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I am so bloody sick of this goddamn illness. Medication doesn't help what I'm going through now. Friends and family don't understand. I just feel absolutely helpless right now. Not suicidal or anything....but I just can't help self destructing. With booze, gambling, more booze. Why can't I self destruct with lots and lots of sex???

As it is, it's late, ready to go to bed. I'll probably revise this later when I'm not so tired or frustrated. I just want the smallest bit of lasting happiness in my freaking life. Is it too much to ask?

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Please get some help with the ETOH and gambling issues. Meds may not be working yet but you gotta get this other stuff under control and go through PAWS, possibly, for 6 months or so before meds really kick in.

Where can you go and get some help? Seriously, gambling addictions scare the shit out of me, I work right by the indican casino at my job and I HATE gambling addicgtions. You cannot escape your own adrenaline, and it causes so much damage to your life. And the booze ain't helping.

Who and what can help you? Are you willing to do inpt our outpt SA tx at this point?

Anna

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Guest Vapourware

It sounds like you have a lot happening at the moment, but I agree with Anna that you need to work on the booze and the gambling as soon as you can. You shouldn't be self-destructing, it's hurtful to both yourself and everyone around you. It does suck to be in that state but you can be pulled out of it. It may take a lot of time and work but you can stabilise and you can find happiness.

Are you willing to go through some programs to help you break your gambling and booze problems? I think that would be one of the first steps to help you stabilise. If the medication isn't working, you need to talk to your pdoc about tweaking your medication. Remember, your doctor works for you in improving your quality of life.

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And by "sober"...I really mean, I haven't gotten drunk. It's so hard stopping. Drinking is one of the few things that actually helps with paranoia. Drinking and smoking. Keeps my mind off of things, but admittedly the past few weeks has been pretty bad. It's also been one of the main ways for me to meet people/socialize in this town for the past few years. I just started school again, so hopefully that will help me find other circles to run with and keep me otherwise occupied.

Everything has just been wrong for so long, that it's difficult to find alternatives for the bad habits I've created for myself. More than that, it's been even more difficult to find some positivity and direction in my life. I think I'm on the way to finding something good again, but this transition period has taken a lot out of me.

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