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i dream in technicolor

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hello! i'm new here. thought i'd make a proper introduction.

my dearest friend sent me a link here and i thought i'd join and be active, so, here's my starting pitch, as it were.

i am almost 20 years of age, and you may call me azul, and as of right now?

i am diagnosed with 'mixed'(?) bipolar and suspect i may have borderline personality disorder. it may be borderline more than it is bipolar, as i know myself better than anyone else does. i've suffered from SI, and i've made a lot of mistakes either with mania or otherwise, a lot of really crappy decisions, but i'm ready to move on from them, and i'm ready to start the process of forgiving myself in order to start a new and better life as a new and better young woman. oh, yes.

my life has been rather hard what with being sheltered until i was twelve, and once my father passed away, dumped into the arms of a loving yet.. rather apathetic mother who let me into the world a little too late. she did what she could, but because of my smothering father who didn't allow me to make silly childhood mistakes, i made not so light teenage and adult mistakes which cost me dearly in the emotional department. i'm glad i learned, though, for what it's worth.

after my father died, i was in online relationship after relationship-- and a few real ones-- they were all brief. i left a few of them, but they all left me because they found other people, but all throughout that time i had one person who was 'there for me.' my best friend of seven years. during those seven years he was the 'greatest person ever' to me, even though he used me for money, used my mother for transport to and from school until he got his drivers' license, constantly belittled me and abused me verbally, and even abused me physically sometimes. i remember he tickled me sometimes and when i told him to stop, he never did. he pinched me, hit me, and always told me it was because i never had a big brother so he would harass me to give me the privelage. i lost one of my best friends to him because she got sick of him. she was there for the longest time and witnessed most of this. i remember she called him 'abusive' and was shocked and appalled. she even said that i seemed like an offshoot of him, his little puppet without an original thought in my head. and i was offended, but it was true. even one of my ex girlfriends said the same thing. and i remember one of my girlfriends i was dating at the time.. he presented me with an article about emotional manipulation and said 'this is what she is doing to you.' i remember thinking 'no, this seems.. more like what you're doing to me.' time passed, he moved to california, and that girl and i drifted apart and i fell in love with someone else. things with us got bad, and even worse after he moved back. with the 'bff' and i, i think it was because i was slowly developing a backbone which would have allowed his control to break. but ultimately, and i regret this every day, i chose him over her. when she asked why, i said that he .. was my best friend, he takes precedence. he bullied me into saying that.

so, she left. time passed, i got off my meds at his request in order to medicate myself with him on the couch with a bag of cheetos and some twinkies if you get my meaning. i didn't want that, but it was him, so how could i say no? he was my BEEEST FRIIEEEND AUAUUGHH.

eventually she came back. ...

tl;dr, she helped me see what i really wanted, what i NEEDED from my life, and with that gentle push, she helped me get him out of my life for good.

she's still here, she's still by my side and i'm thankful for her every day. i'm pretty lucky to have someone like her, someone so supportive of my mental illness, and of my situation. i really am. i only wish everyone was so lucky.

so, in other words, i am bipolar or borderline or perhaps both, and recovering from an abusive friendship. sorry about rambling, guys, now you know a little bit of my life story.

i like to draw, paint, write, play videogames, cook, and .. yes. yes, i suppose that is it.

ANYWAY, i'm glad to be here, glad to be a part of the community. ~

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thanks guys! i did read all the rules, not to worry, not to worry.~ thanks for making me feel welcome. i won't let my illnesses control me anymore, and it's nice to know i've got more people who've got my back and who are here to support me, to put it in better terms.

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