hey there

[vorko]

who the hell am i? who the hell are you?

wait, no. ignore that. it's just my pmdd talking.

hello, my name is vorko (not my real name but who uses those anymore) and i am 35 years old. i have major depression, anxiety, pmdd, pstd, adhd and social anxiety. i am currently going through a huge bout of pmdd and i don't want to do it anymore. my therapist says 'do what anymore?' and that's live. and i wanted to just introduce myself but i'm blithering about how i'm feeling right at this exact moment. but why not? it doens't really matter. i know i'm slipping when i don't care about capital letters or spelling, i'm anal about that. i haven't seen my family for 11 years because i am a woman living with a woman and my mother is a psycho who likes to tell me how fucking pointless i am and how stupid i am and i couldn't do it anymore so i left from Indiana to Minnesota and i haven't been back. i tried to reach out a couple of times but after eleven years she hasn't changed and i still can't deal with it. i feel like a piece of shit, it's christmas and i can't afford to buy gas for my car let alone anything else. i have a decent job but my partner is in the same boat as me with depresson and anxiety and whatnot and she's disabled because of it so she doesn't make much money either. bills make me crazy. and her kids who are grown aren't much better, her eldest is nearly thirty and a total leech and has mental problems himself but won't seek help, and her middle son is bi-polar and won't take meds or go to therapy, although he does much better when he is. i worry about them but moreso they call and abuse her verbally and mentally and that rubs off on me. i feel very alone sometimes, a lot of times, and i can't see any hope for the future. my therapist asked me last night if i have anything good to look forward to and i thought for a long time but i said i couldn't think of anything and that made me feel worse, becuase i try not to dwell on the future, only on the present. she wants me to go back into the partial program (outpatient mental hospital type thing) but i cannot afford it at all. i'd lose my job or not have enough to survive and i'm barely making it as it is. i try for other jobs but i can't keep my head together. on top of everything else, these horrible depressions are two weeks or more out of a month, and then for a week and a half or so i'm ok, depressed and fucked up but able to sort of cope. when i'm like this i'm nervous and can't think and want to hit my head and just crawl into myself and sleep and never wake up. i'm too coward even to just kill myself, though i've thought about it. i tell her this stuff and then i tell her i don't want to die and it's true but i can't live like this anymore and i dont' have a choice. i have fibromyalgia and while it's not that bad it's not getting any better but worse, slowly. and i don't know what to do about that anymore, i can't afford lyrica becuase my insurance doesn't cover it and while i'm so grateful i do have insurance and a job i worry that i won't be able to keep either one. i'm not sick enough to be considered 'disabled' but i'm just fucked up enough to be a failure. i don't know what to do anymore. i'm so tired of it all but i keep trying. every damned day is like a war, and i'm getting tired i just want to lie down and sleep. and i know i can't, it's the only thing keeping me going is that i know i can't. i like to write and sometimes that helps but i feel so crazy and alone right now, i can't do it anymore, i just cant. but i dont know how not to.

i'm sorry i meant for this to be an introduction not me just dump;ing shit on the screen, but it's all i can do right now. i'm glad i found this place, and hi, i'm not as annying as this post shows

thanks

V

[crzybtch79]

Welcome! I am new here too and sound a lot like you. Hang in there. I am really glad I found this site.

[AnneMarie]

Hi. Welcome to CB. I'm sorry you feel like crap. It sounds like your medication isn't working. Have you talked that over with your pdoc recently? There a lot more options that you've tried.

When you get a chance, check out blogs and chat. One or the other or both appeal to quite a few of our members. Mods and Admins are here to help. If you have questions, feel free to PM any of us.

[olga]

vorko, welcome to Crazyboards.

I would like to read your post, but I just can't hack my way through big blocks of print. When you post again, could you break your posts up into paragraphs? I'm not being critical--it's just that I can't read those solid blocks.

Maybe it's my age.

I'm glad you found us and I hope we can help you in some way.

olga

[bluelikejazz]

Hey Vork,

I share the first four of your diagnoses. PMDD is a bitch to try and deal with.

I'm glad you found us, feel free to unload anytime. I get lazy with the capitals and nobody has gotten too angry with me yet

[vorko]

Hey there, everyone...

Been two months to the day I introduced myself here, and a month and a half since I had the most hellacious panic attack in my life, planned out my suicide and called 911. Spent 5 days in hospital over the Christmas holidays (this really sucks) and pretty much had a major brain dump. Since then, I've had my meds altered and am getting a sleep study, which is going to happen next week. I'm still pretty fucked up and dealing with everything, but I'm feeling a little more calm and have a clearer head. I'm hoping to hang out here more--I tend to withdraw pretty thoroughly when I'm depressed.

And to people who couldn't read the earlier post... I was having a panic attack. I don't usually write that way. Also didn't mean to not respond, it wasn't intentional. I enjoy reading the boards, I'm just not very vocal (or is that textual? I don't know.)

Thanks for making me feel less alone.

V

[Anna]

Vorko, welcome, sorry things are so hard right now hope things improve for you.....Anna