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I'm not even sure if this has anything to do with depression


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i'm always going to be alone. the person who i was in love with keeps fucking with my head. one moment he loves me. the next he loves some other girl. but no, he loves me too much to be with her. but he's going to go with his gut and be with her anyway. honestly? i can't take that shit anymore. i knew i should have killed myself after graduation. that was the plan. but then he had to come along and make me happy. i guess i'm just not allowed to be happy. i don't deserve to be happy. nothing all that bad has happened to me in my life, so i shouldn't feel like this! but i feel like it anyway, so might as well suffer for it. the thought of leaving my bed terrifies me. i can't go out there and face life. it's such a stupid pathetic waste of a life!! don't know why i keep wasting everyone's time. everyone leaves. sure my family is still around. but they'll realize how much of a failure and disappointment i am and leave me too. i almost wish they would. then i'd have nothing holding me back anymore. i had thought about getting better. talking to someone. cutting out a few classes to lighten the load. maybe even a hospital trip when the time permits. but i don't deserve to get better. i just deserve to die. i've lost track of how many times i've tried. i'm doing nothing with my life but sitting around crying, cutting, popping pills, fighting for dominance with the other me's that are in my head. i can't do it anymore. and i feel like no matter how much help i get, it'll never be enough.

god i just wanna die...

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sorry for all of this. don't read it if you don't want. i just needed to get that out. i wish it would have made me feel better.

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I agree with Suzie--this guy didn't deserve you. I know it feels like life isn't worth living right now, but it can get better, honest. When we're in the Black Pit of Depression, it seems like everything is so freaking hopeless.

But if it helps you, many of us have had our hearts stomped on by a former lover....and we survived to love someone else. When I was 19, my boyfriend committed suicide. I thought I would never get over that, but eventually I did.

If you feel suicidal, please call a help line or go to the ER. There are people who care about you and they will be devastated if you followed through on that. I've heard this a million times here at Crazyboards, but like most clichés, it has some truth in it. "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem."

Please reach out to someone and get help to get past this crisis.

olga

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Personally, I detest this statement: There are plenty fish in the sea. But, after all the upsetting, failed relationships I've been through, I've managed to eventually come by someone new. The more breakups I've been through, the more I realize how true this statement is. Lmao

What i'm trying to say, like those above, is that this guy is not worth your time and stress. Your special someone is out there, waiting to meet you. Things like this may take some time. This guy you're with now, doesn't seem like he's worth any of it.

Look in the mirror. You are gorgeous- inside and out (your pic :)). Sorry for the cliche. But, every ounce of you is deserving of the happiness this life has to offer. Yes, there will be obstacles, but you will persevere.

Keep your head up, and don't be afraid to talk to anyone. More people than you think are willing to lend an ear and a helping hand.

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I just wish i could get over all of this on my own. I know at some point I'm going to to try to talk to someone and get some help and I'm also considering admitting myself. Right now the weather in Indiana is pretty bad. And the thought of leaving my bed terrifies me. I've never spent this much time just hiding...

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Have you thought about, maybe, taking advantage of your depression by some means of artistic expression (photography, poetry, writing, drawing, painting, etc.)?

For me, when my episodes come around, there is nothing in the universe that could get me out of my room, or my bed, for that matter. I close all my windows, shades and curtains, and just want to stay in the darkness. This is also a time when i am my most creative. So, I write and draw. While my output is on the morbid side, it's still really good stuff and it manages to provide me with some form of relief, sometimes.

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I understand why you want to do this on your own, but here's an analogy. If you had breast cancer, would you go to a doctor or treat it yourself? If a tooth abscessed, would you extract it in your room or go see a dentist?

Depression is a very real illness. It can take your life away. You have so many years ahead of you that could be fun and productive, creative and exciting. Depression is a mean bully whispering in your ear that you don't deserve to be happy---you're just a useless piece of crap. That's the depression talking, and it's lying. I'm sure you are a bright, energetic person when you're not sick, but just now depression is kicking your ass.

Please call someone and get help. I know the weather is horrible, but call a help line. There will be someone there who can tell you where to go for treatment.

You really can't do this on your own.

olga

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Hi, I'm over in Ohio and I know what you mean about the weather. This is not a good time to be out and about.

Still, I wanted to urge you to go out and get help as soon as the weather lets up. It can, and will, get better. You may need to try a few different things, or you may find the right solution right away. Getting over MI *is* hard work, but it can be done.

As for the person who you were in love with, well, I hope you get him out of your system soon. I know we can't really control who we fall for, but this guy sounds like too much trouble. It's really all about him, from what I can tell. You deserve to be with someone who thinks it's all about YOU.

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As for the guy, it's really not about him. I came back from winter break and things just started going downhill. Especially since i was without my medicine for a couple weeks. Let's just say...he's the straw that broke the camel's back.

I'd really rather go home and get help. It's a semi-familiar environment. But I've already missed so much class and homework because of this. And I have a stupid alcohol education class on the 12th. I just really don't want to be down here anymore. I wasn't ready for college. I didn't want to go in the first place. Ugh. I'm just a mess.

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have you thought about taking a break from school? It was something I considered, but never actually followed through with, due to pressure from peers and the parental units. Had I done so, I might have actually avoided much of the unnecessary grief and stress I'd experienced over the past 5 to 6 years.

It could give you time to sort things out-do some "soul searching", perhaps?

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I took a quarter off from college my freshman year. It was worth it for me. I didn't completely recover during that time. But I was at least functional after. If you need a break there's probably a way you can get a hardship withdrawal or something like that. It wasn't hard for me to get mine I just had to have a psychiatrist send a letter and I had to write a short one myself.

I hope you feel better soon.

All the best

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