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Oh Hai Lovelies

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*waves:)* Hi! I'd like to extend my hand in smiling greeting to all the wonderful people here :). I came across this site several years ago and was blown away at the FREEDOM of everything that is advocated here! I feel like I am at a lovely rave (Peace, Love, Unity, Respect-ya dig?) minus the lovely subs of my younger years (I've not been to a rave, anyhow, so *shrugs* ;)) ...

Ah, me... Well, I am dr. diagnosed (and this has remained the stable for my friends the axii from Intake 1 to my last, intake 8) as Bipolar (I dig it), Borderline Personality Disorder (can I get an AMEN?! :D) ADHD, and anxiety disorder. I need to do some more research (my Psych of the past several years is, shall I say, "sub-par". And yes, you may belittle, sternly shake your head, or be sorely disappointed that I have not yet gone on to a doc who for one (LOL, gee-AS IF recovery is important?! :D) (aka- and/or 'duh') actually participates in the type of therapy I seek, listens to me, does not undermine me, [i can go on and on here, I'll wrap it up with my good friend, the ellipsis] ... :D But, my friends! You see I am one of the jaded, the cynical, (yet open to hearing suggestions) the test subject who oft is allergic to the meds, the hypochondriac in the doc's eyes who DOES NOT, CANNOT *riffles pages in DSM-cross checks pharma databases* have such boldly stated side effects NEVER BEFORE SEEN BY THE EYES OF MAN!!!!!!!!

I used to think docs were out to help us broken/battered/tattered/blood-spattered/faulty gray matter-ed humans, but years of being young, trusting, and ignored by my Psychs, now I've branched out, as mental health is EASY! Right kiddos? :D So, I took down my physical health, I like challenges, yeah that's right! [for any confused, I am theatrical type, and my facetious tone carries poorly via teh interwebz] I'll ratchet those brackets out and add on a connective tissue disorder (currently MASS phenotype, undiagnosed till mid 20's after a very active lifestyle despite the mental hurdles. However, it is most strongly suspected to be Ehler's Danlos Syndrome. Hereditary,skeletal features of marfan syndrome, but thank [my lucky stars] no catastrophic eye nor heart damage.

I am an artist by chemical make up, my heart does not live on without it. I have stayed out of the hospital for a year +, which i am proud of. Last intake was suicide attempt by drinking bleach. Again, I am so absurdly lucky-no major esophageal damage nor elsewhere is glaring damage found (much time has passed).

My goals- To locate a psych team (or within the same area) participating in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (I'd, well, ya see... I'd just kiiiiiiiinda like to maybe FAKE being normal when the need is there)(but more so I'm so very very tired of trying to explain to others that "I'm sorry, I just do not understand people. I don't understand people's motivation when they initiate interactions with me. I am too literal, I am too defensive, I'm CRAZY OKAY bye nice meeting you! We could do lunch?!" *sigh*.

I want to learn how to shape the materials into the gaps in my emotional [see also: inherent {lol, I shall not even air quote that} human nature] foundation. I've tried to plug those holes with sex, drugs, and any risky/self-destructive [iT'S FUN! COME ONNNNN!] behavior which alleviates ever so briefly the [Thank you Milan Kundera] "Unbearable Lightness of Being" which has weighed me down so fully that my heyday came at age 19 and it's been down, down, down, ever since.

TheBipolarBearclub: Mania is like a woman, isn't it? Hm, no lets say "sparkle dust" to "powder ones' nose" with... ["Is your wife a goer?" 'A what?!' "A Goer! You know..." *nudgenudgewinkwink*] Anyhow, Mania seems so full of prosperous times (to the adhd perfectionist who is too oft w/out the energy to try to REMEMBER [to live:(] so shiny, so NEEDED.Right.NOW. Then, WHAMBAMThankYou!Ma'am! anxiety creeps up the spine, clenching your muscles, inducing paranoia, sleepless nights, desire to have achieved those oh-so-easy and well-thought-out plans, remorse, craving, dysphoria... And on the rock tumbles down the hill again [Damn you, Sisyphus!]

My best medicine (found to date) (12 yrs guinea pigging) is not legal in this state, so I make due as I can. No thank you, Zyprexa, I'll not be taking you [the past 3 years] today, I very much love my frontal lobe, dopamine, ability to concentrate and above ALL my ability to find my creative areas where I can reach into, grasp, and return with prose, paint, glue, yarn, books; creative catharsis is truly a tiny life cycle. I am not simply healing my pain by creating, [truly, folks, my greatest reward is to hear the rare who thank me, after seeing my photography, or paintings, or drawings, and tell me that I [ME>!? HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!] inspired them, I enabled them to see the world so differently, and for that they find themselves noting the ladybug perched on the Rose of Sharon stamen, the colors changing from dark amber to apricot to a green/orangish blue, and then SUN! the Rays! Illumination :)

Okay-Sorry for the tangent that is [shockingly?] incomplete, but I got [surprised? it was shiny] distracted and I feel my gentle audience folk should be saved from my nonsense :)

I'm looking forward to meeting others on the forums who are kind hearts. And the forums to hash out what I hate to hash. :/ Keep on keepin' on, friends! Ty for having me :)


You don't need a drum to find your own rhythm.

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Hello and Welcome.

Monty Python, Greek myth, creative craftwork, and a possible allusion to Neil Gaiman's Sandman series. Jaded and cynical too*, while existing somewhere out near the edge of the bell curve...

Throw in an Douglas Adams or Terry Pratchett quote and I might fall in love.

Aging male wth Asperger's and long history of depressive illness.

Long history of building unusual model railways, too.

*Have you met Samuel Vimes? “If there was anything that depressed him more than his own cynicism, it was that quite often it still wasn't as cynical as real life.”

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