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I Can't Be Alone With Guys...


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I was molested a few days before my 17th birthday by a guy I had been friendly with and then hooked up with as "practice". He was my first experience like that and I've been a less than a little uncomfortable ever since. I'm 19 now. I guess I'll give a short run-down of the situation.

  • I had another experience with a guy last year. He was super nice and it was all okay but I was anxious and I cried afterward when I left for I don't even know what reason. We don't talk anymore because he transfered. He's just irrelevant now really but I wanted to put things in perspective.
  • Then there was the kid last semester. This time I thought he was cute and I was really excited and I went a little further with him. Afterward, the whole thing felt like a blur and I only really remembered bits and pieces. I think I dissociated. And I had some sort of breakdown afterwards and cried a lot.

  • Tonight. A friend that I had a feeling was interested in me came over to watch a movie. I only knew him since last semester but I had no reason not to trust him. He's nice and fairly attractive. I was anxious during the movie and I could tell he was trying to get close to me and I just let it happen I guess even though I think I was having a minor anxiety attack. I was having some difficulty breathing and I felt like I was going to cry and I started having repetitive thoughts. They were something like: "I have no reason not to trust him but what am I doing? I'm not comfortable doing this. I'm anxious as hell. I'm having issues breathing. Why did I let it get this far? Oh my god just relax. Nothing is happening right now. Watch the movie. Oh my god but what if he tries to hook up with me? I don't know what I want. etc." Then I started to calm down a little and thought about how I have the whole rest of this movie to figure out where I want this to go. Then when the end of it came I was just like "shit...". But luckily I was awkward enough to avoid the final confrontation bit and he just went home. Of course I cried after he left, as it seems to be my signature way of dealing with things of this nature.
  • Then one of my guy acquaintances who notoriously keeps trying to get with me and everyone else, but mostly me, tried to manipulate me into going to his room and fool around and do things of that nature as "practice". This is after I explained to him why I don't usually let relationships with guys get as close to what almost just happened and tell them how I feel as soon as possible. I told him how I am just not comfortable and he said that I need practice but really that's not it. I know that's not it. I kind of just want to be like everyone else and just be okay with these things but that's too much to ask. I always think that "this time it will be good" and it never is.

Does anyone have suggestions as to what I should do? unsure.gif

And this has been a proper reminder to me that I need to make an appointment for therapy.

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Please correct me if I'm wrong, and maybe it's just the way you worded your post that makes me think this. It reads like you think that because a guy you're hanging out with indicates he wants sex, that you feel you are in some way obligated to participate. There is no reason to give in when you don't want to. Sure, guys make moves, even press the issue (women do this, too). But it doesn't mean you have to agree. If for some reason you feel like you don't have a right to say no (and then stand firm if they push), then please speak with your therapist about this to get to and resolve the underlying issues.

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I don't feel like I have to. I know I don't have to. It's just this weird thing... where I want to be comfortable doing it but I'm not. Like he's attractive enough and really nice but I don't have this pre-existing crush on him and I'm not all "eeee i'm watching a movie with ~him~ so excitedddd!!!" about it, do you know what I mean? And I feel like I'm being too close-minded by wanting to limit myself to the one person I feel that way about (whoever it may be. currently it's not a real possibility that it will happen with said person). So if this guy who I'm friends with and is pretty cute is interested in me, I don't want to be way too selective... gosh it's so hard to verbalize but I hope this makes at least some sense to you. And while I know it doesn't really matter what other people think, but it looks to other people like I'm this high and mighty bitch of a girl who no one is deserving of. Because I tell my friends what happens and they are all like- He's cute, why not go for it? And it's hard to explain to people why I act the way I do.

@dianthus: I don't constantly put myself in the situation. I am usually pretty good at detecting who is interested in me. And somewhat unfortunately for myself, there have been a lot of people recently who I don't return the feelings for. If it's at all possible that I can cut it off before getting to the ~hook-up~ point, then I do. But the first time since I was molested, I thought I might like this person and it turned out that I didn't, which I realized after the fact. I guess I was upset after because I was confused but there was really minimal anxiety with that situation. The second one I thought it was what I wanted and honestly it was the best out of my 3 experiences. However, the subconscious anxiety was an issue at the end of and after the fact.

Last night, I had no legitimate evidence to support that this guy was interested in me other than the vibes I thought I was getting. And he didn't force me into anything. It was just friendly physical contact just laying on each other, sort of. But ugh I was about to cry and had to stop myself and I don't even know why. I haven't had anxiety like that since I got my medication sorted out.

I'm working on making an appointment for therapy. I just got back to school for the new semester so I have to make a new appt time.

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Yeah, I agree with you. See I know that, but I tend to be a selfless person. But I don't see myself having sex with anyone. I'm still a virgin and when I say "hook up" I mean things other than sex, just baby steps. So being alone with a guy who I know is more experienced also has me worried because I'm afraid that they think that I'm on the same level and I definitely am nowhere near that. I guess I just have to be vocal about it but most people are more okay with making out than I am. Honestly, I've just found it boring in the past but maybe it's because it's not with the right person.

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I agree with dianthus.

At the risk of sounding kind of harsh, doing this isn't being "selfless" really. Letting guys get close to you and then freaking out over it is actually kind of....selfish. Stay away completely until you can handle yourself better.

I'm not saying you have to put out, be unfriendly, or anything like that, nor am I saying that the guys pressuring you are in the right, they absoutely aren't. Nor am I saying the issues are your FAULT, they absolutely are not.

Just like my genetic tendency towards alcoholism, it wasn't my fault, it was still my responsiblity to deal with. Refusing to deal with it was not being "selfless."

This is an analogy.

Unless you are meaning selfless in the "not having a sense of self" sense, in which case I think I understand the pattern a little better, and in either case, having therapy before being in these situations again would be essential.

Anna

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I really do try to avoid it and since I have been on medication it has been a lot better. It's just that when I am alone with guys who are interested in me... that's the problem, I suppose. The reason I let this one happen is because 1. I had no valid evidence that he was interested in me and 2. I had been feeling a lot better since my medication got sorted out and hadn't had any issues of the like in a long while. You don't really know unless you try, I guess. And really no harm was done in the long run by some minor physical contact.

I spoke to him about it today and made it clear that if he is looking for a lot of physical things from me, I can't provide that and he should look elsewhere. Every thing is good. I had a minor freakout at the moment but it didn't progress mentally or physically so we are all okay here. My boundaries were not crossed too much and he was very nice about it. I just now have something to talk about in therapy. I guess this is a pretty okay way to think about it, at least I'm not mentally out of commission for days as I would be if I were not properly medicated.

Thank you all for your supportive posts. I really appreciate it. It's quite difficult to find people I'm friends with in person who can give good feedback on these situations.

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"You need the practice"

Is that the line guys are using now ?

He's such a twat. I'm friendlyish with him so I can just be like "Bro, stop that. I'm going to sleep. Goodnight." He's tough to deal with but he really just has confidence issues.

I fell for that the first time I heard it and then the guy molested me. Heaven knows I won't make that mistake again.

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