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Our cultural obsession with staying alive


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OK, so I've dealt with severe depression and anxiety for decades. In the first episode of Futurama, Bender is about to enter a suicide booth. I thought, "wow that's cool." I see a psychoanalyst 3 times a week and sometimes I've just thought "Why can't we just work on a suicide plan?" I have never been afraid to think about death, on the flip side, sensing my own mortality may be a big factor in both my experience of depression and anxiety.

BTW, I don't want to alarm anyone, I am totally incapable of killing myself, and maybe that's what this post is about. It's like that Insane Clown Posse song "F*** the World". The background goes "If I only cared, I'd set the world on fire." I would be "at risk" but I'm too damn apathetic. I just don't really care about "life for the sake of life no matter how fucking painful it is". I hate that attitude.

I understand though it's probably only natural for people to want me to stay around... though I'm not so sure they would if they really knew how painful things get. I get mad at people who tell me "suicide is not an option" but don't have any opiates for me. It's like "Seriously if you want me to stick around you better make me feel better".

Well I guess that is just one half of me, and of course the kicker. The other half makes me part of the problem I'm trying to discuss, those times that I'm part of the obsession and thinking "OMG what if I was dead?!?!?!".

OMG I have no idea what the point if this post is, I just needed to vent. Thanks for reading.

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Are you being treated? You sound like you feel terrible, even if you don't feel capable of suicide.

When you mentioned Bender (and I have seen that episode), it reminded me of Welcome to the Monkey House, in the collection of stories by the same name by Kurt Vonnegut. Sorry, I go off on tangents.

Are you addicted to opiates, or do you use them recreationally(sp)? Or are you in pain? They will make you more depressed, as you probably know. And of course, it is not that great of an idea to have a stash of opiates around when you are feeling like you don't want to live. Again, even if you think you are not capable of suicide.

The honest truth about being MI, is you never know where the crazy will lead you. So be careful. I have only had to be talked out of killing myself once, but the time I was, I was also planning to kill someone else along with me. I still can't believe that person is me, I will never take what I can an can't control for granted again.

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Are you being treated? You sound like you feel terrible, even if you don't feel capable of suicide.

When you mentioned Bender (and I have seen that episode), it reminded me of Welcome to the Monkey House, in the collection of stories by the same name by Kurt Vonnegut. Sorry, I go off on tangents.

Are you addicted to opiates, or do you use them recreationally(sp)? Or are you in pain? They will make you more depressed, as you probably know. And of course, it is not that great of an idea to have a stash of opiates around when you are feeling like you don't want to live. Again, even if you think you are not capable of suicide.

The honest truth about being MI, is you never know where the crazy will lead you. So be careful. I have only had to be talked out of killing myself once, but the time I was, I was also planning to kill someone else along with me. I still can't believe that person is me, I will never take what I can an can't control for granted again.

I think I will always be addicted to opiates, currently though I have no access to them and I don't anticipate having access to them for a good while. I planned a multi-suicide over 5 years ago with some random person I met on the internet. We became friends, and picked an idyllic location to end it all. Problem was we were using a cocktail of drugs and I was the supplier. Long story short, she blurbed to her friends, friends blurbed to mom, mom blurbed to police, I as the provider of said cocktail was charged with possession and possession with intent. Apparently in GA they have very strict drug laws and/or I had a terrible lawyer which is why I'm now on probation for 10(!) years.

Another time I had a stash of a drug from said planned attempt that came in the mail while I was in jail. I held on to it until one night I spontaneously said "fuck it" and took all the drugs. I was in a coma for 3 days. So yes it is bad to have a stash around (esp. if it's going to fail anyway!), so I don't. I have accepted for now that I must live, but you are right, circumstances can change fast.

I'm wondering for how long you've been doing the psychoanalysis, and if you think it's helped? Is that the only kind of treatment in which you're currently engaged?

Yes it is the only treatment. I've been doing it for almost 5-6 months now. I honestly don't know if it's helping. All I know its it seems like the sessions are getting more intense and 3x a week is not enough. I tried group therapy and hated it. This is a terrible thing to say but I think most people are stupid. That's a viewpoint I've got to change.

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There's a reason why I keep my meds in a locking box where I can give someone else the keys.

I guess society is "obsessed" because there are things worth living for. MI doesn't have to be a death sentence. You can recover, even if you've been having a rough time for a long time. I've seen it in my work. It's a pretty awesome thing.

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I'm actually kind of the opposite a lot of people have the mentality that 'you only live once' or that 'life is too short' and place this pressure on themselves but life isn't always a sprint.

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I don't think it's our culture actually, it's more of a human thing. the drive to be alive is fairly strong in most people. This is where depression fucks us all up.

YOur stash story sounds horrid by the way. Granted, planning a multi suicide with someone... you're just lucky you didn't end up with jail time, not probation.

Glad you made it out of the coma... although not for you,

If psychoanalysis ends up not helpign there are other therapies out there, some of whicch may be more effective for feelings of chronic suicidality. DBT springs immediately to mind, and if you are willing to go 3 times a week, you could totally do it on an individual basis.

Anna

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I don't think it's our culture actually, it's more of a human thing. the drive to be alive is fairly strong in most people. This is where depression fucks us all up.

YOur stash story sounds horrid by the way. Granted, planning a multi suicide with someone... you're just lucky you didn't end up with jail time, not probation.

Glad you made it out of the coma... although not for you,

If psychoanalysis ends up not helpign there are other therapies out there, some of whicch may be more effective for feelings of chronic suicidality. DBT springs immediately to mind, and if you are willing to go 3 times a week, you could totally do it on an individual basis.

Anna

Behavioral therapy? I'm not on this planet to behave as society would like.

What do you mean my stash story sounds horrid, and what do you mean I'm lucky?

What does it mean "glad you made it out of the coma, although not for you"?

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