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not doing good at all


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I exploded and hurt myself at work today in private, I punched myself in the wind pipe a few times and destroyed some of my personal things, I told the people I work with I was having a mammoth bad mental health day, truthfullly I was feeling very suicidal all day long, I am writing this b/c that helps me to publish it somewhere. When I got off work I did some self care things, haircut and ate out. I visited the pet store and did some shopping with out OVER shopping, I did all I could but still I am unsure if I should even go to work tomorrow, I laminated some DBT cards to take to work and it worries me that the more my dr bumps up my anti-psychotics the more I am unstable I am becoming recently, it is unlikely there are related but I am not getting the help I need from my meds as I used to

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Hey Gonenative,

Do you have a pdoc appt coming up? Have you contacted your pdoc. Sounds like you did some great self soothe and distraction. Maybe being at work will keep you occupied for a while, try to take it easy, focus on one task at a time and take advantage of your breaks.

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Thank you Rowen and Tintania, I see my pdoc on Monday recently its every 2 weeks b/c of changes in my dosage to help me get through all this overwhelming time, I liked to think that I am feeling all the pain that I have for the most part been avoided via other self destructive ways that are a little more socially acceptable, maybe I just need to feel that it has a purpose, I have not had SI episode since, but I am in a very dark place that I temper with self affirmations, even I am laughing at the dialogue going on in my own head : P I had someone suggest to me that it may have been my birth personality coming out, THAT really freaked me out, I have no way of knowing still it makes me think. I can only guess I am going to get LOTS of practice in self soothing and distraction and I can only guess I am going to lose my cool and have some moments of inappropriate anger at work ...YEP and to think I signed up for this, therapy that is AGAIN!

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