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Here you go:

- depression and self-injuring started when I was about 16. Was not recognised as such so no treatment.

- depression got a very tight grip in the early 90's. This was eventually recognised and Prozac quite literally saved me. I had my suicide planned.

- alcohol went from being 'a beer after work' to 'where's the JD' at 3pm. More and harder but not that bad.

- meds then changed slightly through the usual ones for the next 10 years. During this time my stress levels were going up, my drinking escalated and I indulged in a lot of body piercings.

- in 2000 (I was 36 then) an event took my stress to new levels

- in 2001 I was assaulted. A few months later I went into work for the Late shift and when handover had been done I couldn't move, I couldn't take charge. I was (nicely) sent home and went on the sick.

- in 2002 I left work and my drinking which was already high hit silly levels. I could drink amazing amounts of alcohol and still function

- in Feb 2003 I quit drinking overnight. The "I wonder if I can go 10 minutes without a drink" approach where the 10 was a 1 a lot of the time. But I did it.

- in or just before March 2003 I lost it. I was in the numb dark crying places and then I was dancing with rainbows. I wouldn't move or I'd cycle miles to a shop when the one 50yds down the road had the same item. Wouldn't have a shower but another day would see a smear on a glass and I'd clean the entire kitchen til sparkles appeared. I'd do huge amounts of work on the computer and other times aimlessly click around or play Bejeweled again and again again again.

I forget all the drugs I've had but I do know my psych is looking at which to start again with. Current chemicals are Lithium Carbonate 1200mg, Lamotrigine 250mg and Duloxetine 30mg. The 250mg is something he suggested and I thought I'd go with. Duloxetine I'll be telling him I want off. It is a horrible horrible drug.

So why come here? I'm a mess and I don't know how to make the psych understand that. My wife rang the GP who rang me - I had no idea she was doing this - and he said I sounded fine and I do. I gave him no cause for concern. He didn't want to mess with the meds or add anything and does want me to have a blood test which is fair enough. But I'll be the same when I go see the psych. How do you tell this person who you see once in a blue moon but that you are sort of happy to see because maybe they can help that you feel so crap when on that day it might not be so bad? I don't see him often enough. He's not met my wife and got background there.

I'm usually okay with explaining things but not now, not this. My wife - she's a mental health nurse (got the right one there eh) - says she thinks I have borderline personality disorder traits too. And my last psych said on more than one occasion that I was emotionally unstable. I don't want a label but I do want the right label if it'll help get me a step closer to being as normal as I can be.

I'm depressed. Not far enough to be numb and still but deep enough that my fingers can't break through the surface to touch anything close to happy. I have books to read, games to play, films to watch, a bike to ride and more. All good stuff but it's there and I'm here. Sad is probably a better word, very sad.

So why come here? To listen, learn and ramble where appropriate.

( and as much as I love bodyart nipple clamps never did it for me )

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Welcome to Crazyboards. I hope you can pick up some information and suggestions that are useful.

Are you seeing a therapist? A good therapist could work with the psychiatrist, and you'll spend a lot more time talking to him/her than you would with the pdoc. I don't think drugs alone can do the whole job with mental illness--therapy is hugely important.

Please contact a mod or admin if you have any questions.

olga

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