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building rock solid self confidence and resiliencey


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Im starting on building confidence. I have tried this before and I did okay, felt okay but it wasn't true confidence like one small thing could happen and I would wind up feeling crappy and worthless (I know that Im not). I really want to build rock solid confidence this time but Im not entirely sure how to go about it. Its something that I have spoken to my tdoc about, because I dont want to feel like I have built myself up just to come crashing down and then feel as if in someway I have lied to myself in some way. It is all good and well feeling like you can do anything in therapy, but I would like to feel like that (eventually) everywhere. It is going to take time, I dont mind Im prepared to do the hard yards.

Im not very resilient either plus add the whole social difficulties associated with adhd and social intelligence, nonverbal communication, body language, facial expressions I dont really understand this stuff. If one of my friends jokes about me I cant really tell if its a joke or if its serious (thanks bullies). Plus I have hangups around intimacy and stuff which is also sucking away confidence.

I know the obvious answer is tdoc, but is there anything I can do along side this? Thanks.

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Some of what you're describing - the intense reaction to relatively small things - sounds more like depression, than a confidence issue. So there's that.

And I'm not entirely sure what you mean when you say you aren't very resilient, but that doesn't quite sound like a question of confidence to me either.

I don't know if there's really any such thing as rock solid confidence. Confidence is a feeling, and like all feelings, it waxes and wanes. The most confident people still have moments of insecurity and self doubt. So, if you have those, it doesn't mean you've been lying to yourself, when you've felt more confident. It just means that, in that moment, you're having doubts. It happens to everyone, alas.

Whatever your lack of confidence at the moment, there must be areas, however small they seem, from which you're able to derive some self worth. Could be anything, just whatever you feel like you're good at. Personal style, how you take care of your pets, how well you drive, cooking, your sense of direction, being able to sew on a button (which I have yet to master), choosing good gifts for friends, organizational skills, the ability to wear white shirts, without spilling coffee all over them in the first 30 seconds, really, just whatever you enjoy, and feel like you're good at. Try engaging more with those things, and, to the extent it's possible, disengaging from things you think you suck at. I'm not suggesting you hide from things that are hard, or scary, or whatever, more that you kind of shift your focus to things you feel good about, if that makes sense?

As far as the social stuff, for years and years, courtesy of the monsters with whom I grew up, I just kind of assumed that, whenever, I met new people, they didn't like me, without even realizing I was doing it. At some point, I guess in the face of mounting evidence to the contrary, that shifted, and made a huge difference in my interactions with the world at large. When I find myself experiencing that kind of insecurity now, it's really helpful for me to make a point of electing to believe people generally, and my friends specifically, are basically well intentioned toward me. Even when I don't entirely believe it, reminding myself of that perspective helps. If, again, that makes any sense?

What has your tdoc had to say, when you've talked to her about it?

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Well, you could try adding DBT practice (must plug it as am at a trainign right now) it seems to boost both a sense of self efficacy and social phobic behavior generally also responds well to it. So if there's a group available to you you might wan to give it a shot.

Learning the training, currently, I am finding some of the practices enormously valuable for myself, and i consider myself fairly confident overall. It's good to be able to break thtat stuff down, though....

Anna

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I didnt mean to post this lol. For some reason I must have clicked post instead of going back. Seeing tdoc tomorrow. I disagree with the depression idea. I always have had a short fuse before and after I had depression, its more I get frustrated cos Im doing something and its not working out. I think its more the adhd. Once I have vented Im all good whereas when I was depressed I climbed into bed and wallowed in self pity for hours.

I do have some confidence, it wavers but all in all its good and I am glad with what I have developed so far. I guess I held a somewhat unrealistic image of just being completely comfortable and out going with heaps of friends and stuff. Will report back with what the tdoc says.

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