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Steve


Cetkat

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OMG, I can't deal with this. Steve is the dad of my best friend Jenn. My parents kicked me out because they blame me for my sister Crystal hearing voices. Obviously this is not my fault - in fact I'm the only one who is trying to help her. But it is what it is.

Steve is renting a place an hour away from my parent's place. When I got kicked out, I was there helping them move. Jenn immediately asked if I could move in. He said yes. He travels alot and often isn't here (at least he wasn't) , but when he is, it is actual hell. He was here the week of Thanksgiving, three weeks in Dec, and is now coming every weekend.

He yells and stomps around. Talks down to us and will even make up things to yell at us for that he previously was fine with. Expired food in the fridge, food still in the styrofoam containers from places, a piece of paper on the floor, a crumb on the kitchen floor, hair on the bathroom floor, a single light being on when we're not in the room, us taking our MI meds, sleeping until 10 am (he gets up at around 6 and often barges in to wake us up to ask fucking questions like why is there three jars of pickles in the fridge or where the can opener is), a single cube missing from the ice tray, taking a coaster from one room to another, more than one bottle of water open, food being gone when he goes to eat it out of the blue, keeping chicken and beef frozen in the freezer - he actually wants us to defrost the crap (even if it's only one thing for one supper) - eat it - and then go out to buy a single one to replace it rather than just buy the damn stuff as needed, keep the microwave clean even thou he often explodes things in there, answer the phone immediately regardless of what we're doing - bathroom, shower, being in another room - anything, missing a package for the previous reasons, wants Jenn to keep her phone on at work (can not) and txt him if he calls letting him know she can't talk, moving the thermostat back to 60 because of numerous talks about keeping it that way - then putting it under 60 and expects me to magically know that's how he wants it (just happened resulting in this post and followed by threating to kick me out), forgetting to change the video input from the DVD player to the regular TV on the television (which also results in him asking how to change it - EVERY TIME).

Can't think of anything else at the moment - but you get the idea. No wonder I'm going through my Xanax more quickly than before. Panic attacks, yay..

So I resort to hiding in Jenn's room, jumping and holding my breath every time I hear the building's door open or a car alarm being turned on.

Plus he likes to "surprise" us when he comes home. He either just flat out won't answer the question of when he's coming when we ask, or actually lies to fuck with our heads.

I know there's more, but I'm done talking about it - even that stresses me out. I would like responses however.. I dunno, maybe I'm a masochist or just want to know that I'm not crazy. ...at least where this is concerned.

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Honestly, if it's bothering you that much why don't you find another place to stay? Some of the examples you gave are kind of crazy but some of them are things that would really annoy the crap out of me if you were a guest in my house. And from what you've said, that's what you are - a guest. So you have to play by his rules. Just my opinion, I hope you figure out a way to make things more tenable.

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Honestly, if it's bothering you that much why don't you find another place to stay? Some of the examples you gave are kind of crazy but some of them are things that would really annoy the crap out of me if you were a guest in my house. And from what you've said, that's what you are - a guest. So you have to play by his rules. Just my opinion, I hope you figure out a way to make things more tenable.

Actually I pay rent. And these things aren't all ones that I do and are definitely not on purpose - just all around examples. It's also not so much the event but his reaction. I know I have to play by his rules, but they're always changing so it's impossible to keep up. That's the problem. Jenn and her brother Steven are on the same page as me & their actions are met with the same crap. As far as moving out, I'm looking forward to it, but it's just not feasible now.

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I really can't offer much besides you are going to have to suck this up, as a guest. I'd try leaving when he's around, at least part of the time, e.g. if on weekends, going to stay at another friend's house?

Just how much rent are you paying and if so, you could try to get a lease agreement that would at least give you some rights as far as thermostat regulation and whatnot, but I'm not really sure if the wrangling would make things worse, or better. BUt, it might stop the threats to kick you out.

That being said, homeless shelters CAN lead to independent living situations with support so for a sort period of things really sucking, you might (WITH your friend) end up in a less triggering situation, generally overall.

Do note that most IL programs are ALSO going to expect you to live by rules and keep the place clean, however.

Anna

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$400, the place costs $900. That is not the payment of just a Guest, and he doesn't treat me as such, but another one of his kids. No way at all I can get on the lease. I know I can't change things and I just have to deal. I realize this every day, as do Jenn and Steven. But that doesn't mean that it's right for Steve to terrorize everybody just to make himself feel better. It's not about the issues, those are just examples, it's about him stretching the truth and turning everything around so it's all our fault. Fixing everything above won't placate him in the least. That's what I'm getting at.

Oh, and the place *is* clean. I clean it everyday. The point I was making that it's never good enough. He'll just look for something, anything to cling to enough to give us hell. He'll say the house looks great one weekend and tear it apart the next. It's not just me and a sob story. He's violent and threatening and Jenn and I plan to get away by this fall, but sometimes you just have to suck it up and deal - I know this.

All I was looking for is a little compassion in a bad situation. But if that's too much to ask, nevermind.

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$400 a month should be enough for you to get you and your friend out if you can stand living in a smaller place.

I don't think my post was lacking in empathy, but more solution focused.

All people are saying is that there may or may not be a way to be less miserable.

Nor was I implying you guys were messy, I was stating the rules/requirements of an ILP.

Anna

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I understand that you may be doing things that could be annoying. But there are more respectful ways to mediate with a roommate. And if you are paying rent, you are not a guest. Sounds like Steve is being verbally abusive, or at the very least unreasonable and taking advantage of the situation, and it's your choice as to whether or not you stay there. $400 can get you another place. It may be crappy, but it won't have Steve there. You do not have to put up with this. Unless you choose to do so.

Also, don't use Jenn as an excuse. She makes her own choices, as well. Perhaps she'll go with you.

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Just opened my laptop to see this on the screen not sent last night.. it was meant to be. So I wasn't ignoring you Anna.

$400 a month should be enough for you to get you and your friend out if you can stand living in a smaller place.

I don't think my post was lacking in empathy, but more solution focused.

All people are saying is that there may or may not be a way to be less miserable.

I definitely could. Unfortunately my credit is shit so that's a problem.. but more importantly Steve has Jenn under his control so much that leaving in that way is not an option. I wish I could explain it more.. It's pretty complex.

I felt it was, but I am pretty emotional about it now so that's clouding my judgement. I do appreciate you all trying to find solutions.. I suppose that's what I would do in your shoes. It's just one of those nights.

Nor was I implying you guys were messy, I was stating the rules/requirements of an ILP.

Ok, I'm sorry. I misread you.

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I understand that you may be doing things that could be annoying. But there are more respectful ways to mediate with a roommate.

Yes, all I want is to just be told what to do and not do so there's no argument.. but he can't seem to handle that. The rules change by his feelings... often.

And if you are paying rent, you are not a guest.

Thank you.

Sounds like Steve is being verbally abusive, or at the very least unreasonable and taking advantage of the situation, and it's your choice as to whether or not you stay there. $400 can get you another place. It may be crappy, but it won't have Steve there. You do not have to put up with this. Unless you choose to do so.

Also, don't use Jenn as an excuse. She makes her own choices, as well. Perhaps she'll go with you.

I've done the cheap apartment thing here before when I left home at 17 and came here for school. $400 will get me a place (minus utilities). As will $600 (all inclusive). Neither of those include food or transportation. Realistically, I would probably be accepted at the first, but not the second. I get $975 each month. I need $500 done in dental work (fillings - could be put off if one wasn't close to the nerve - ie root canal) and need to see a pdoc up here and a tdoc if it can be arranged. Plus medication.

Also, these are not safe places to a different extent. The more expensive one has at least 3 murders a year, but at least is close to school - however when my roommate set fire to the kitchen and the whole building's fire alarm went off nobody cared or looked. The other.. well, lets just say I once came home to 25ish cop cars and a helicopter flying overhead and wasn't in the least surprised - I simply drove around them and went home.

So, yes, I do have options. I'm not chained down here. But they're not good ones. It's in my own best interest to wait with her and escape together later this year. I want to go back to school, not just hunker down somewhere up here. We need to find a place up here together, split the cost, and get us both to school with her car (that Steve owns.. one of the reasons why just up and leaving would be a bad idea). Public transit would be nice if it existed to any real extent.. and it's not like we could just take a cab. Getting another car is a possibility, but not feasible prior to the start of the Fall term in Aug - so what's the point of that?

I'm not using Jenn as an excuse.. just a reason. Helping her is more important to me than getting away from Steve. That's just my priorities. We've been friends since the 3rd grade. And we consider each other family. I'm not willing to leave her if I don't absolutely have to. Right now sticking by her isn't stopping my future plans either, so I don't have to make that decision to leave her for what's best for me.

I'm just bitching about how bad the situation is, that's all.

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So yeah, just got off the phone with Steve. Steven (a druggie) and I don't always get along (I wonder why? :brooding: ) and apparently he's been bitching about it to Steve - incessantly. So Steve is pissed off and I just had to placate him by telling him how great of a person he is and it was above and beyond to allow me to stay here. Also I get blamed for the electric bill being a lot (like it's always been - there's seriously something wrong with the power. Our neighbor pays 150, we pay 400.) We've had people come out, but we've yet to find the problem. But anyway, apparently it's my fault because I never leave the house whereas Steven works and Jenn goes to school (sometimes.. she's gone maybe 15hours a week now, including work) - so they're not home 100% of the time. Which means that I must be "doing something wrong." So I now have to kiss his ass because he's threatening to kick me out. I'd love to go, but obviously that's a difficult thing and I'd at least need a few weeks to set something else. Needless to say I'll be spending some money on lease applications just in case. Probably won't get anywhere with that, and I'll probably be free to remain here, but I'm seriously upset. I may even have to make him feel better by offering more money to offset the electric bill.

Yeah, just another reason to go.. I get it. I just need to hold on till Aug.. then everything will change. It's the lesser of two evils. Doesn't make me feel any better though.

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So Steve and I are gong to "talk" about the situation. Shit man.. I'm freaked out. It probably won't be that bad, but I'm the kind of person who prepares for the worst. I just want to get it over with, but the going through process is scary.

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You're welcome.

Good luck. Did he bring up "the situation" or did you? Just wondering (thinking it is you, just wondering.)

If he wrongly accuses you of stuff, just remember: He's a _ick. (of course you know that.)

Wish you the best,

-suzie

I did over the phone once I heard about this issue from Jenn. He was calmer than expected. He said that he was going to dinner and would talk about it when he came home this weekend. Now he's here and I'm just waiting. Luckily... at least I think so... Steven just relapsed on drugs so the attention will be away from me.

I think all this will work out, but I'm still freaked out.

Yeah, he's a piece of work all right..

Thanks again. :)

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Hope things work out for you cetkat. Stand your ground, and as much as possible try to be non-emotional and non-reactive, this sometimes works better and makes things work out. Remember, you are a rent payor, as much as possible, come at it from that angle. With the amount you are giving him, he probably doesn't actively WANT you to leave, regardless of what he says when he's in douchebag mode.

Hope it all goes well....

Anna

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Thanks Anna.. that's really good advice.

So far we haven't really spent enough time together to talk. He went out of town and then Jenn and I did the same. So the subject has been avoided.

However....

The bastard is fucking hitting on me. WTF!? On one hand that bodes well - the other I'm disgusted and want to knock the crap out of him. He's done it before and I completely avoided him and he got the message. So why is he pulling this shit again?! Probably because he has the upper hand at the moment. I don't know what to do. Being firm and telling him how it is to his face would only piss him off - alot. Not so much from me confronting him but him feeling embarrassed (and of course denying it) and not feeling in control. His whole life is about control and being a bully to pretty much everybody. I'm not sure how well I'm conveying this, but the shit would hit the fan. I can and will stand up for myself if he takes it any further.. but for the time being I'm just sitting around feeling uncomfortable. Fucking power struggle.

I'm really just at a loss.

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I really don't know what to say about this situation anymore except that it seems to me to be crossing the line from annoying into skeezy and dangerous.

You may need to seriously rethink your boundaries and plans, at least if you want to be happy in the present. If it's really worth holding out for the future then by all means, but to be honest, I'd personally be rather more happy in a single room with a hot plate sharing a bed with my friend, who ISN'T hitting on me than in skeezy situation with awful dad who hits on his daughters friends.

Only you can make this decision but this just plain sucks, if you ask me. I'd personally also find it rather difficult to draw boundary rules with a landlord who is simultaneously the f of a friend of mine who is struggling who is trying to get into my pants.

I don't know how you are standing it.... but if stand it you must, I suggest a full on, ferocious, "if you don't stop fucking hitting on me me and your daughter are so fucking out of here tomorrow and you'll never see us again" approach, this approach, however, backfires UNLESS you are willing to follow through on it.

What a jerk. I'm sorry you are in the situation, but you are powerless over his behaviors, only what boundary lines YOU are willing to draw and follow through on...

Anna

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I have been following this thread. I will not give advice that is not wanted. God bless you and your courage. it sounds like you have a very special freind and that is a blessing.

Not much solace but dealing with an asshole like Steve, as you are, will certainly add to your people handling skills I'm sure.

Good luck to you!

Colin

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  • 2 months later...
  • 1 month later...

People who realize they have MI are the only fricken sane people on earth, I swear to flip! Agh!

You're so strong, I couldn't deal with that. You need to get out of there, your friends can take care of themselves, they always have, and if you have your own place they'll have somewhere they can go to get away from him.

I don't feel like you are safe there.

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