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PSmith4630

"Biggest Loser"?

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I know I'm probably opening myself up to some serious pointing & laughing, but everyone on here I've talked to seems cool so far, so here goes. 

As the Topic Description says, yes I'm a 32 year old virgin who has never had a gf.  I don't think it's my looks, as I think I'm pretty average looking, although I think I looked much better before I got to be about 60lbs overweight.  That's because my meds have always given me a massive appetite.  I was always thin until about 10 yrs ago when I started taking meds for depression. 

I don't think it has much to do with my looks, but has a lot to do with low-self esteem.  I tend to keep to myself.  I am I think what you would call a "loner".  Until about 3 years ago, before we had a big falling out, I had 2 friends from high school, but they weren't any help as far as meeting women because they were losers like me.  One of them is the same age as me and hasn't even asked a girl on a date in his life because his self-esteem is even worse than mine.  So you can imagine how much help they were.

When I was in school, I was totally clueless about how to meet girls.  I'd be 16 and going up to a girl in a mall or something saying something like "my you're breathtaking" or some corny bullshit like that.  Can you imagine a 16 yr old guy saying something like that to meet a girl?  And that I was so shy that I was visibly terrified didn't help either.

Also, I was just reading a post by a member by the name of *j* that really reminded me a lot of myself.  He's married, not a dateless wonder like me, that's not what reminded me of myself.  It was that he likes being alone better than being with people.  I'm an only child and have spent a lot of time alone in my life.  As a teenager I would go to movies by myself, go to the mall by myself, and stay in my room and play video games and watch tv.  But I've come to realize that it's not that I'm happy being alone, because there have been times (albeit brief) that I got a taste of what having a real social life feels like, and really enjoyed it.  So it's not that I'm happy being alone.  It's just what I'm used to, and habits are hard to break.

Yes I've been on a few dates, but nothing came of it.  One girl I went out with once, we kissed some at the end of the date, the first time I ever kissed a girl.  I think I was like 24 or 25 if you can believe it.  She really seemed to like me, I mean we tongue-kissed a few times, she must really be into me, right?  So I IM'ed her on AOL under a different name, asking if she was seeing anybody special and she said no.  "But we tongue-kissed" I thought!  When she said she wasn't seeing anyone special (me), I got discouraged and didn't talk to her anymore.

That's just an example of my dating mis-adventures.  Some other times, the women (when I would meet them on the internet) weren't good looking enough when I met them, so I didn't go out with them anymore.  And I don't like all the bullshit of dating a girl and wondering "will she be the one?  will she be the one?" and then get my hopes up for nothing.  It's too emotionally draining. 

There's also a problem of me not knowing what I want.  I don't want to get into a relationship with the 1st woman who is interested in me, and then wonder what I missed out on.  I think that men, for better or worse, usually go through a stage of casual sex with women they care nothing about.  "Sowing your wild oats" as its called.  I know it's really childish and immature and sexist, but sometimes I would like to be able to say that I had some sexual conquests that meant nothing to me.  Bragging rights, that sort of thing.  The problem is, I'm not in school anymore, and life isn't a big popularity contest anymore, so who would I tell?  Drive around with a megaphone?  Post it on the internet to people I will never meet?

I don't know why I'm posting this really.  I guess I just wanted to vent a little.  Sorry about rambling on like that.  Thanks.

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Hi,

I'm no therapist, and I'm not a male..but I thought I'd give you my "2 cents" from a female POV.

As a teenager I would go to movies by myself, go to the mall by myself, and stay in my room and play video games and watch tv.  But I've come to realize that it's not that I'm happy being alone
are you SURE you're not happy being alone, alot of the time? you sound like a natural introvert to me.  So am I, hey howzitgoin.  I also enjoy *occasional* social events immensely.  Nothing wrong with having few friends, it just makes finding a GF harder that's all.

So I IM'ed her on AOL under a different name, asking if she was seeing anybody special and she said no.

To ME, "special" means: possible soul mate (or "I think I'm falling in love.").  A kiss is a kiss. Please don't take kisses that seriously. 

I think that men, for better or worse, usually go through a stage of casual sex with women they care nothing about.  "Sowing your wild oats" as its called.  I know it's really childish and immature and sexist, but sometimes I would like to be able to say that I had some sexual conquests that meant nothing to me.  Bragging rights, that sort of thing. 
That's absolutely normal for most men.  Thing is, the more women there are the better your chances..like you said, you are an introvert; but is there any chance of getting out to a nicer club/bar? How about an online dating service?  Don't think of it as bragging rights, .  Think of it as taking a few test drives..you wouldn't just buy the first car that comes along without even looking under the hood or driving it. Long term relationships are even more important than cars one would hope?

And I don't like all the bullshit of dating a girl and wondering "will she be the one?  will she be the one?" and then get my hopes up for nothing.  It's too emotionally draining. 

HAVE SOME FUN! don't place all your life hopes and dreams into your dates! Try to Take your time and enjoy.

  the women (when I would meet them on the internet) weren't good looking enough when I met them,

Did you get lots of photos of them online before you met them? I would make that a standard practice.

I could go into a misandrist diatribe..but instead I'll just say I HOPE you're not a perfectionist in the looks/body dept .or your life could be very lonely indeed.

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I could go into a misandrist diatribe..but instead I'll just say I HOPE you're not a perfectionist in the looks/body dept .or your life could be very lonely indeed.

No, not a perfectionist.  I actually like a woman who is voluptuous and has some curves.  A body like Drew Barrymore or Kelly Clarkson (although I've heard she's lost weight and isn't so voluptuous anymore) would be great.  Most of the times when I have met a woman over the internet I have gotten a pic first.  But there were a couple times on the internet, and once when I met a girl from one of those phone personals, that I didn't.  The one I met on the phone personals, she was really cool & all, but she was pretty heavy and I remember being out with her and looking at better looking women thinking "I want one of them!" ;) Now that I've made a complete :@) of myself....  (that's how you make a pig smiley on Yahoo! chat btw)

I have to be physically attracted to her is all I'm saying.

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:@) of myself....  (that's how you make a pig smiley on Yahoo! chat btw)

I have to be physically attracted to her is all I'm saying.

Is it really a pig, that's capital..I need to remember that! thanks. (how do you make a devil smiley?)  (6)

You're not a pig, you're a human male.  (and I'm turning into a penguin: stop it!)

of course Physical attraction is necessary for the complete breakfast 'o love. It can take a long time to match all the qualities we want/need in a mate. Or, it may not take as long as you think, anyway best of luck! 

looking at better looking women thinking "I want one of them!"

*warily looks around for ppl with tomatoes in hand*

pssst...women do that too, only for my part it's not the looks. Mea Culpa.

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hi psmith,

if you're looking for meaningless sex, couldn't you find out which clubs in your town are meat markets? every town has them. it makes sense to me that if that is what you are looking for right now you should go somewhere that there will be women looking for the same thing. once you get some bonks under your belt (pun intended) perhaps that will help you realise just what you DO like in women, and more importantly, what you DON'T like.

grouse.

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hi psmith,

if you're looking for meaningless sex, couldn't you find out which clubs in your town are meat markets? every town has them. it makes sense to me that if that is what you are looking for right now you should go somewhere that there will be women looking for the same thing. once you get some bonks under your belt (pun intended) perhaps that will help you realise just what you DO like in women, and more importantly, what you DON'T like.

grouse.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I was afraid to say it, but I agree. Not so much to find out what you like and don't like, but just to, well, get it over with and boost your confidence. I mean, what boosts a man's self esteem more than drunken (/medicated) sex with a complete stranger! And I'm only half joking.

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hi psmith,

if you're looking for meaningless sex, couldn't you find out which clubs in your town are meat markets? every town has them. it makes sense to me that if that is what you are looking for right now you should go somewhere that there will be women looking for the same thing. once you get some bonks under your belt (pun intended) perhaps that will help you realise just what you DO like in women, and more importantly, what you DON'T like.

grouse.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

;)   ok, grouse, that was funny as hell (you were reading my mind, weren't you?)

ok, composed now

welcome psmith

a favor, please? stop referring to yourself as a loser. you are not one.

**jmo** but it sounds like you are at a stage in your life where you are ready to  make some changes

and I say good for you!

now comes the hard part of what changes to make and how to get the best results.

you made the first step of posting here and being honest about some of the things you want. next comes taking action

any plans?

spike

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i read your other thread and you sound like you're in a pretty fragile state. i don't know about your depression coming from your low self-esteem, but i do know that low self-esteem is a common symptom of depression. if having some sexual conquests is a recurring theme for you perhaps that is something that would improve your self-esteem. perhaps it might help give you confidence. then when you are feeling better and are interested in meeting a woman for a loving relationship you would have more confidence to go and meet one.

grouse.

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As the Topic Description says, yes I'm a 32 year old virgin who has never had a gf.

Isn't there a movie out right now about a 40-year-old in the same situation?  Have you seen it?

I don't think it has much to do with my looks, but has a lot to do with low-self esteem.

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Sounds to me like you need to find some experiences that have something in common with that trip you made in the past. Maybe you just need to go on some trips with groups? I used to have fun times going on long distance drives with friends to hobby contests. But perhaps you can join some coed vacation trip or something?

If it makes you feel any better, I was 35 before I had a steady girlfriend. That lasted 10 years. It's been less than a year, in fact only 5 months since I actually moved out, but I've had another steady girlfriend now for a couple of months.

So things can change.

As far as Cerberus' comment about the prime of life, it seems a little pessimistic. I'm 46. While there are some things about sex that are not as they were, I have to say that overall, the sex I'm experiencing these days is the best I've had. To the point where I really didn't see much of the outdoors last weekend. A lot of it is mental. Maybe the Adderall and the Welbutrin help some, too. And I'm willing to spend a loooong time at it when I am often unable to come because of the Prozac!

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I'm a young (21) girl, so this is from a totally different perspective, and one that may be totally naive and meaningless (I get that way sometimes)...but for what it's worth:

I'm a serial monogamist.  I find people and I get fixated on them and make them stay.  My last relationship was live-in and lasted 2 years and I couldn't stand the guy half the time.  But I convinced myself that I loved him (and probably did in some way) and agreed to marry him (ha!  what a joke!) and all this crap that totally didn't even make sense.  Because that's what I do.

That relationship ended a year and a half ago.  For the past year and a half I've been casually dating and having even more casual sex.  And I seriously think it's so much healthier for me right now. 

It sounds to me like you have a tendency (which I am totally familar with) to try and make every experience in your life a defining, completely important, all-consuming moment.  I do this to everything, too.  Every date is a potential soulmate.  Every nice gesture could be the beginning of a life-long friendship.  Which is totally true.  But putting that kind of pressure on everything is just rotten.  It mucks everything up.  It makes me anxious and irritable and desperate for things to go "just right." 

It was much harder for me to make friends/get a date when I acted or felt like that... I don't know if it showed externally or I just gave off weird vibes or what it was... but now that I've kind of learned to take it easy and give things time and not make everything so damn important... things come easier.

I know it's stupid advice, because if someone would have told me a few years ago to just relax and let it happen, I would have wanted to bash their face in- if I could relax and let it happen, don't you think I'd do it, bozo?  I don't have any advice on how to make it happen.  I'm not sure how it happened for me, other than I got out of this relationship (which was my first serious relationship) and got on meds and into therapy....

So basically my advice sucks and means nothing.  Usually I write big long things like this and delete them because I realize I'm a dolt.  But I'm trying to work on being more honest and open with the stuff I say, so there you go.

Plus (and this is just a side note and I know you weren't trying to be offensive at all) I have to say that Kelly Clarkson and Drew Barrymore are skinny digitized fake images- real women don't look like that.  I'd love to date Brad Pitt, too, but he's not even real- he's doused in makeup with some guy off camera to comb his hair every 5 minutes and a guy on a computer somewhere blurring away all his zits.  I know your expectations aren't really that high (you're not sending creepy fan mail to the Barrymores, right? ;) , but it's an issue near and dear to my heart, so I have to say something.

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Our culture (and i use the term loosely)  feeds us all this crap to make us insecure like we all have to be these M.T.V. meat puppets=all body no brain.

    So you are introverted and probably a little or alot too deep for some people .your counterpoint exists out there but how do you find them ?  There are things for introverts out there that aren't the net.

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Is it really "bragging rights" you want, that is, the acceptance you think you would get from other people who hear the bragging, or is it rather a personal bar you've set for yourself, to know that you've done it?

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Plus (and this is just a side note and I know you weren't trying to be offensive at all) I have to say that Kelly Clarkson and Drew Barrymore are skinny digitized fake images- real women don't look like that.

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If it makes you feel any better, I was 35 before I had a steady girlfriend. That lasted 10 years. It's been less than a year, in fact only 5 months since I actually moved out, but I've had another steady girlfriend now for a couple of months.

So things can change.

As far as Cerberus' comment about the prime of life, it seems a little pessimistic. I'm 46. While there are some things about sex that are not as they were, I have to say that overall, the sex I'm experiencing these days is the best I've had. To the point where I really didn't see much of the outdoors last weekend. A lot of it is mental. Maybe the Adderall and the Welbutrin help some, too. And I'm willing to spend a loooong time at it when I am often unable to come because of the Prozac!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

That's very encouraging, thanks.  That would be great if I'm just a "late bloomer" like that.  And I most likely am.  I mean a late bloomer as opposed to a "never-bloomer".  As I said, when I was feeling better none of this "am I a loser" bullshit never even crossed my mind.  Thanks to all of you for listening anyway. 

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As far as Cerberus' comment about the prime of life, it seems a little pessimistic.

I wasn't trying to imply that I'm past it yet, but off in the semi-distance I hear a clock ticking.  Since some women do go for the "older man", age doesn't necessarily hamstring a guy.

Unless you're gay.

Then ageism hits you like a fist square in the mush. What's this -- a loss of muscle tone?  Some gray hairs?  An age spot?  Crow's feet?!?!?  Suddenly you find yourself being referred to as "that old guy" -- at 35!  And 46?  One foot in the grave, my man.

They say you're only as old as you feel.  Well, after a youth of living with depression and all its pains, I feel like frickin' Methuselah.  And you reach a point in life where it just doesn't feel right to be as irresponsible as you could in your 20s -- like it's kind of too late for that.

I don't know.  I'm always nervous about posting to the relationships board because I've always been horrid at relationships and emotional/sexual issues.

Feel free to ignore me.

Cerberus

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Unless you're gay.

Then ageism hits you like a fist square in the mush. What's this -- a loss of muscle tone?  Some gray hairs?  An age spot?  Crow's feet?!?!?  Suddenly you find yourself being referred to as "that old guy" -- at 35!  And 46?  One foot in the grave, my man.

;)   gay, or a straight female.

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