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I am not well right now.

The whole work situation. I don't have the energy to go into it right now.

But I'm close to breakdown state.

Meds increased last Friday. Sleep was improving. But I didn't sleep at all really last night.

Therapy helping, but it's a struggle because I'm facing so much Loss. [work related. long story.]My Borderline stuff means I don't handle loss well. With all the depression stuff mixed in. It's a lot to try and hold.

Exhausted. Drained. Tearful. Angry. Frustrated. Wrung out. Desperate. Fragile. Ashamed.

I need help.

Off work sick again today.

Seeing GP again tomorrow. Not sure what she can do.

Help?

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Thanks.

I don't have a Pdoc any more. GP deals with my meds. She's great, but I'm not sure what she can prescribe. My treatment plan is minimum meds anyway.

Yikes if I get referred back to pdoc. But I wouldn't hold out any hope as it's all save money over here these days also.

GP and therapist don't communicate [GP is NHS, therapist I see privately], except via me, and stay on the same page as it were as much as possible.

I'm going to see if I can get some sleep.

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Thank you so much.

Couldn't sleep. Ended up crying so much. Frightened everyone will leave me.

Basically, the redundancy/laying off process at work has been brought forward 2 months, and that's enough to overload my stress circuits. Then yesterday I found out my main 'support' manager, who's helped me out so much the past around 6 years has been transferred to another location to cover for another manager. Just when I 'need' her the most.

But at work everyone's going through turmoil, and I'm going through it Borderline style. And it's all very ugh.

I couldn't sleep. I just hope I can sleep tonight.

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Hi ~nestling~!

It's nice to hear from you again, but I wish it wasn't because you're going through such a rough spot. I'm not exactly sure how the NHS works, but if you could get in to see a pdoc I think it would be a good thing for you. Not sleeping is a terrible thing, and the quickest way I know to get right into the abyss. I'm having tea with milk and sugar (a strange thing to do in the States!) and sending good thoughts your way. Please let us know how you're doing.

Catnapper

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Thanks.

I feel stronger and more stable today. I actually slept last night [kept some LED star fairy lights on so it wasn't dark, that really helped.]

A training group therapist once told me that I was only Borderline under stress. I am under a heck of a lot of stress right now, ergo, Borderline-ness tends to run wild from time to time.

I saw my GP a bit earlier. And she was very upbeat. And realistic. She didn't see me yesterday! BUT she acknowledged that I'd probably got a lot off my chest yesterday. Yep.

It's a delicate kind of stability though. I guess I can only be in the moment, although that's a toughie sometimes.

Back to work tomorrow morning. Helpful vibes would be welcome. Please.

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Thanks Stacia.

Apparently whenever my flatmate has recently told friends where I work, they go "Oh." *sadface* kind of thing. The 'changes' are all over the local papers, and now the TV news, even breakfast TV the other day, apparently.

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Thanks tryp, Anna, Suzie.

Made it back to work today. A whole day. Exhausted isn't the word. Something more, uh, exhausted.

Anyway.

My concentration is really out of whack. Even had trouble focusing for shelf tidying. Very little energy and motivation too.

But do I really have depression?

Or am I in denial?

And it feels shameful to me that I'm having such an intense reaction to all this due particularly to emotional traumas in my past. It feels embarrassing. In my head is this whole other world that's being re-enacted and that's pretty painful and shit. It's like a double whammy, with adult stress, and all this early and later childhood pain mangled in with it. But. It is what it is, and I'm learning to be with it.

I'm so tired.

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I'm sorry nestling. Work changes are always so hard. Of course it would bring up old issues.... For me, anyway. I always find myself ruminating on the past when going through changes, for whatever reason.

Hang in there,

Anna

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i'm sorry, nestling. i'm glad you've come to get some support. i don't understand what your situation is, but i understand that work issues are so damned good at triggering other deeper issues (too well right now as i'm struggling a bit). i hope you can do what some have already suggested and find some little ways to be kind to yourself. and come back as often as you need to. even if i don't say so, i always read what you write, and i care that you're hurting.

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My heart goes out to you nestling. I really understand. Work is a big source of anxiety for me-like suz says ya know intellectually you are doing the best you can but there is always that uncertainty factor and when things get real uncertasin it can be miserable. Its not the money thing only its the whole identity thing.

Anyways take a breather and rest-you deserve it.

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Thanks all.

I'm so relieved to hear other people also had to face past stuff with change and work stuff.

Suzie, what you say helps. It helps to know that stuff I feel, others have felt too, and been in similar situations.

Colin, you're right, it's so so ravelled up with identity.

I took a general look this morning at the likely new job description stuff in the context of me. Each of the things are responsibilities that are connected, in similar form, albeit different career, to my past 'breakdowns'. If that isn't shit, I don't know what is.

I know, in theory I 'should' be able to overcome that, and now isn't the past, yada yada. If only I could change via will power. But I know, and my therapist knows, that I can't hide all my 'issues' etc away in the attic. We all know that they leak out sooner or later.

I feel so ashamed that I'm not better.

I feel so guilty.

How can I presume to want to keep my job when many of the criteria I struggle or fail to meet? It's just plain wrong.

I feel so depressed and stuck.

This morning it became even more clear that I can't even shop in our local supermarket without feeling physically disorientated and jumpy, and people staring at me and whispering.

People keep saying 'keep positive, you're capable'. Fine, fine, I try, as far as I can. But that's only one side of the story. I can't hide from my limitations, I wish I could. Although I should be better by now blah blah blah. I try, and I come up against a bloody great brick wall of treacle, starts off soggy and I walk through it, wobbly like, then I hit the solidity. And I cry and hammer against it with frustration.

I wish I was better than this.

I should be able to try harder.

I feel so sad, and angry and low and frustrated. And at times really wanting to hurt myself, or feeling suicidal.

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I'm sorry. Do the reverse. You can't try harder than you can try. It is literally impossible. You do what you are capable of in this moment, nothing more. I have relaxed so much since allowing that little nugget into my life, overachiver that I am.

Love to you,

Anna

Edit: Weird TRIPLE post this time. Maybe you really need to hear this nestling, heh.

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A tactic I have used taking a cue from Suzie is simply to quit! dammit quit!

FUCK YOU I QUIT!

But all in your head-keep going to work-but say to yourself-ive already quit this fuckhole! I'm just showin up to have fun-and then go through the motions all the while saying to yourself-FUCK YOU ASSHOLES-ha ha i'm just collecting a paycheck for as long as you put up with me-jerkoffs!!!

Thomas Edison once said "90% of life is showing up!" So true-so often! really!

Nestling I sure don't know your particulars-finances etc-but if you can face the worst case scenario-I QUIT-FUCK YOU! Hell then your home free psychologically-They cannot torture you-literally and they can't kill you either-all they can do is fire you and once you can feel cool about quitting that ain't a problem- So fire me-GO AHEAD MAKE MY DAY! ;)

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Thank you.

I'm still struggling, really struggling. Sleep disrupted, constant state of near panic attack, exhaustion.

I do want to leave. I think it would be in my own best interests. I am thinking that resigning towards the end of next month or so would be best.

But "I can't do that!"

It feels too much of a risk. I feel so scared. And distant emotionally yet also panicky.

They're not treating me badly. But. I'm treating myself badly by trying to force myself to cope with it all, to pretend, as it were, that I can do this. Who am I fooling? Myself only, except I can see it.

But I'm frightened. These are big decisions.

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I soooo can relate to what you're going through as I'm going through the exact same thing.

My company has the exact same attitude - "whoever is still employed after we keep doing rounds of layoffs should be soooo relieved and grateful that they still have a job" - which then in turn seems to mean to them that they can treat their existing workers like pure sh$t. I've been at this company for 5 years now and have hated it from Day One. Year 4 had me in the hospital for a week and then out on disability for about 5 months. Now I'm back again and I've already told my husband that if I'm not in the next round of layoffs this upcoming May/June, that I will be quitting. I worry how we'll make it financially, but I'm just not sure I can handle it much longer.

Anyway, I too have the sleepless nights and endless anxiety from all of it.

But I do agree with colinmichaels - I have now adopted the attitude of FUCK YOU towards the powers-that-be in my workplace. I come in, do my job, try to ignore my superiors who will pick at the smallest issues, and go home. Day in and day out. It's still not easy, but in my heart, I've already left this place way behind.

At days when I can't seem to drum up that attitude, I just call in Sick. I figure the managers pick at you when you're there and they pick at you when you're not there.....what's the difference. I've always been a "good worker", all my life in every job I've had, but for some reason this place thinks I'm not quite pulling my weight. They believe in managing by making you FEAR them. Well, kiss my ass.....some day the economy WILL turn itself around, and maybe it will be THEIR turn to be laid off because of how they have treated former employees.

Okay, I'm babbling now but only because this has hit a sore spot with me.

You've got alot of supportive people, so I hope you keep venting and sharing with us. If nothing else, it will help you release some of your angst....

T

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