Not So New

[mcjimjam]

Hi everyone,

I'm not really new I've just returned and made a new account. I'm a 20 year old guy from Australia. I have been suffering from mental health issues since I was 15. Since then I haven't really been able to achieve much academically. I still haven't finished high school and don't have a job at the moment. I recently moved states with my family and have started seeing a new psychiatrist who thinks I might have bipolar disorder as oppose to normal depression. I am seeing him for free through a community mental health team. I would like to see a therapist as well but with limited funds this may not be achievable.

This possibility of bipolar disorder on the one hand scares me in that it suggests I will suffer from mental health problems for life. I know some people succeed in spite of it but so far I definitely haven't. I feel cursed. On the other hand I feel almost a surge of relief that perhaps the pattern of my life since puberty has some explanation. I feel like in looking at the time-line of my life in the context of possible bipolar I can finally see the big picture. Maybe if my doctor and I know what's happening to me it can be better treated and prepared for in the future?

I am struggling in this new town. I'm isolating myself. I'm afraid to go out and meet people. Afraid they won't like me. SURE they won't like me. I have been reclusive for a long time now. I was getting really paranoid around my friends and eventually I just couldn't take it anymore and had to stay away from them. The paranoia started a couple of years ago when I was fucked up on meth so hopefully it will one day subside since I don't do drugs anymore.

Anyway, that's probably enough about me for now. If anyone wants to know more or chat then feel free to PM me.

Cheers