issues. So I think I am covered, its just none of them agree. I dont want to say anything bad about Kaiser, but I feel more like a number than a real person with real feelings and real issues. I am going to keep trying to get better and hope those I love are patient and try to understand more. It sure would help to be around people who understand.

[Binni]

I don't think I quite have the hang of this yet because my responses are not showing up in the right places. I hope you all can understand what it is I am trying to say. I feel so worried I am losing it. I am not doing anything. There are things I know I should be doing but just cant seem to find the energy to do any of them. I feel like such a waste of space here on this earth. Mabye, hopefully I will someday feel like I mean something to someone.

damn these feelings. I Just want my daughter back and my mind to stop thinking. Today I just layed around with so much anxiety. I took xanax for help with that and percocet for the pain in my back so I feel a little on the blank side. I will write more and hope others don't mind me trying to get started with this.

thanks so much,

Binni

[effing joe]

Welcome Binni,

I'm so sorry for your loss.

This is really a caring bunch of folks here at CB. I hope you stick around and read, post, and chat. This is a place where you can bare your soul and there are no a-holes (they made an exception in my case har har). The mods. really keep it civilized and watch out for there members. It kind of reminds me of a small town.

About the meds. Cold turkey is miserable and sometimes dangerous. I have to agree with everyone else that you should go to your prescribing doc and get a tapering plan going. You will feel better. I agree with trying therapy, also. My doc. made me go and it was one of the best things I have ever done. Everyday those folks talk with people who are going through hell. They teach coping skills. They are the greatest listeners in the world, also.

Last thing. I suggest a book called "Full Catastrophe Living". You can get it cheap used or even from the library. It has helped me with my catastophic life. The meditation is something I had always wanted to learn to do. Part of the book is learning to meditate. It has quieted my mind down quite a bit.

Take care of yourself, joe

[Binni]

Welcome Binni,

I'm so sorry for your loss.

This is really a caring bunch of folks here at CB. I hope you stick around and read, post, and chat. This is a place where you can bare your soul and there are no a-holes (they made an exception in my case har har). The mods. really keep it civilized and watch out for there members. It kind of reminds me of a small town.

About the meds. Cold turkey is miserable and sometimes dangerous. I have to agree with everyone else that you should go to your prescribing doc and get a tapering plan going. You will feel better. I agree with trying therapy, also. My doc. made me go and it was one of the best things I have ever done. Everyday those folks talk with people who are going through hell. They teach coping skills. They are the greatest listeners in the world, also.

Last thing. I suggest a book called "Full Catastrophe Living". You can get it cheap used or even from the library. It has helped me with my catastophic life. The meditation is something I had always wanted to learn to do. Part of the book is learning to meditate. It has quieted my mind down quite a bit.

Take care of yourself, joe

Thanks Joe, I am going to look up that book. I appreciate the suggestion so much.

[SashaSue]

Binni, I'm so sorry for your loss, and cannot even begin to imagine the kind of grief you've had to deal with.

That said, your having described the most problematic symptom you had whilst on meds as thinking so much, and anxiety, and your saying that the thinking, thinking, thinking, has only gotten worse since you went off of them, does make me think you might well have some bipolar stuff happening. If I were in charge of you, I'd want you to go back on the lithium, without the cymbalta, for a little while, and see how that went. I'm not, of course, in charge of you, or any semblance of a medical professional, but just saying.