Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

Stable- and it feels weird.


Recommended Posts

I've had a funny year. Early last year, a psychiatrist declared that I didn't have rapid-cycling bipolar 1, but borderline PD (in part, I understand why: I wasn't compliant with medication for the most part because I hated the side effects, I used to self harm and I could be impulsive, but only in high moods. I didn't have any other features like relationship problems or whatever, though. But I had been quite young when I entered The System, and I think most teenagers have BPD traits!). I had been taking a quite low dose of Seroquel to sleep, which was keeping me sane-ish, because lack of sleep messes with me. He said I could come off it, so I did. I predictably went high for three months then crashed down very severely. It was noted that he might have got that one wrong and my care worker hadn't agreed anyway. I ended up being offered a spell in hospital, back on medication, with an antidepressant added short term to pull me out of the hole. It worked.

But after that, I started taking everything more seriously. The sharp contrast of the mood swings scared the living shit out of my boyfriend for a start! I took up a course and felt that I had to kick this shit and take the medication because I knew, deep down, it worked, and I had rebelled against it for a long time. My messing around with my medication has definitely destabilised me and prolonged my ill periods, and I wish I'd just been accepted this from the start. I don't like sleeping too much, I don't like the weight gain, and I had gotten used to having highs and lows- it's the way I lived my life. My natural temperament is a quite cheerful, active one and this med (it's just Seroquel) makes me a little quieter, a little less active. I haven't wanted to accept being that way. But this is working for me. I am, for the first time in ages, stable. Completely fine. Apart from my borked concentration and sleeping longer than most people, you would never have guessed I was ill. I'm not flat, I'm not depressed, either. I'm normal.

And it's very weird. I'm not used to this. I was well enough to be discharged from the mental health team, after four years. They've given me a plan if I get ill again, and I dread that, very much. I'm being uber careful. I'm going to bed early, as much as I resent it. I'm, for the most part, avoiding alcohol too. At the same time, though, I am getting almost-flashbacks to my worst times, my most embarrassing behaviours. I just want to bite my fist off sometimes, in embarrassment. Towards the end of the high mood last year, it turned nasty and paranoid and I remember believing that my friend had been replaced by a doppelganger, and buying shit to track people online. I remember buying fancy dinners every day because I thought I could afford it, buying presents constantly for my boyfriend, and I remember, towards the end, biting the walls and banging my head just to find somewhere to get the energy out, trashing my room and screaming because my brain was going so fast that it was terrifying me, and just talking, constantly, for months, dancing around, making friends and then the end just being horrific and frightening. I remember wandering the streets looking for drugs even though I don't take them. And I remember pulling clothes out of my drawers and firing them out the window for passersby.

It's hard to explain to people. I"m embarking on a new bit of my life right now, and I'm scared of this happening to me again. I'm happy at the moment- not manic, not euphoric, just happy. And it's lovely. But normal mood, stability, it's strange.

Does anyone else ever feel that way about stability? If you feel "recovered", do you sometimes get scared of getting ill?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

i don't have much to offer, but about a week or two ago i had 4-5 stable days that were the first i've had in literally years. it changed my whole way of thinking about things. i was wanting/getting help before and med compliant, but i didn't realize how "off" i had been before and when everything started to come back, it was scary. i could identify everything that was "off," which was good in a way, but scary at the same time because i could see what was coming and how far off of "normal" it really is.

so, basically, it really changed my outlook on things.

that being said, it was strange. i remember when i first started having symptoms way back when that i had periods of relative normalcy at times that left me feeling like "now what...?" i didn't know what to do with myself and i did miss the ups and downs because i was used to them and it defined me. now i'm just exhausted by them, but i still think i'll miss it in a way once i'm more stable. we'll see though.

i'm glad you're feeling well though!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Stability can definitely be disorienting. While it's great that the crazy's in remission, its absence also requires you to figure out a whole new way of being in the world.

As far as the regret and embarrassment when you think of past episodes, I think that's something everyone goes through. I don't have tons of advice for handling it, other than telling you that it will get better, with time.

I'd also encourage you to consider other med options, considering the ongoing issues you're having with side effects from seroquel. There are other AAP's, with which you might not feel so sedated. Just a thought. If you want to stick with what's currently working for you, that's totally a reasonable choice.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you for replying, I feel very similarly. I'd become used to the way I was and thought it was normal- for me, anyway. Now, with a bit more perspective and a clearer head to see, I know it's not. Sometimes it's horrifying, and sometimes I feel floored by grief because of it. I've had normal periods before, but they were brief. I didn't have the time to gather my thoughts, really. The being defined by it is something I understand, too. I feel like I let it take over. I've also been part of the whole "bipolar community" online- now I feel a bit like I don't fit in. Stability is certainly more boring than mania (though not as boring as depression). I haven't really got anything to report anymore! I know that's silly, but it's how I feel. There are people I'm meeting now too who I know would judge me and not understand that I was ever ill, either- and I feel weird about that. It's always been kind of obvious.

Anyway, thank you, I'm glad someone understands. I hope more stability comes your way.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

After being diagnosed Bipolar 1 with psychotic features after four years of being ill, I am finally stable on 1000mg of depakote. Now I know what "normal" feels like, but I don't know what to do with myself now. I mean for years, I had tied mystical and special meanings to my relationships and social interactions in life, tying into telepathy, astrology, "spirituality", coincidence. It gave my life meaning. I'm glad I got help and am finally stable. But now, I don't know how to connect with people. I'm still isolating, but its not out of depression or paranoia. I feel like a marine trying to live a civilian life again. Any suggestions? Please? Thank you!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Stability can definitely be disorienting. While it's great that the crazy's in remission, its absence also requires you to figure out a whole new way of being in the world.

As far as the regret and embarrassment when you think of past episodes, I think that's something everyone goes through. I don't have tons of advice for handling it, other than telling you that it will get better, with time.

I'd also encourage you to consider other med options, considering the ongoing issues you're having with side effects from seroquel. There are other AAP's, with which you might not feel so sedated. Just a thought. If you want to stick with what's currently working for you, that's totally a reasonable choice.

(Apologies, having trouble quoting!)

Because I was moving to another area as well as being discharged, they didn't want to mess with my medication, as there'd be no follow up. They encouraged me to register with a new GP ASAP, so if things started going mad then I could quickly get help. The doctor suggested Seroquel XR and flagged it up on my records. I asked about Lamictal, but again, there wasn't much they could do. Unlike before, I'm more open to the idea of taking other medication now if I need to. The sedation is a bit crap but I think sleeping regularly helps a lot. The side effects are more managable than the ones I had on Lithium and Depakote, which were awful.

I do certainly feel like I'm trying to find my way again, really. It's a bit like waking up after a long sleep, punctuated by some insane dreams. Except, alas, everyone else remembers the dreams, too.

LittleLadybug, I understand what you mean about not knowing how to connect. I feel the same; in a way, my moods took care of my socialising. When I was a little high, I felt social, I found it easy. When I was low, I was antisocial, and I just hid. My natural disposition seems to be one of anxiety and quasi-shyness (indeed, I was also struck with the AvPD one a while back, but I don't think it's quite that bad). I'm not sure how to deal with it, but just doing it helps. It's tempting to lock the doors but it makes it worse in the long run, I think. Practise on strangers, it's what I'm doing! Then if you come across a wee bit mad, it's okay, you never see them again!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A really eye opening thing stability brought me is the realization that I don't have all these character flaws that I thought I did. When functioning well most of that goes away. I'm like a normal person! (Whatever that is)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...