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i’m only in my second semester of college. but i’m not entirely sure that i can do this. my first semester royally sucked. but somehow i made it through. this time though…it just started and i already feel overwhelmed. all i can do is lay in bed and sleep or do shit on the internet. i don’t have the energy. i don’t have the drive. i don’t have the motivation. i had considered taking some time off before i went to college, just to get all my shit together. but i didn’t want to seem like a quitter or a failure. i feel like everyone expects so much out of me. i’ve always been smart. i’ve always done well at whatever i set my mind to. so if i don’t get through college with a good gpa, and get a degree that will get me places in life, i’d just be a disappointment to my family. but i just know that i can’t do this right now. i’m not going to make it through this semester without seriously fucking up my academic career. i just need time. time to work on myself. time to figure out what i actually want out of life. time to finally stabilize my mental health. i don’t think i can do that and go to school at the same time. if i drop out, i don’t want to feel like i just gave up, like i’m a failure and a disappointment. right now, though, it just seems like the best option.

the longer i stay here, the more depressed i get. more lost and unsure and just entirely overwhelmed. i've lost track of how many "suicide attempts" i've made since coming to school. my cutting has gotten completely out of control.

i guess it doesn't matter what i do. i'm a failure either way.

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Victoria

You are not a failure. You have shit in the way of doing well right now. I never got help until the year before I graduated and I totally wish I had. It made all the difference. I had a notetaker, got to take tests separately, more time for tests, even extra time for assignments (sometimes you need a dr's note) and was able to withdraw from classes instead of failing them. Check out disability accommodations for your school. It will be worth it.. Your instructors don't need to know what your issue is, you will just have to take a letter to them (at least that's usually how it goes) saying these are the accommodations requested and they will sign it saying yes or they want to meet with your disability counsellor or something.

It took awhile, but I got through school. You can too. Would you believe that I went from a failing average in university to a 99% in the last year since I've been (what I call) recovered? Yes you can. It can get better and it's okay if that time is not now, but look into accommodations. They really helped.

Edited because I think it's rude that I didn't sign my post lol and then to fix code

Dawn

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I'm not trying to tell you what to do but taking a break until you can get your head on straight may not be such a bad idea. You don't want to wrack up $XXX, XXX in debt and fail all of your classes, do you? I am just speaking from personal experience here. If it is not that bad and you can make it through then by all means, I am not trying to stop you from doing so. I just hate to see anyone make the same mistakes that I did and then end up with all this debt and then no degree to show for it. I hope you are able to make a sound decision. Do you have a tdoc or parents you can talk to about this?

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this is my first post...

it breaks my heart that you say you are a failure...

you must of done something 'right' to get into college? ;)

as a high school teacher (and i barely got out of high school) i know that it takes work to get into uni. no bs. that is a real accomplishment.

have you seeked out help from school, like a counselor or something? i know at my school they are very flexible about taking time off when someone is not well. it sounds like you may need a break to get things sorted out. totally ok in my book. i took an extra year and a half to finish college. i had a classmate that was in his 70's. guy was awesome. my point is, try not to pressure yourself.

depression kicks your ass. i know that unfortunately. don't get mad at me, but you are very young too. just at the beginning of a journey.

again, i'd talk to some school officials. see what your options are. and, if you feel it's best, take off.

just curious; if you were to leave school what are some of the things you'd think of doing?

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you aren't a failure. I agree with the others here that say for you to get into contact with your university's disability department and see what they can do to help you make it through your classes. and if you are unable to complete them for reasons related to your MI you could possibly get medical leave of absence, and possibly use that to protect your status as a student and any scholarships.

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I had to "take a break" because I was really depressed. I failed a remedial math class because I had to go to the hospital towards the end of the semester because I was suicidal. Now that I'm on my "break"- and I put that in quotations because I don't know if I'm going back, I'm pretty scared- I feel a lot better. When I do get depressed, at least there's not this extra pressure and deadlines. So maybe, in all, it wasn't for me. There's plenty of people here with worse problems than mine that can do it, but for some reason, I wasn't able to handle the pressure.

I don't know where I'm going with this, just that you aren't alone and I've been there. It's a really hard fucking thing to do when you're depressed as shit. So I understand. If you feel like the best thing for you to do is to take a break, then you probably should. Had I known then what I know now. . . heh. But if you don't feel like you can handle it well, then give yourself some time. You aren't a failure or a quitter. You're just doing what's best for YOU. If you think that taking a break would make you feel better, then do it. If you think it's just going to make you feel worse, then maybe you could do something else. If you are going full-time, maybe you could take less classes for now?

Good luck, I hope that you find something that makes you feel better. Do whatever you think is best. Sorry if I wasn't very helpful.

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  • 1 month later...

I had depression in college. Eventually I failed and dropped out to go to a different college where I live so I can have better access to medical treatment if I need it. I had other (good) reasons besides just that for leaving, but I don't know what else to do about depression if it gets severe enough to effect performance. I didn't want to get treatment for it until it already severely effected by performance in college. Maybe you should schedule to see a shrink in the summer if you aren't taking classes then or sooner if you can squeeze it in.

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My first quarter in college was really tough for me too. I don't know how much time off you think you need but it is possible that you could just take a break. If you have a disability office you could probably talk to them about a hardship withdrawal or a year off. Something like that. I took my second quarter off in college just because I was a fucking mess. I've had to do it more than once in the past two and a half years. And the people in the disability office have been really understanding. They don't think I'm just being a slacker/failure. And like everyone else is saying i definitely don't think you're a failure. Figuring out what we want to do in life takes awhile. And you don't really even have to know about that right now. Most college students don't. And I would daresay that the majority of college grads end up switching careers or doing something that was different than they planned. And hell even if you do drop out who really cares. That doesn't make you a failure at all.

Things will improve for you. Take care

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I've really struggled with my crazy since returning to school last year. I had a depressive episode last year that forced me to withdraw for the semester. I didn't want to do so, not a bit. But in retrospect, it was absolutely the right decision. I wasn't functioning well enough to take basic care of myself, forget about showing up in class, or doing coursework. I'd have trashed my gpa, and relationships with professors, irreparably had I tried to finish the semester.

To me, it sounds like you need to take a semester off. That's not dropping out, it's not failing. It's creating time to take care of yourself, so you can accomplish all the things you want to.

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I'm someone who sought help in college, but was told basically to snap out of it. College was a very bad period of my life. I got through, I have a shiny degree. But I resent my school, I resent my parents for having made me go there, and for not seeing how sick I was until it was really too late to salvage anything. In the 80s, there was no support for mentally ill students (among which I was not counted, anyway).

I asked my parents to let me withdraw a couple of times, and they said no. Then my senior year, all of the sudden they realized something was wrong, and told me I could withdraw for my last semester, and go back. Um yeah, like I wanted to stretch out my horrible college experience even longer? No.

I had a 2.17 GPA. I was at an Ivy, so no, this was not the GPA I had expected when I entered as a freshman. I hated my school so much. My mood was so bad, I never had a chance to enjoy college, although I am not one of those people who thinks it should be "the best time of your life."

Take the semester off, and stabilize. If you are used to being a high achiever, I can tell you from experience, it is really hard to do well when you can't get out of bed, or your concentration is extremely poor, and you have two 15 page papers due next week. And then when I got the grade that I deserved (it isn't fair I was sick, but I didn't do the work), I would feel even more certain I was a loser.

The only good thing about college was my friends, who knew the crazy me, and still liked me. But that is also where I met my psycho ex, so take that with a grain of salt.

Anyway, my rambley point is that you deserve to enjoy college as best you can. You can't enjoy it right now. Give yourself some time to get better.

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I forced myself to stay in school for 2.5 years, despite the fact that I was a wreck, because I wanted to graduate with my class. I got lots of bad grades and later had to repeat several classes to get credits I needed. I don't think I even realized how bad it had become (despite spending weeks in bed, drinking beyond excess when I wasn't in bed, not going to class, and other sins) until I overheard one of my professors on the phone with the Dean of Students telling him that I was terribly depressed and she wouldn't let me back in her class until I got help. I'd actually gone to her office to drop her class (I did that a lot too), but came away with the realization that I was banging my head against a wall, and it was time to stop. I took a medical leave, went home, had a lot of therapy, got a job, and eventually did go back to school (another school) where I finished with a great record. When I think back, I regret having floundered around for all that time when I could have been working on getting my shit together. I did try a bit, but where I went to school was remote, and the pdocs up there left something to be desired. The meds in those days left something to be desired as well, though that was about to change.

The take home message here, like other posters before me have said, is that it isn't quitting or being a failure if your mental state is bad and you are taking time off to work on it. However, if you don't give yourself a break, your mental state may get worse, and your grades will almost surely suffer. It's easier to explain a leave of absence than it is to explain a transcript full of poor marks. It's also a colossal waste of money to pay for classes you may not go to and/or may not do well in, when you could take the time to fix yourself and do well in those classes later on.

Please think about it. It's not failure, it's self-preservation.

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Oh dear. You are far from being a failure. Like some of the others said, I wish I had taken some time for me and I sincerely wish I had gotten some help much earlier. I lived my mother's dream and went for a course that lived her life for her. I became what she wanted to be and couldn't. Unfortunately, that only added to my depression. I thought I could live this way my whole life only to crash and burn finally several years after my parents death. Now I'm a total wreck and out of control. I take tons of meds and try to be just human. That's all I reach for these days, living. Please, please get some help soon dear. Take it from a 53 year old who has seen it all/done it all, you really need to try to get this under control. Good luck, good karma and blessings being sent to you.

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Number one..you're not a failure. I've been through( still going through) the same thing and I'm trying figure out how to handle it all. I'm 24 years old and I have been struggling since I graduate from high school in 2005. Just get help. You are not weak for asking for help. You are actually being strong. I always had stuck in my head that I'm a weak person for asking for help but I finally called and made an appointment for help. School doesn't matter but staying alive and keeping your sanity is. You'll regret if you keep on forcing to drag your feet through to the mud until you either reach your breaking point or you just break your own spirit. Take a breather. School is tough and requires you to have a clear mind. If you have severe or chronic depression it's almost impossible. So I cannot stress enough GET HELP!

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I know exactly how you feel. I'm bipolar and last September I hit a major depressive period and ended up royally screwing myself over school wise. When my depressive period ended I thought I'd be ok to go back this semester but now I find myself back in the same place I was then. It's REALLY hard keeping up with college work and having a mental illness. You're not alone.

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