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Worst night of my life..


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Last night, was the worst night of my life. Im alright now. Its about my boyfriend,I have forgiven him but i just need to explain to someone how i felt.

Last night my boyfriend told me that he didnt believe I was truly happy being with him (if you read my Masochism Forum then,its because he knows what i want etc. and thought because he wouldnt hurt me etc. i wasnt happy,if you havent read that forum,nevermind) and that he was going to leave me to let me be happy. I asked him not to leave me,begged him, and told him that I am happy with him,i love him so much. But he still wouldn't believe me and he said that i scared him because i would do anything for him. He asked me,that if he asked me to kill myself would I. And i told him the truth which was yes. His exact words were "But thats awful,don't you have more self respect than that?". Eventually he said he just needed a night to think,i was still distraught. Then he saw how upset i was and told me he wasnt going to leave,because obviously i did love him and was happy being with him. But all his words still hurt me. Ive never felt so much pain in my life. From the things he said to the fact that he almost left me. I wasn't mad,just so upset. I felt like he didnt love me or want me. After he left I felt so weak,i could barely move let alone stand. I literally sat there for an hour or so,I knew if i tried to stand I wouldn't be able to. My breathing was strained,it felt like i was drowing,taking such deep breaths. I felt like I'd been majorly winded,my stomach was turning and i felt nauseous. Now there were three things on my mind,that made me wish i could stand. I wanted to go to my room and cut my wrists,make myself sick and then drown myself. Eventually I stood. I got to my room upstairs and frantically searched for my razor. I cut but after i had finished i was frustrated because i wasn't bleeding enough,and the cuts weren't deep enough. I just got into bed. I didn't cry,i was too hurt to cry,in shock almost. I was slightly shaking and I could feel my heavy pulse in my wrists. And my breathing never got better. I couldn't sleep ,and when I eventually did i dreamt that i was just lying in bed trying to sleep,and that i lifted up my arm and it was pouring blood. Then i had another dream just where i was cutting. I woke up very early,and wasnt able to get back to sleep. I still felt nauteous and frustrated. I cut again. Then i went onto Messenger and he was online,he told me he was sorry for how he acted and how he does love me. I couldn't believe him but eventually I saw that he did. In his life he has faced alot of pain and heartbreak and he felt i didnt love him because thats what he was used to,but in thinking so and saying these things to me,he hurt me. What ive said still can't explain how i felt. I never made myself sick like i wanted...Ive never made my self sick but I had an urge. I still do but im keeping it at bay..I still want to cut too. I'm not writing this to make my boyfriend sound bad, I just needed to tell someone how i felt because i have told no one. And I can't tell him because he feels bad enough. I might sound stupid,it might not sound like what he said was much. But i felt like my legs were being knocked from below me and id been punched in the stomach. I have very low self confidence,and when the one person in your life who makes you feel loved,says something like that or says their leaving,it was excrutiating. I don't think ive fully recovered but i should be fine..Anyway after he told me this over Messenger,he had to go to work. And once again I was left alone,i had to take deep breaths and say to myself "He does love you,he does want you" until i finally calmed a little and fell asleep. Thanks for reading,please post a reply if you can. I'd love some sort of reply,no matter what it is.

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I could not read your entire post because it was so disturbing.

RosieX do you have a therapist? If you do please call her now and make an appointment.

Take a walk to get some fresh air, get some sleep.

Then get the mental health care that you need.

Is a Masochism Forum a post her at CB, or something / someplace else?

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I could not read your entire post because it was so disturbing.

RosieX do you have a therapist? If you do please call her now and make an appointment.

Take a walk to get some fresh air, get some sleep.

Then get the mental health care that you need.

Is a Masochism Forum a post her at CB, or something / someplace else?

No i don't have a therapist,i can't talk to anyone about any of this. Only two friends of mine and my boyfriend know about my cutting. No one knows about my experience last night.

My masochism forum is a post on this site,i posted it a few weeks ago. Thanks for your comment,ill try get an early night tonight..

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Sweetie,

You need professional help, this is not a normal feeling to have in a relationship, you really need some therapy. Is there anyone you trust who can help you get it? I hope you have taken care of the wounds, make sure they are bandaged and cleaned, and if they are deep that you have got medical attention for them. Please continue to check in and let us know that you're okay.

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No matter how many times you post, I am willing to bet that the advice you are going to receive is to get professional help NOW. You must make the decision to get help; you must take the steps to get help; you have choices in life, but those choices are yours. Asking for advice but the disregarding the advice offered by not one or two folks, but several is also your choice. Until you decide to help yourself no one here can help.

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There is no one from here that can help you on this, you need a face to face therapist for this one. Seriously. We will try to be supportive, but mainly by trying to encourage you to find a therapist who probably deals with self injury impulses and very serious disorders.

This is life or death, my dear.

Anna

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Ive told one friend about my cuts and she agrees that I need psychological help but I dont want to get it as I enjoy being an emotional wreck. It's a viscous circle. I'd love if anyone has any advice or if anyone could tell me their stories if they have similar situations and especially if they decided to take therapy.

Oh Rosie, I found your other topic. Anna and Indigo, and everyone else is right. You really need psychological care. You need to decide that your life is worth saving. Almost everyone here has had therapy or decides to have therapy. This place is all about treatment, medication and therapy. You need help Rosie.

Why would you 'enjoy being an emotional wreck?' I don't understand that. What does that mean to you?

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