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Rosa is here...


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Hi folks,

I've had so many diagnosis over the years that I simply don't know what I am anymore. My first diagnosis was skitzo and then Biploal, Post Traumatic Stress from living 14 years with an abusive man. Now my diagnosis is Skitzo again. I missed a few inbetween. I've been in the hospital more than I can count and I'm disabled. I've been also dignosed with Polycystic Kidney Disease which will put me on dialysis probably in the next 10 years and that really gets me down. I also have a blood clotting disorder that landed me in ICU twice with blood clots the last few years. Oh, and fibro gives me hell. I have little sense of time which people find odd and I forget more than I ever learn still I try to not let illness define my life which is very hard. Sometimes I feel like a bore. I rarely leave home because I like it here and the world outside my door seems dangerous and makes me very paranoid at times. Inside I feel safe - its my own little world but even then the paranoia gets me - sometimes when i leave and come back I feel my place has been broken into and someone poisend my food or pills or something like that,

At the moment I'm dealing with a broken rib for falling over my shower chair trying to let my kitty out of the bathroom and it really hurts and is efecting me in strange ways. Noplace can I get comfortable. I suppose thats just me but it hurts and I cant really take pain pills that are opiates and everything else is out of the question because I'm on coumadine which could lead to another tummy bleed - I've had that happen twice. I was pooping blood in a large amout.

But exactly who am I? That I cant be sure of at times. I'm dont have a discociative disorder I'm just a nutter butter.

The medication list is quite a bit. I take Effexor, Invega, welbutrin and Lamactil right now which makes it hard to focus and do things but its better than being totally psychotic and suicidal. I was kept six months in the state hoslpital here in Georgia when I was 15. They would'nt let me go because I kept having halucination and delusions that were leading to suicidal thoughts and behavior.

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I've been doing alot better since I was put on Invega which is a fairly new anti- psycotic medication that has had very few side effects for me. Prolixin was terrible and where I was at I had to go in and get a shot of the stuff every month because at the time they thought I wasnt taking my meds - and they were right. I've had a hard time taking anti=psychotics because of all the side effects associated with them. Seroquil turned me into porkie the piggie - I gained 70 pounds on the stuff but really liked it because it made a lot of my symptoms dispear - not completely - I dont think anything would do that, Haldol was the first medication I was on and thats a rather nasty one, too. All I could do was sit in a chair and rock all day. I was afraid I was going to lose my son a couple times but fortunetly that never happened to me.

I'm glad to find a place that is serious yet has a sense of humor. I love the subtopics and also there is a place for everyone here.

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Welcome to CB where you will not have to leave home to play! Anna

Yeah. I'm quite excited about the site and finding one where people are more experienced and serious yet has sense of humor to it and dont mind myslf calling myself a paranoid skitzo and people have more to say than just "get help now. call your pdoc or go to the hospital" because my delusions and halucinations are not always out of control and I usually deal with my suicidal feelings rather well - although there have been multiple hospitalizations mostly caused by command voives telling me verious was to injure and kill myself.

I'm so excited I made myself a blog. Hopefully that will keep me from being banned for overposting or something like that. I've learned to mostly avoid the religion and politics talk although I have to say some things about my politics because it had a huge impact on me growing up - my dad was an activist for example with integreation and I recall laying on the floor so we couldnt be seen while the kkk burned a cross in our yard. Another time we came home and there were obsinities i wont repeat markerd on the walls in the living room, the fish were dead, the freeze open and unplugged and the chickens were all dead, too. I guess they had compassion for the goggie and let her live but not without putting pain on her that was read. lookedlike a manson crime sceen without the bodies. Losing the food really hurt us because we barely were making it at the time. Another thing that happened was I got all kinds of hell at school for being a "n*gger lover" and a commie which I couldnt help because i was raised commie. Eventually I worked with the republican on Bush SR's second election campaingn and wholeheartedly worked with an antiabortion group which I no longer recall the name of. This was more rebellion than anything, I'm not a republican anymore, though. perchance it was delusions that got me there but I changed my colours again and in college worked with the young democraps for a while before going anarchist and finnaly back to communism - well when I am delusional anyway.

Vistit my blog and let me know what you think. I ramble alot and appologize for any incherence as I am having some serious symptoms right now. The command voices are really bad and withdrawls suck. I've talked to my pdoc but he didnt do anything but prescribe seroqil to go along with my invega. I also have a stock of haldol that monte gives me when i start to get too out of sorts but I havent shared these feelings with him out of fear he will put me back in the hospital.

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