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Losing it this week


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Hi everybody,

I"m pretty new to posting here, but today I'm finally breaking down so much I just need to talk somewhere I guess. I'm BP2 (being debated currently because of rapid cycling) with psychotic features when manic. I was laid off in December, luckily found another job and started that about a month after I'd be laid off. Because I was out of work for that month I ended up running out of my medications and I haven't been able to afford to go back in yet. I was only seeing a pdoc as I couldn't afford therapy and a pdoc having no insurance. I've been having panic attacks all week, I"m getting to the point where I am unable to function, I am constantly worrying about everything I"m doing, and that I'm doing everything wrong. I just want everything to go away, I'm sick and tired of dealing and battling with my own thoughts and emotions. It's like I'm constantly walking on egg shells I'm so wound up and I'm sinking further into depression everyday. I feel so worthless and that everything I do is going to end up being wrong anyway, so what's the point of even trying. I feel like I let so many people down, because I can't just "be strong" and tell myself to not feel sad or upset. The thoughts are consuming though, I can't just magically shake it off like I feel people expect me to do. Every minute of everyday for the last week has been a battle going on inside my head, it's like a vicious cycle. I will feel hopeless about something and then that thought turns into me worrying about how others see me, which then turns into a thought about how worthless I am as a person, which then turns back into feeling hopeless and the circle starts again. I don't know what do to, I just want to crawl into bed and never get out. I just feel like I have no where and no one to turn to.

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I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. I used to have a lot of negative thoughts that were interfering with my life. I took a CBT course, but there are workbooks you can do yourself. The one we used was called "Mind over Mood". We self rated our anxiety and depression and everyone's decreased by the end. Also, one of my meds, lexapro, helps me with anxiety and depression.

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Thanks so much for describing so well exactly where I was a few years ago. The meds I had been on for a few years before that had quit working, and the thoughts just wouldn't stop, and I was totally overwhelmed. I feel for you, you're definitely not alone. Would your pdoc be willing to just give you some med samples, if you can't afford to see him/her and can't afford meds? Usually if I call mine and tell him how I'm doing and what my situation is he's willing to do that. Then you can get back on meds, feel better, start the new job, and afford a regular session. At any rate, it can't hurt to take that first step and pick up the phone and ask.

Hang in there. I know what this is like and no amount of telling myself to "be strong" ever penetrated the crazies of bipolar depression for me. It makes sense that you are having trouble, and it's okay to give yourself a break and not judge yourself. Sending peaceful thoughts your way. It will get better.

- Wendy

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Wendy,

Thanks for the advice, unfortunately for me to even go in for samples I have to pay for a regular appointment. I try to tell myself that I can make it, it should only be a week or two before I can make it back into my pdoc. But then all theset little things happen throughout the day and it is completely overwhelming again. Like even now, I'm worried that my pdoc will be upset with me when I do go back in, because I ran out in the first place. It helps to know that there are others out there who feel or have felt the same way. A lot of times I just feel like I'm in this terrible battle alone. It's just been getting worse and worse and everything is a stressor. I know I need help but it feels like I've got nowhere to turn to. I'm close to thinking I should check myself in, but then I think about how will I pay for that, I can't afford to go in to get samples so I sure can't afford a hospital stay anywhere. And it brings up a whole new stressor and a whole new set of terrible thoughts. I just don't know what to do at this point.

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Hey,

I really feel for you. I can see that you're actually doing your absolute best to cope with something very difficult. I realize that self judgement is part of depression, but let me tell you that you are coping admirably under the pressure, you haven't let anyone down.

If getting medical help sooner is impossible, what other coping mechanisms do you have? I'm thinking:

Sleep, are you getting enough? Is it difficult to sleep?

Are you able to do any gentle exercise?

What's your eating like right now?

Do you have routines during the day?

Are there any helplines you'd feel comfortable calling to vent?

Do you have anybody in life that you can confide in?

Is there anything you do that relaxes you or that you enjoy?

If all else fails, you do always have CB, please come here and vent, we'll keep you going.

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When is your pdoc appt? Start marking a calendar so as you go along and maybe struggle, you can see how far you've already gone.

Have you asked the pharmacy if they can hold you over - give an amt less than the 30 days if you have refills or prescribe a small amount until you see the pdoc. This of course requires you to pay for meds. Target has $4 lists that cover some psych meds, it that helps.

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Thank you for reminding us what this disease does,,,,,,you are SO not alone; and your description of your states is incredibly lucid. Welcome to Hell. Firstly , if your pdoc makes you feel guilty, theres something wrong in his craft. Secondly;........you know your mental status and daily abilities better than anyone else. Trust that instinct......it will save you life on occasion.

Thirdly? Oh wait, I don't have a thirdly outside of Whatever Gets Ya Thru the Night? S'alright, S'alright. I repeat, YOU AREN"T ALONE......post as much as neeeded aor even moreso.........you will come thru this. Let us help you do that.......medded , unmmedded? Most of us have survived most ot those swings.........PM me if you want when things get too wonky. Hell, PM me if you just need to talk ......and take things a moment at a time. As they were intended.

peace

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Thank you guys for the responses, it helps to know that I'm not alone and that others have felt the same way I am feeling now. The only medication that I haven't run out of yet is a PRN anxiety medication, I was able to have that re-filled last night (all my other meds were out of re-fills unfortunately or I would have been able to stay on them, as it is the appointment that I can't afford to go to right now) so I"m hoping that once I pick those up and pop a few I might be able to get away from these negative thoughts, if only for an hour or two. The way I'm sinking downward right now even a quiet mind for an hour would be a blessing.

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I'd still call the pdoc ASAP and explain the situation and see if they would call in a scrip for you for the meds you were on. If you are not looking to change those meds out or change the dosages (then an office visit might be warranted), and those same meds at those same dosages were working for you before, I'd think the pdoc could see the necessity of getting you back on them as quickly as possible to get you back to some semblance of feeling stable again.

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Wow I can totally relate...I was "laid off" early January. I use the term loosely because I really was discriminated against. My health insurance stopped at the beginning of this month. I freaked out about my medications because even though they were all generics Target told me that they were $540 without health insurance. I think I panicked about this for about 3 weeks because I called CVS and they were even more expensive. I didn't think to call anywhere else then finally called Costco which I'm a member of (and you don't have to even be a member to use their pharmacy) and they have generics for way cheaper. My medications all together cost $85 a month which is $25 a month more that with health insurance but something I can swing and definitely a lot better than $540 dollars a month which i could not do. If you have Costco where you live please give them a call and talk to them. The only reason why my medications is $85 is the Wellbutrin is $45 a month for some reason and if I switched it to the non-extended release it would probably be more like $15. Having a membership at Costco gives you about a %20 extra discount and it might be worth the $50 membership per year if it gives you enough of a discount. I think they are in most states, I'm here in California...

Also my psychiatrist which I only see once a month only went up $10 a month to $70 instead of the $60 co-way I way paying before. I was totally stressing out about my mental health care and worrying about it and really my costs for it went up a total of $35 dollars a month when I finally found the right place to get my medications and luckily my doctor is already cheap enough. You might have to switch doctors and just find the right pharmacy to get your medications. Also you might have to switch some of your medications you were taking if they aren't available as generics....

It's unfortunate that you stopped taking your meds...some believe in a kindling effect that bi-polar illness can get worse if you allow the symptoms to flare up...its important to get back on the medications as soon as you can.

I think it's amazing that you were able to find a job in the condition you are in. I've been unemployed for a month and a half and while I'm getting unemployment I'm not sure if I'm totally ready for a new job. I'm feeling stable (I got out of the mental hospital mid-November) I'm scared to actually find a new job. I was at my last job for 5 years and I'm just kind of taking a break and mentally preparing myself for the job search and everything. You should feel proud of getting a job and holding onto it.

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I'm so sorry you are in a bad place, and can only second the advice to call pdoc and explain all this over the phone and see what suggestions he/she has for you. You may be able to get samples, an appointment you can pay off over time, and yes, costco and sams' club pharmacies are totally where it is at.

Anna

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I wish I could have written what you did when I was in a mixed state. It is hell on earth. But it sounds like you have a positive end in sight. Everyone before me have offered some good suggestions. I have nothing to add, except to say just take it one day - or one hour - at a time.

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