Wow, you guys are awesome!

[RiotousDefects]

Before the introduction thing, I'm compelled to thank the creators of this forum and the lovely people who post here. Since my diagnosis, I've seen several other forums and got the impression that the mentally ill aren't allowed to be funny, honest, or provocative. THANK GOD this forum has proven me wrong! And thank you all for existing.

Hi there, I'm sometimes riotous but mostly defective. I've suffered from depression since I was a kid, and even my obvious endeavors into self-harm as a teenager didn't get me the help I needed. Sometimes I think I was lucky to have made it to adulthood, since my parents weren't exactly helpful. The only thing that kept me going was the thought that after high school I could get the hell out of my hick town, and whatever life I found would be better than the one I had. Well, that and the fact that I wasn't *always* depressed. I didn't get depressed again until my sophomore year of college: I returned to cutting and crying. When I thought I couldn't take it anymore, I went to my school's mental health clinic but the therapist just suggested I join some kind of support group. Looking back, I probably wasn't very forthcoming about the severity of my symptoms...I was ashamed. I didn't join that support group, since I couldn't bear to be around people at the time, but somehow I made it through that winter and got better. Much better. I studied in London the next fall and got completely out of control - I had the time of my life going out every night, barely sleeping, and maxing out several credit cards. The depression when I got back to the States was pretty epic, and it took me five years to pay off those credit cards.

Etcetera, etcetera, years passed; I somehow completed grad school and got a decent job, but the depression kept coming back. One therapist told me it was just grief over the death of my favorite relative. After that episode ended, things were fine for a while, but then things got a bit weird. I was more outgoing and promiscuous than ever before, but I was also moody, irritable and generally unhappy. At any given moment I was either angry at the world or consumed with self-loathing, though I didn't even register the anger as a problem - I just wanted to not hate myself. I went to a psychiatrist hoping to get some antidepressants to help with my occasional bouts of depression, but instead he told me I had bipolar disorder and probably needed a mood stabilizer instead of antidepressants. I thanked him for his time and I never went back because I felt fine and had no intention of becoming a robot just to fix the sadness I felt every now and then.

Since then, I've weathered several more episodes of depression so bad that for months I didn't leave my room except to go to work. I've learned to cope with my depression; fortunately I've been able to curb my cutting and suicidal instincts. But a few months ago, I realized that I can't cope with my other moods. I have panic attacks, anxiety that interferes with my work and social life, and the pervasive fear that I can't control my own behavior: I drink too much, I take risks that endanger my safety, and worst of all, I've endangered the people I care about. My breaking point came when some friends wanted to go shooting at the gun range, but I decided not to go because I didn't trust myself with a firearm.

But wait, there's a happy ending! I've been seeing a new therapist and psychiatrist. They've got me on Lamictal, which I obediently take in hopes of a better life. This is the first time I've felt stable in a long time. I worry that it won't last -- because with me, it never does -- but tdoc says to "live in the now". That's good enough advice for me, I don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth.

Anyway, I hope you find my defects as riotous as I do; pleased to make your acquaintance.

[CrazyCatLady]

Hi and welcome! Sounds like you've had quite the roller coaster ride. Glad to hear that you're getting help and taking your meds. I hope you like it here, I know I sure do.

[dancesintherain]

Good to meet you! Sorry there is such mental health crap going on, but you've got good company here. I hope you find things, people, etc. helpful. I know I have.

[olga]

Welcome to Crazyboards! I'm glad to hear that you are being a compliant patient and trying the medication that your pdoc has chosen for you. If it doesn't work, there are lots more of them to help you.

Please be sure to read the rules and contact a moderator if there is something you don't understand.

olga

[weordmyndum]

Welcome!

I totally understand the damage recurrent, persistent depression can do. I too have struggled with self-harm and am amazed I'm still around. I'm glad you found us, and I hope we can help.