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so i had a lovely few days of stability - like i haven't felt in years (and no, i wasn't hypomanic, it was a good good - calm, content, only the thoughts i needed in my head, etc.) i was literally like a different person. my driving improved (due to lessened anxiety), my demeanor, interactions with people, and even the way i saw (things weren't too bright anymore. i literally lived in my sunglasses before). but most of all, i noticed how my thinking improved. how i wasn't gripped with anxiety over everything, i wasn't afraid of my parents, things didn't add up to mean something else (ie, this this and this happened which means this is going to happen [usually something unpleasant like me/someone is going to die/get hurt) or this this and this happened so i should have seen recent big (usually bad) events coming.) this drives my anxiety as well as you can imagine. so yay, clear thinking.

as of late, i'm starting to feel meh again. well, not meh so much. i had a semi bad day a few days ago, but since then i've been pretty pleasant (except for being overwhelmed at the mall the other day, but i think being a a mall, on a weekend, with a toddler and wandering husband would be enough to overwhelm more than a few people, despite my husband's feelings otherwise.). i feel a bit off mood wise, but not in a real identifiable way, if that makes sense. but my thinking has been changing again, but this time i'm aware of it. i'm not where i was before, but i'm starting to feel uneasy around my parents, seeing connections (i'm able to disregard them though), and having intrusive thoughts/"seeing" my family being hurt (car accidents, random other terrible things). my thoughts are also racing a tad too, but not much. as i said, i'm feeling ok, maybe a little up energy wise (can't really tell if it's normal or not) and can disregard these things as just being thoughts, but i KNOW i didn't have them when i was feeling good (which is really why i'm noticing them now. i wouldn't otherwise.) and i miss thinking clearly.

i see pdoc in a week, but i'm a little nervous honestly that since my mood is pretty good (more stable than it's been in a long time) that this is the best it's gonna get. which normally would have been fine, but after feeling so... clear... it seems less than par to stay like this...

i don't quite know what the point of this post is, and i'm aware i've been somewhat of a posting whore as of late, so i apologize. i'm just absolutely amazed that my thinking has been so off and i've been so unaware of it for so long. it's kind of unnerving.

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Stability does feel different for me, it does shock me how much I was suffering when I had episodes, and there is no guarantee that I won't have episodes again. Stability is different for different people, some people have a remission of all symptoms, some people reach a point where they have symptoms that don't interfere too much their lives, some people have episodes. I think your best bet is to be honest with your pdoc and discuss what might have brought about the wellness and how it can be maintained.

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Just looking at your meds quickly, I'm wondering why you haven't tried more AAP's? Given that, from your description, a good bit of your thinking could be construed as paranoia, that seems like it could be worth a shot.

Also wondering why you're taking less and less clonazepam, if your usual level of anxiety is so high?

More than anything, what you're describing sounds like OCD. Have you discussed that possibility with your pdoc?

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Just looking at your meds quickly, I'm wondering why you haven't tried more AAP's? Given that, from your description, a good bit of your thinking could be construed as paranoia, that seems like it could be worth a shot.

Also wondering why you're taking less and less clonazepam, if your usual level of anxiety is so high?

More than anything, what you're describing sounds like OCD. Have you discussed that possibility with your pdoc?

i went on the risperdal during a crappy mixed episode with paranoid delusions. it knocked me out of it pretty quickly, but then i had all kinds of side effects and was told to stop. i haven't been back to the pdoc yet, but he mentioned trying other ones. i guess he hadn't seen a need for it before then. i should also mention that i haven't told him about this because i've just realized that this probably isn't normal.

the klonopin is PRN and once again i didn't realize my anxiety had been through the roof until i started too feel better. it has also been much higher in the past, so, yeah, i've been using relatively less. a lot of it is also situational esp when driving and i don't want to take it then. pdoc also mentioned fading out some of the klonopin at some point in the future when stable as most of the anxiety is mania related.

ocd has been mentioned to me n the past and i've told pdoc, but there's been no conclusion on that yet.

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I'd say maybe talking to pdoc about trying a different AAP? For now, if thoughts are racing and anxiety is up, there's no real issue using a few more prn klonopins if you need to to get you to your next appt, I would think.

Some people just need to be on an AAP for real stability (I am one of them, btw).

Anna

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