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ouchi - ran out of Lortab and depressed and withdrawing


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Ok. I feel like a waste of bandwith. My processor seems that its shut down and my memory has taken on a wackiness that I have a hard time believing my own past - or what I recall of it anyway since most of my childhood is an utter blank besides the bad things that happened to me - repeated rape in marriage by my ex, physical abuse and emotional abuse or rather my mom withdrawing from me and not being emotionally there for me most of my life. We have a good relationship now, tho. The gaps leave me without an understanding of myself. I feel like I dont know who or what I am - I feel like a housefly that needs to be swatted with a flyswater, or a roach = sometimes though I feel like a hornet and anyone that is around me gets stung. Thats why I dont have any friends but my son and boyfriend. I drive people away and withdraw. I'll even make problems in my relationships because I feel I dont deserve them - make myself out to be nutter than I am - its very self destructive,

I also know I am dying but my drs say no - I've got some time left and I'm not going into kidney failure yet. I have a hard time believing them, tho. My dad's failed when he was about my age. He protected me from my Mother quite a bit and now he is gone - he died in January of 1998 after having a good long life with a transplant - longer than anyone thought he would make it. At first the drs gave him 6 months.

Happy is something I almost dont understand anymore. I've never really had any energy to do things. So tired and flat feeling and right now I am detoxing from opiates and that is dragging me down. I went to my doc friday because I was having obsessive suicidal thoughts - thats eased up some now although I keep kicking myself for not doing the lest year of the RN program because I feel that if I was an RN these drs would listen to me more and my thoughts about the meds. I just put myself back on lamictal since it treats pain and had some improvement in my mood because of that. I asked to be put back on it but he said no. I have a stash of them from when I was not taking my meds. That time I nearly hung myself. I almost had my head in a noose when my boyfriend came into the bathroom and caught me. I really think I would have done it. I still feel the feelings of hurting myself, tho right now even tho he put me back on the seroquil to help me through opiate withdrawls.

Gosh I am ranting so much but I feel things have to be said. My boyfriend doesnt really understand it but he worked for a long time at a group home. he's seen people in the shape where they needed to be medicated by force so he understands it that way - from the outside and didnt freak when he showed up at the hospital last time and they had me in restrains because I had tried to choke myself. Just need to talk I guess. I dont have a therepist because medicare and medicaid wont pay for it and I usually see a nurse practioner.

Money problems are horrible. Me and my boyfriend and son are living off of my 760 social security check and my son's 300 in child support but that will be history - the child support at the end of the school year. This stresses me out and I have nightmares about being homeless again and having to live in the shelter system like I did while waiting on disabilty. My boyfriend is trying to find a job but has a hard time because he has been fired from so many jobs now. If I wasnt in - lets call it "low income housing" I'd still be homeless. I lucked into that one if you want to call it that. There is so much crime in the getto and constantly I am afraid.

Right now I could care less tho if someone shot me - I'd be dead or in the hospital where I belong - I think - at the moment but want go because it scares me that they might keep me a long time or put me back in the state hospital where my last stay was 16 months. At loeast if I was in ICU again I wouldnt feel this pain inside me because they would drug me up like before. I fantisize about being drugged up. I really do. I drugged myself untill the doc stopped giving me Lortab for my back and leg pain (sciatica). I just want to be numb and not feel anything - sleep the sleep of the dead. Be unconcious. At least the seroquil did that while I was going throgh the worst of the withdrawl hell but now I'm stuck in pergatory.

enough ranting.

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This is how I feel rights now. Its lyrics from Alanis Morissette song Ironic -

Hey yiah yiah

Yiah yea yea

Hey yiah

An old man turned ninety-eight

He won the lottery and died the next day

It's a black fly in your Chardonnay

It's a death row pardon two minutes too late

Isn't it ironic

Don't you think?

It's like rain on your weddin' day

It's a free ride when you've already paid

It's the good advice that you just didn't take

And who would've thought, it figures

Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly

He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye

He waited his whole damn life to take that flight

And as the plane crashed down he thought

Well, isn't this nice

And isn't it ironic

Don't you think?

It's like rain on your weddin' day

It's a free ride when you've already paid

It's the good advice that you just didn't take

And who would've thought, it figures

[. From: http://www.elyrics.n...nic-lyrics.html .]

Well life has a funny way of sneakin' up on you

When you think everything's okay and everything's goin' right, right

And life has a funny way nobody helpin' you out when

You think everyhing's gone wrong and everything blows up

In your face

A traffic jam when you're already late

A no smoking sign on your cigarette break

It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife

It's meetin' the man of my dreams

And then meetin' his beautiful wife, umm

And isn't it ironic

Don't you think?

A little too ironic

And yeah, I really do think

It's like rain on your weddin' day

It's a free ride when you've already paid

It's the good advice that you just didn't take

And who would've thought, it figures

And well, life has a funny way of sneaking up on you

And life has a funny, funny way of helpin' you out

Helpin' you out

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rosarx, I wanted you to know that I read your post. I've been trying to think of something encouraging to write to you, but I'm afraid I'm coming up empty.

I hope your boyfriend finds a job so your financial pressures aren't so terrible.

Why is your child's support ending? Is he 18? Just curious.

olga

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Yeah - he's 18 but a year behind in school and they pay untill he gets out of high school which is the end of his medicaid and foodstamps too. I really dont know what we are going to do. I dont want to move back into my mom's house - which on paper is mine but I cant just throw her out of the place she's lived for over 50 years. Well actually 76 years! her parents lived in the same house and it was given to me when my dad died.

Thanx for the reply.

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I'm with everyone else in being sorry things are so hard for you right now, and hoping they get better soon.

That song, however, is a pet peeve of mine, as none of the situations in it relate in any way to the actual definition of irony. http://www.isitironi...-morissette.htm

about that - dictionary.com gives this as one of the definitions of irony:

an outcome of events contrary to what was, or might have been, expected.

This seems to me to fit very well : man won the lottery and died the next day is not an expected outcome

Or the man and his first flight going down - or rain on your wedding day (which has a bouble meaning I dont know how to express)

the example given on the site is being seated next to your ex at a dinner party.

There seem to be quite a few different uses of the word actually

Anyway - the lyrics are a lot how I feel. Divorced my ex - we were dirt poor and then he inherited 280,000 from an uncle that left it to him because he hated the rest of the family. Or my dad being hospitalized on Onocology and at the same time me working clinicals there - he died.

No smoking sighn on your cig break - i feel that one - they recently had the hospital go to totally no smoking so now you have to go all the way out and stand on the sidewalk to smoke - no more smoking areas and patients cant leave the propert to smoke like that.

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I am sorry things are so tough right now. When the detox is over, they should improve. That is a hard step for anyone. I'm not big on self-prescribing partly because when you run out, you're SOL. Better to change docs if you can.

Have to say I agree that the Alanis song isn't about irony, or at least irony of any sophistication. Irony is usually stating the opposite of what is as sarcasm or to entertain. ("The commuter rail is so fast." [2mph]) It can be about the opposite happening than what was expected, but the two events need to be related. That it rains on a day you hoped for sun isn't irony. It is the uncontrollability of the weather. That a sign exists with the word smoking on it has nothing to do with a work break. A bug in your drink isn't irony. It's just a bug in your drink, bad luck, icky, a waste of wine.

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I empathize and am sorry you are in such a tough spot. I can only echo the sage words of Stacia, "I'm not big on self-prescribing partly because when you run out, you're SOL. Better to change docs if you can."

IF, big if, I remember any of my undergrad philosophy there are at least three types of irony: verbal, dramatic and situational. I am not so sure that pop song meets any of the traditional types and meanings of irony. But if it provides comfort to the OP who can argue with that?

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IF, big if, I remember any of my undergrad philosophy there are at least three types of irony: verbal, dramatic and situational. I am not so sure that pop song meets any of the traditional types and meanings of irony. But if it provides comfort to the OP who can argue with that?

Good point. I certainly can't. I just think that it is ironic that a song named Ironic isn't really about irony, or hey, maybe that is the real intended irony.

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And as the plane crashed down he thought

Well, isn't this nice

That is literary irony.

1. the use of words to convey a meaning that is the opposite of its literal meaning: the irony of her reply, “How nice!” when I said I had to work all weekend.

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And as the plane crashed down he thought

Well, isn't this nice

That is literary irony.

1. the use of words to convey a meaning that is the opposite of its literal meaning: the irony of her reply, “How nice!” when I said I had to work all weekend.

You are right. That one is irony.

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