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BPD? What the hell wrong with me?


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I've suspected myself of having BPD for a little while now. my dearest friend suspected me having it, and I'm inclined to agree with her. it seems more like me than anything else. I've examined myself top to bottom, inside and out mentally and emotionally, and I fit the bill. My tdoc does not agree with me and yelled at me for looking things up on the internet and told me to leave the work to the professionals, so to speak. :|

But..

This brings me to my point.

Last night, she and I were going to do something. She was getting ready to do one of two things, and I was feeling the other, so I voiced my opinion. Not a bad thing, not at all, and she was a little disappointed, as you would be, and I've never really voiced my opinion like that before, so she was shocked, and told me her feelings ... and unlike a normal person, I reacted very strangely.

Instead of saying 'oh, whoops, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were getting ready to do this or that or the other thing and I should have been clearer earlier,' I said something along the lines of 'this is irrational, I know it is, but I want to rip out my hair and beat myself with a large stick I'm sorry this is my fault it always is I'm sorry for fucking things up all the time.'

Not half an hour later, I wanted to do the same thing she did. No ifs ands or buts about it, and screw what I wanted to do earlier. That's not.. normal. I have a history of changing to suit whoever is closest to me without even realizing it, and she noticed it right off the bat. She's the one who brought up the possibility of BPD in the first place.

It's happened throughout my entire lifetime. With my ex best friend, a whole slew of superficial friends, my mom, girlfriends, the rare boyfriend or two, it's ... the people who I deemed closest to me in the past, I projected their opinions through mine. I remember when my good, good friend left the abusive friendship that my ex best friend had her in with me, she said this about me: "There's not an original thought in her head. She's just an offshoot of you." or something akin to that to him, my ex best friend.

I was offended at the time, but now I see that it's true. I don't want that. I don't want to BE that.

What you guys have to understand is that I'm this unwavering reservoir of hope. Somebody's out of hope? I hop to and FILL THEM WITH HOPE. UNBRIDLED HOPE. but my own hope reserve is kind of running low. I see myself as this.. remnant, this little piece of something. I don't know if there ever was a me, and I'm trying desperately to find myself.

What I'm doing right now feels right, I've cut so many bad people out of my life and I'm working on bettering my mental health, and it feels so right and so good and I HOPE this is me, but at the same time I'm not sure. I'm just running out of hope and optimism. I don't know what to do. DBT is the next step. I'm going to get rid of this Tdoc that I have now. She's a good woman but she doesn't validate my concerns, she just kind of makes me feel like a stupid kid, which doesn't make me feel any better about myself at all.

I just kind of feel hollow and empty. I unloaded to my mom this morning, how I feel like I've never been me. All these kids my age know who they want to be, they have some semblance of self, they know what they are and they know who they are, and she replied with "I don't even know who I am sometimes," until I just.. told her everything. And then she sympathized. But... I don't know. This is too much. I'm hurting so much and nobody seems to understand and that sounds so cliche, but I don't even know who I am.

....

I didn't mean to just shit my soul all over this board, but yeah. That's.. how I feel. Any advice? I know where to go from here sort of, DBT, but.. I don't know what else to do. Thank you guys. :c

also: DURF. Spelling error in the title. What the hell IS wrong with me?***

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Yeah, I found one that's not too far from me, which is good. I'm ready to just step up and stop feeling like this, stop living like this. When my mom gets home from work we'll discuss this and make the appointment.

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