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i am owl.


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this is the third time i've written this goddamn introduction. the first time i wrote too much, the second time i deleted it all accidentally. whatever. third time's a charm. i would have given up by now, but i took one of my brother's adderall xr's to do some homework and now i'm sitting here clenching my jaw and feeling like shit and on the verge of throwing up and somehow clinging to the hope that you guys can help and entertain me.

first things first. putting my name on here would make me ashamed, so you can call me owl. or owl kid. or whiteowl. whatever floats your boat. i live in california and we have a love/hate relationship. i'm probably one of the youngest ones here, but crazy doesn't wait! i reside in california. oh, and, before you read this... i'm not this much of a drag all the time. i just wanted to get all of this off my chest. i promise i'm a good time. if you wanna just scroll down to my interests n' stuff, that's okay with me too. i wouldn't read my introduction, but i mean, that's probably cause i hate myself, so, read it if you want! okay, let's get introducin'.

my father abused me, my mom, and my brother, most times mentally, though the physical abuse increased as i got older. i was abused from when i was in kindergarten/first grade to sixth grade. my father had severe anger issues and often insulted me when i was young, giving me a terrible self-image and making me feel like i was always doing something wrong.

my entire family has gone to therapy except me - for a while i thought i was the only sane person in the house. (i was wrong; i'm the most insane.)

i was not able to connect with other kids growing up because i am a "gifted" child; my thought process is more complex and i think about much deeper things. i constantly had to dumb myself down to talk to my peers. being gifted, you can imagine almost all of the potential in the world at a young age, both the good and bad. but the bad influenced me a lot more. i was fat, and starting in fourth grade, people would call me fat, ugly, emo, one kid even called me a dyke, which hit the nail on the head, i do like girls, but that made me determined to not be gay, so his insult wouldn't be true. developed even worse self esteem. in sixth grade i became depressed, most likely due to a combination of my terrible self esteem, my parent's marriage problems, not being able to relate, and my dad hitting me. tried SI in sixth grade with a pair of kiddie scissors, which didn't work and made me feel worse.

my dad was arrested directly after my sixth grade year for punching me and cutting me and for hitting my mom with a plate. my brother said i deserved it. the policeman did not offer any condolences, he just told me i should have listened to my dad. after this me and my brother were forced to live with relatives for a little over a month. i became very very depressed. i had no appetite, no desire to do anything except sleep and play videogames. i also started becoming obsessed with "mind puzzles" i would make up for myself, such as seeing someone's hair and braiding it in my mind, or imagining a picture frame and putting a "frame" around my vision. these aren't just for fun, i have to do them. i even do them unconsciously. i lost 15 pounds that summer.

seventh grade year i took up cutting once again, largely influenced by my girlfriend at the time, who had very serious SI issues. the relationship did not end well and i once again became afraid to like girls. i also took up abusing pain medications when i got depressed. i convinced myself these lash-out times when i would cut/take pills was just to seek attention... but it wasn't. my cuts were very noticeable, but my mom never seemed to care. she was too preoccupied in her own depression. i smoked weed twice that year but each time i only got placebo high, because i didn't know how to properly get high off it.

eighth grade i smoked weed maybe once a month and i tried a cigarette once but neither helped my increasing depression whatsoever. it just made me feel even stupider. i began being obsessed with being perfect. if i did something awkward or mispronounced something or my voice cracked, i would lie awake at night thinking about what scum i was. stayed home at least twice a month because i was depressed and fatigued all the time, and i would wake up every day and feel like killing myself. i began getting body aches and frequent "headaches", though they didn't feel like regular headaches. it was the feeling i get when my brain goes into overdrive. i quit cutting for a while but took it up again because i believed it wasn't bad because my boyfriend at the time cut as well. i became frustrated with my boyfriend easily and i would hit him. the same happened with my best friend a few times. i lost a lot of my friends because i just couldn't relate to them anymore. i began to hate people and i don't know why. i got over my fear of liking girls slowly but surely. i only abused pills a couple of times that year. i took ecstasy once and it was the greatest thing i had ever experienced.

summer after eighth i did e more and pretty much stopped smoking pot. the euphoric feeling that e gives me, the serotonin chemicals rushing into my brain, it's heaven. i have no problems, i can't do anything wrong, i can be as social and open as i like with no consequences. and the best feeling was, from when it kicked in until a week later, i truly loved people. i had so much empathy and love to give to them. sadly, depression + mdma = near-instant psychological dependence. but i admit that when i'm on drugs... i do stupid things. it isn't good for my need to have a perfect brain. it makes me feel horrid that i'm so clumsy with my life on these drugs. i should stop, and i will, when i get a therapist.

that takes us to this year. my depression is the worst it's ever been. it's been 3 years since it started and i haven't once seen a therapist. worse, i'm taking accutane for my acne, the side effects of which are depression and crying spells. the depression is much the same, but i cry for no reason and it makes me feel pathetic. i see black dots clouding my vision almost every day, and i've begun having trouble doing math, because a lot of times my brain reads the numbers much differently than they appear. in addition i've started writing letters and numbers sideways or in the wrong order, and i'll only notice when i reread. it's like my brain and my hand don't cooperate anymore. i can't sleep anymore, because as soon as i'm alone in the dark, i imagine monsters in great detail that will undoubtedly crawl out from under my bed and kill me. and during the day, i still can't get away from the paranoid delusions. as soon as i think of something bad happening, i can convince myself in four seconds that that thing is going to happen to me. i have literally packed a bag of my valuables before because i thought my house would set on fire. i've thought of ways to defend myself against strangers that i pass by on the street, thinking they'll attack me. i've ended up sprinting to a class before because i thought there would be a shooting in the halls. i have so much hate for the human race. i think that we are a filthy, hateful, intolerant, hopeless people and sometimes i wish we were all just gone. i no longer have faith in the humans. as you may observe, i am extremely depersonalized. i don't like calling myself a human, and i don't like when people call me by my name. i am almost completely detached from society. i have a girlfriend, and she is my only friend, because she is just as crazy as i am, and she's the only one that truly empathizes. the thought of human interaction makes me anxious beyond belief. i avoid talking to people altogether if possible. i just can't relate, and they make me nervous. i don't understand why people want to talk to me about the weather, or the newest glee episode, or whatever. small talk in person makes me so fucking nervous. i hate myself so much, so i assume people would hate me too. i've begun tugging on my hair or wringing my hands when i'm nervous. and even if i build up the courage to talk, i get so angry at them... they're hypocrites, they're over-judgmental, and they have no problems and they should be so happy but they manufacture thir own problems! i'm getting sick just talking about it. but, yes, anyways, solely because of my girlfriend i'm trying to get a therapist. blahblah okay i'm not trying to be sappy, i actually cringed when i reread that sentence, too human. i love her in a nonhuman way. fuck, now i sound weak. what the fuck ever, interpret it as you wish.

now comes the name explanation. i first thought a lot about owls when i was high once. i decided that i respected them, a lot, for looking so wise and confident, and being so powerful. the minute i saw a barn owl, i knew that it was my spirit animal. to me, they symbolize what i wish i could be, what i strive to be. their feathers are white, which represent purity. i want a pure brain. a clean slate. they have a heart marking around their face. an animal that is born with the worldwide sign for love on its face amazed me. i felt like they were created to spread love. i wish i could love strangers. i wish i could believe that there is good in the world. whenever i need to feel calm, i imagine my transformation into an owl. i am owl. soy buho de noche. the owls are me.

i am ashamed of how long this is, but i don't have any diagnosis's yet, i can't give you a list of pills i take. i don't have anything to help me explain me except my fucked up past. so, crazyboards, i'm pleased to make your acquaintance. i'm relying on you guys not to pity me, not to console me for my past, but to entertain me, and make me feel like i belong. and please, if you've got the good in your heart that i lack, why not friend me on here? why not ask for my msn or something? i am so desperately lonely, and i'd love to chat with people like me. you, crazyboards, will follow me in my efforts to become sane. i can only hope that i can proudly announce my disease(s) and pills like you guys do sometime very soon.

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okay, i'm feeling a little better (and also nervous) now that my life story is out there for all of you to see. so, i mean, might as well move on to some lighter subjects!

when i'm not feeling like shit, i like to draw, paint, write, read, and listen to music.

i absolutely love going to concerts and raves, connecting with the music (and sometimes even the people!) is such a great experience.

my favourite bands are d.r.u.g.s., you me and everyone we know, and say anything.

my idols are craig owens, max bemis, john green, e.e. cummings, and ben jorgensen.

i like poems and books that are written for a reason. i have to connect, i have to be able to feel the author through the pages. i'm picky about books and even pickier about poems, as poems are usually about an abstract concept they're trying to make seem pretty.

miscellaneous interests include psychology, blood&gore&vore, tattoos, dying my hair, and CLOTHES. clothes and my hair make me feel a little bit confident. i love my purple hair &eclectic fashion sense.

i'm working on a portfolio for visual art, and a notebook for creative writing in an attempt to get into a prestigious art school 'round my parts. after that, it's hopefully art college, and then i'm hopefully going to get an apprenticeship at a tattoo shop! i'd love nothing more than to permanently leave my mark on people and listen to their stories for a living. i have high goals and low expectations, but my enthusiasm &dedication might just get me where i want to go. hopefully.

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Hiya,

Looks like I get to be the first to welcome you :)

I'm sorry you've had to deal with so much crap, with the abuse and the fallout from recreational drugs and the depression that sounds like it's making you pretty damn miserable at the moment. Despite that, you sound smart and creative and funny so I think with some help you'll be okay.

A therapist is a good idea, and maybe some meds if your doctor recommends it. We have blogs and chat (there's a few of us in here right now if you wanna come check it out) and various boards and everybody is pretty nice and welcoming so just jump on in.

Cya around.

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congrats! that takes the edge off of things, i was literally going back and editing that stupid introduction post every couple minutes, but now that i know it's an acceptable intro, my nerves are calm aannd i might only edit it, like, one more time.

aw, it's fine. it's in the past. i mean, what happened, happened, it's a part of me and i can't take it back, so i might as well just accept it, you know? ah yes, unfortunately the drugs are my weakness. BUT i haven't done any for three months, which, i mean, i shouldn't really be bragging about because it's just an issue of availability, but i'm optimistic that my first therapy appointment will come before someone's knocking on my door casually peddling drugs like they're girl scout cookies.

depression freaking sucks, but i mean, after a while i got used to it... once again, it's just a part of my life. it's one that i want gone reaaaaaaaaaaalllllllyyy badly, but it is just another one of my attributes, and it inspires some pretty interesting art, so i mean, i can wait a few more weeks.

i'm ridiculously excited to have found this website. EVERYONE IS FUNNY AND CRAZY AND WITTY AND SMART! i feel like doing a celebration dance. oh, and i think i'll lurk the chat and try to build up enough courage to actually contribute.

i talk too much.

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Welcome! I'm glad you found us. If you want to keep writing, you could start a blog. It's a great way to meet some of the people here.

Good luck. I hope you can get a therapist at some point to help you make sense of this crazy life.

olga

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Hi owl. I hope you find the support you need here. we are a cool bunch of people and, most importantly, we can relate to what you are going through. I hope you feel better soon. I think you said you would be seeing a therapist. that is good. stick with it and you will be ok. we're here to help you, too!

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Hello & welcome!

I have a similar history & can definitely relate to all the stuff you're going through (i.e. phys/psych abuse, drugs, LGBT stuff, SI, above-average intelligence leading to alienation from peers, physically harming friends, and on and on...). It sucks! And it's normal to feel alienated from the world & people when the ones who were supposed to defend you and look out for you were the ones hurting you. You're not weird or some sort of dingbat for feeling the way you do. And if some asshole tells you you're to blame for feeling like shit, well, they've just displayed their feeble ignorance, haven't they? :) I don't know how old you are, but I'm going to guess it's safe to assume you're in high school? High school is one hell of a rough ride, especially when you have a mountain of bullshit to deal with at home on top of it. (Talk about unfair. Blech!) You have my sympathies. Life *does* get better!

Glad to hear you are interested in therapy. As much as I may grumble and complain about it, it really does make a difference. I went from not being able to open my mouth to talk about any feelings at all....I had to color with crayons like a kid (not that I mind...I love art) to express how I felt. Now? you can't get me to shut up about it sometimes, haha. And getting all that horrid stuff out in the open is kinda like taking a massive dump. Sure, it's gross and icky, but you feel a lot better getting rid of it than keeping it pent up. It's liberating in a way that's tough to describe.

Best of luck on your journey. :)

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anodyne it's super, super awesome to have someone with the exact same shit as me. awesome! i already don't feel as alienated. (: yes, i do manage to tell myself that it isn't exactly my fault i'm like this, but i mean, it's sometimes it's just hard to tell yourself that it's not your fault you're such a pussy bitch. high school it is! but it doesn't actually suck as much as everyone says it does. it's not even that hard. but then again, i don't really have emotional attachment to much of anything anymore, so maybe it actually is bad, and i don't realize it.. hmmm.

&olga, i actually do have a blog, it's iexistbecauseidream.tumblr.com.

it's just ranty stuff, but, i mean, y'gaiz can check it out if you wanna.

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Hey, Owl!

I can relate to a lot of stuff you've gone through (except for the abuse- I'm sorry to hear about that). I've been there, pretty much, and life is getting better. The main thing for me was to get into some therapy and start on meds (which you might not even need). Also, you might not think it, but group therapy is actually pretty alright, if that's your only option (or an option at all). I went through a phase in high school where I thought I could "fix" myself, and it took me a long time to stop putting on a facade around everyone and admit I needed help- so you're doing better than me because you've already gotten to that point earlier in your life.

But yeah, I know what you mean when you talk about things like obsessing over mispronouncing something or something like that. And I, too, sit down and re-write posts and everything most of the time.

And I had purple hair a couple of weeks ago, but now it's back to its natural color- blue. tongue.gif

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Welcome, that sounds like a serious life and sx I hope you get the pdco and tdoc you deserve and that you can stop E use which is not very good for your already disturbed chemistry.

Best of luck and I hope you like it here.

Anna

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