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The beginnings of a psychotic episode


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Guest Vapourware

I've been thinking about this on and off for a bit, and especially with my last episode of psychosis last year. I blogged about this a bit but I thought I might talk about it here as well - how did your psychotic episode begin?

For me, I'm still trying to reconcile myself with what happened. What happened was that I was on holiday and on a bus from Calgary to Vancouver, and while on the bus I was having thoughts that my psychiatrist was trying to kill me. I started imagining going insane, then on the second day of the trip I decided that I was going to embrace these thoughts and allow myself to go insane.

I feel like I had induced my psychotic episode, that if I had tried harder, maybe I wouldn't have gone psychotic. Although it could have been that I would've gone psychotic anyways regardless of what I'd done, or was already psychotic in the first place. It's still rather confusing for me to make sense of, even after all this time.

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I would agree that if you were psychotic enough to think pdoc was trying to kill you there probably wasn't much you could do to "fight it off" or anything like that.

remember you are dealing with a brain disorder here. That means organic. It sounds to me more like you are trying to work through guilt feelings about your last psychotic episode which may be a different matter entirely. There is no "fighting off" psychosis in my opinion. Maybe you could have coped better, maybe not, but you are not to blame for what happened to you.

Anna

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It sounds like you were already psychotic. I don't think you can allow yourself to become psychotic.

You sound like you think you should have tried harder, but I don't think you could have.

You recovered very quickly and are doing so well now. You give me hope.

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A particular TV program started holding specific significance to me. My day started to resemble the events on the TV program. It didn’t start to affect my life until about a year later when I started writing to a colleague via email. I could not stop writing however much I tried. The only time I had a break from writing was when I was at work or sleeping. I was having racing thoughts and I was writing everything that came to mind. I was jumping from one topic to the next. My psychiatrist said this excessive and compulsive writing was part of a psychotic process, not mania. I had to ask my colleague to block me from writing to him but he did not and found it rather amusing. I was so embarrassed but I couldn’t stop myself from doing it. Then all the psychotic thoughts started coming in. Names, colours, billboards and numbers all seemed to take on special meaning. Felt like I was being watched, that my colleagues were plotting against me to remove me from my job. But at the same time I knew this wasn’t true but I couldn’t help the way I felt.

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I start off having to record everything in my journals. Every detail has to be written down. I don't know why and its very similar in feeling to what Milly wrote above. I have to do it even though I know there are 1000 other things that need to get done. I start to 'put everything in its place' and I don't mean cleaning up, either. Things can be placed in very specific places across the floor, cut outs of pictures placed in specific places on the wall - all to ward off the spirits that are starting to try to control my mind. It gets worse from there. I have tried at the start to control it but its been no use. The very first thing I noticed this last time was an intense feeling that people wanted nothing to do with me because I had done something horrible but did not know what it was. I wrote a lengthy essay on my symptoms in my online journal on this site. There are also several of my psychotic rants there.

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