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I have urges to self harm myself tonight, trying to do something distracting so I will not dwell on my huge amounts of failure.already exhausted my workout, and long warm bath so I will have to find something else, I am not able to concentrate enuf to read a book but maybe I can focus enuf for a movie

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Yeah, I know how it feels dealing with massive amounts of failure. My life the past 5 years has essentially consisted of what others would objectively call pure life failure. Sometimes it feels that the only thing that will make us feel vindicated is SI (as if it were punishment), but I know that's wrong. I've "punished" myself before with exhausting workouts too, but those tend to leave me more depressed than before (although they do tend to make me forget about the problem at hand).

I'm all for constructive distractions, though... a movie sounds like a good idea, but not my personal cup of tea since I have zero attention span... I don't know if you're into social/online video games at all, but the interactive component of them really helps to melt away stress (and as a bonus, as you get really good at the game, you get the satisfaction of regularly kicking other people's butts at it!).

Another option is to redefine "failure" in a way that excludes you. I've noticed that a lot of people who SI (including myself, a former SI victim) are huge control freaks and want to take responsibility for everything that happens to them, and I've found that realizing that some things that have lead to my life's "failures" are purely beyond my control and due to the ignorant, selfish, and insurmountable actions of other, more powerful elements of society. I can tell by your post that you're engaging in a lot of self-blame, so maybe you would benefit in considering society's role in your "failures" and engaging in the self-realization that you are, at the core, a good person with proper intentions, which is more than I can say for half the people I know.

Anyways, sorry for the ranting, but I hope you found some help up in there. And you are right, you do need to relax, and I wish you the best in that pursuit...

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I hope the movie helps. If you want, you can try chat. Sometimes I do that to keep my mind off of things.

The alternatives thread has a lot of good ideas.

I commend you for wanting to do something else. It's hard to stay away from the impulse.

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I agree with Rowen. The fact that you are actively trying to avoid is AWESOME. Keep it up ...

I think you are being really hard on yourslef about the failure piece although I understand feeling like that too. The fact is you are conciously working on yourself and changing maladaptive behaviors. That doesn't sound failuresque to me. The fact is a lot of people can never get to that point. Keep going!!!

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I appreciate your responses and your support, I read them all a couple of times trying to get some insite, I did and I got some new insite of my own, which I think would not happened if I had chose to SI this time...also I went to bed early and listened to music until I was asleep it really helped too, again thank you for what you said I felt a little extra strength to get thru the evening

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