Hey.

[Skitzabeth]

Hello, all.

I will say right off the bat, that I'm usually not very good at forums. I usually lurk more than I post, and then just drop off the face of the planet after a couple weeks or months.

BUT, that being said, I have just recently restarted my battle with my mental issues, and have been craving some sort of support system that will take pressure off of my lovely boyfriend, who is currently pretty much the only real support I have, and while he is amazing and wonderful about it, I know I can be a bit overwhelming for him. He is basically the only reason I have restarted this battle, which began about 8 years ago, but I took a very long hiatus from it because, well, I was young and didn't really have the capacity to try and overcome all of my issues, so I instead just chose to attempt to hide/ignore them for the past 5 years or so. He has been with me since the whole thing started (our relationship is a very long and very dramatic story), and through it all he has become my best friend, but our relationship is strained because of my craziness, and he finally put his foot down and made me talk to my parents about getting some treatment, because I was just too miserable, and he thought it was ridiculous. So, I just restarted medication and am currently searching for a therapist. And am hoping to find some people on here I can relate to, as well. I also dropped most of my classes this quarter, and am considering taking some time off.

Anyways...

I started cutting when I was 13 (am now 21). I did not step into puberty gracefully, to say the least. I just became a little dark mass of hormones and anger. There is so much I could go into about that time in my life, but since this is just an intro, I will just try to summarize the important points. I kind of grew out of the self-harm, although I still do it once in a while (as in, maybe a few times a year) when things get really bad, it's not a constant struggle like it used to be. I was hospitalized for a week when I was 14 or so for attempted suicide. Back then, though, I wasn't really interested in getting help. My parents sent me to so many therapists, and I wouldn't talk. They tried meds, but I wouldn't take them consistently, and I wouldn't discuss how they made me feel. Basically, I was just kind of a brat about it. Finally I decided that I got sick of people constantly wanting to help me, and that I was sick of being depressed, and just kind of "decided to be better". (Actually, at the time, I also thought "God" had "healed" me. I was very religious throughout my childhood, but am no longer. I mean no offense, but I don't buy into the theory that I was "healed" anymore.) I actually did fairly okay when I was 16 and 17. I was still a little off, but I remember being mostly happy. When I graduated high school, though, I was living with the boyfriend I had then, and I had some really bad psychotic episodes (also started drinking and smoking a lot of weed). I finally moved away from my hometown, but ended up at a school where I had no friends, and basically just sat by myself in a room for a year, which was a really dark time for me, and then I finally transferred to a the school I'm at now.

I have no history any traumatic events in my life, minus a lot of relationship drama with various boyfriends, and just really poor communication within my family. Whenever I try to explain my issues to anyone, including my mom, everyone wants to know "what happened" to set it off, I guess. The answer is that nothing happened. Which just makes me feel more crazy, because I feel like any "normal" person would've taken the life I've been given and flourished, because it really hasn't been bad.

My main struggles now include...

- not knowing what I want to with my life.

- deep dissatisfaction with the idea of graduating college and spending the all of my time working just to be able to survive.

- often feeling that my whole life has just been an elaborate dream.

- or feeling that I'm actually in a coma, and if I died, I'd really be waking up.

- just generally feeling very separated from "reality".

- feeling like I don't even know myself, that this isn't my life, that I don't even belong in this universe.

- knowing that all of these thoughts are crazy, and feeling insane.

- sometimes having hallucinations, seeing things, such as dark figures standing in the corner of my room, watching me, wanting me to die.

- always having no energy to do anything, even showering and eating are sometimes just too overwhelming, and I have no idea how I've managed to stay in school.

- hopelessness, that I am just stuck this way, this is who I am, and nothing is going to make it better.

- INTENSE guilt about how crazy I feel, and the burden that I am to those around me.

- lots of suicidal ideations because of all of these, although I never really want to actively kill myself, I just wish I could convince my brain to give up and stop working.

- lots of relationship drama, which I feel guilty about as well, because I love my boyfriend so much, but I often get overly sensitive and angry about things, or make impulsive decisions that hurt him, etc.

Wow. Yeah. I just wrote a lot. I will not keep going. You get the idea.

Outside of all of that, I am going to school for Web Design, which is meh. I enjoy playing music and writing, and therefore, writing music. I don't have many hobbies anymore, but I do enjoy watching movies, especially dorky science-y documentary type stuff. I'm kind of a nerd.

Oh, and my name is Beth. "Skitzabeth" has been my name online for a while now, but it has nothing to do with "schizo"phrenia. It came from mushing my name and "Skittles" together.

Anyway, I look forward to hopefully getting to know you all.

[LunaRufina]

Hi!

I saw you very very briefly in the chat earlier.

I like your name.

I think some of your issues that you have are "normal" young adult "what the fuck is going on with my life right now issues" [wait for it] BUT they are completely compounded by the fact that you're "off" as you put it and therefore have a smaller capacity to deal with them which makes them humongoid.

Some of the stuff you have going on, not "normal", obviously.

Being MI... it's not your "fault". I mean, we can guilt ourselves into a stupor but it just makes us feel like crap and increases our sense of crazy.

I've made myself crazier feeling guilty about being crazy before.

Anywho.

I hope you stick around.

This is a good place.

I've been here a WHILE.

Sometimes I hit a speed bump and don't participate as much, but I usually check my PMs and answer those so if you have any questions about anything feel free to PM me or any of the other admins or mods.

Also, I encourage you to check out chat again.

It's been a bit slow lately but I think it's going to pick up again as the new year gets closer.

[i *think* I remember that happening before, though I wouldn't bet on it]

Welcome

Luna

[olga]

Welcome to Crazyboards. I hope we can supplement the support you get from your boyfriend. Be sure to read the rules and ask for help if you need it.

olga

[Skitzabeth]

Yes, I went into chat for, like, 2 seconds just to see what it was.

I'm glad you like my name! I like yours, too.

I do understand that not knowing what I want to do with my life is "normal" for someone my age, but it doesn't feel normal, because I can't think of anything that sounds even the slightest bit appealing. I keep telling myself it's just because I'm depressed, and even things I used to like don't sound appealing.

But yeah, freaking out about the rest of my life makes me feel worse. Feeling guilty about how crazy I feel makes me feel worse. And I start freaking out about how much longer people are going to put up with me, and wondering when they're going to leave... It's bad. I know my boyfriend gets sick of reassuring me.

Thanks for the welcome. See you around.

[Skitzabeth]

Thanks, olga and Mckey.

[effing joe]

Welcome Beth,

I think you will find many people here that you will be able to relate to. This is a great place to talk about your feelings, experiences etc... I can bet you will be always be treated with respect and caring, also.

Take care, joe

[loosewiring]

Hey there!

I'm pretty new around here too, and I tend to lurk more than post, as well, but I just kind of wanted to chime in and say that you're totally not alone in the "not knowing what to do with my life" thing. I'm 23, and so I'm just now figuring out what I want to be if I decide to grow up. I just keep looking at things and kind of going "meh" or changing my mind every two weeks.

And I hear you about needing support and only really having one person to talk to...and having issues for a long time and trying to "cure" yourself of them and such. Actually, I kind of get a lot of things you're going through- so you're not alone.

Anyway. Welcome!

[Skitzabeth]

Thanks, Joe.

And thanks, loosewiring. I'm glad I'm not alone!