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I really dont know what to do.

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Iv never posted on a site like this but i dont know what to do with myself anymore.

Im an 18 year old girl. I have a really good life.

I dont find joy in anything. Im a bit like a robot i think.

I was like this as a teenager. I self harmed, various suicide attempts ect.

And i pulled myself out of it.

I was told i could be borderline personality disorder.

But i dont really think thats it, i mean a lot of the symptoms dont actually relate.

I cant pull myself out of it again, i dont know how.

I take my tablets. But the panic attacks are getting worst.

Im waiting for everyone to leave me.

I cant hurt myself anymore. I cant stop eating again. I wont try to do myself in again.

Which means i have nothing.

nothing to distract me.

I used to bite myself really hard so it left a bruise. I could dig my thumb into the bruise whenever I needed to be distracted.

But i cant do that anymore.

Im a student psychiatric nurse. If i cant help myself, how can i help others?

Everyone leaves in the end.

My mother says i trust too easily. That i dont take first apperences into account. But she means it in a bad way.

Shes poison. But a lovely woman. I love her.

I only actualy trust one person. But shes going to realise she hates me like always happens.

Who can love someone who doesnt love themselves?

I knows theres very little anyone can say to change my situation, but if theres anyone who gets what im saying and wanted to talk to me i think it might help. I dont really know to be honest. I just want to get through this stupidity.

thank you

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Guest Vapourware

I think it might be a really good idea to try therapy again, to work through your issues. They seem to be really impacting on your life. It's not healthy to go through life thinking people will leave you and dislike you. IMO, that's pretty faulty thinking that should be addressed sooner rather than later. The sooner you can address them, the easier it will be to process them out of your life.

You might want to look at DBT if you're borderline? DBT is probably the gold standard for helping people with borderline.

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DBT actually is effective for a lot of people regardless of whether they are borderline or not.

I would give therapy another shot. You are an adult now. You should be able to manage a different relationship with a therapist. The one you had might be a jerk, but they all aren't. Most are decent people.

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I would definitely suggest trying therapy again. It's important to keep up with that while on medication as well. Have you spoken to whoever is prescribing your medication about what is bothering you? Also what are the "tablets" for? You said you are unsure of your diagnosis, so I'm wondering what you are even being medicated for.

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It can take a few tries to find a therapist who works for you, but it sounds like you were very unlucky with the first one. Of course, sometimes we can be bent in a way that makes therapists seem lousy, so it might take a couple of visits to really know. One tends to be anxious at first and that can make things seem worse than they are. Certainly that's happened to me. But it sounds like you didn't reject this guy instantly, anyway.

Congrats on rejecting self harm. Give yourself a pat on the back for that accomplishment.

Remember that depression is like having shit colored glasses welded to your head, so things may not be as bleak as they seem. And remember that it's not really your fault, though it's your responsibility to take care of yourself as well as you are able, even if you don't feel like it. If someone is telling you this problem of yours isn't a real one, that's just BS. Don't let them dismiss you like that, or at least don't believe what they say.

What medication do they have you on?

BTW, if it amuses you, someplace I saw William Shatner (or was it satire of William Shatner?) tell a bunch of Trekkies to get a life. (Possibly in a very funny satire of Star Trek called Galaxy Quest. If you're still susceptible to humor, I recommend it. A real hoot. Best treatment of aliens I've ever seen. And enjoying it doesn't make you a Trekkie. Maybe watch it with this person you trust?)

BTW, there are trustworthy people out there. Insist that anyone you make commitments to must be trustworthy. Not necessarily the ones who seem trustworthy at first. If you insist on people like that, you don't have to feel like a chump when you're trustworthy in return. I'd go so far as to say that most people are trustworthy, though of course there are plenty who are not.

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