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I feel really wrong.

Really really wrong.

I just thought of everything that's piled up, and what landed on the top of that pile was my whole mess 'o pills and the accompanying thought that I could easily take them all.

Realistically, I'm not sure what would happen.

Maybe some organ damage. But that's just right now.

If I had my concerta, my heart might explode.

Would probably explode.

Actually, just all the wellbutrin would be likely to put me up there too.

Anyway...

I feel so trapped as to think that munching away at my pills like a pharmaceutical grade bowl of popcorn is going to be a good way to "wipe the slate clean".

I have a lot of work to do tonight.

My brain won't cooperate.

I have a paper due tomorrow.

I COULD have gotten an extension on it, but my head is on so ass backwards lately that I didn't ask for it in time. So now I'm stuck.

Fuck.

A duck.

The dining hall sucks.

It sucks ass.

Industrial powered ass.

So I'm just frustrated and eating whatever. Again.

And I'm feeling like shit.

Right now my stomach hurts and my joints hurt and I feel nauseaus and my mood sucks. Sucks sucks sucks.

And I'm just generally pissed off.

I'm pissed at the world.

I'm having a lengthy "Poor me" moment. I hate that I can't just eat whatever, that I feel better if I don't.

Another thing I'm pissed about?

I'm twenty eight, been with a great guy for over five years and I'm still in school with no house, no baby, no marriage, no ring.

ALL MY FRIENDS ARE FUCKING MARRIED AND HAVING KIDS.

And like, they joke about "oh, we shouldn't talk about so much mommy stuff in front of [Luna], she's sick of it"

No, no. You don't understand. I really want to have a kid. And I'm so fucking jealous it's not even funny. And then they treat me like...

Oh silly person who doesn't have a kid! Why would you possibly be interested in anything having to do with them?

And it hurts. So. Much.

I can't have that.

Everything happens in it's own time/for a reason/when you're ready.

BLAH BLAH FUCKIN BLAH.

GODDAMNIT. I'm so beyond unfulfilled it's fucking hysterical.

Everyone I know can move on with their life.

I'm just spinning the wheels.

It's not right.

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You have 3424 posts? Awesome. Maybe you can put them together in some form, or at least the recent ones?

"It's not right."

Amen. (Truer words were never spoken.)

So we use our heads to figure out how to deal with it?

I'm asking you.

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I don't know what to say about a lotm of that.

I got a degree. Then my mind ate itself. Now I work a job where they have hired an 18- and a 19-year old. And yes, as they say, I'm "happy just to have a job."

I've learned to live with feeling rappy, but notm on your level. That's a lot of crap.

In fact, it was at about your age where I finally broke, come to think about it...

Anyways. Fulfillment isn't a goal, or shouldn't be. You walk a path, and there it is, is what I think. I had goals, they up and got ripped away from me, I didn't bother setting new ones. Life wiothout goals is...nice. (Note, however, that in one of the toughest times of my life I said that if I had nothing else to show I'd have that damn degree...even if it hasn't done any good since).

Fuck those friends. They shouldn't be joking about the kid stuff. Real friends don't pull that shit, they help each other out.

Anyways. Wish I could help more. Just sitting here trying to chew up more than I can handle myself...oops went and set some damn goals again...

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also listening...

have you discussed the relationship thing? is it just not ready to move to the next stage?

It just can't right now.

It just makes me sad sometimes.

I don't know what else to say.

I feel lost. I don't know. It's all so confusing.

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I'm 26. Still trying to go to school, no degree, no family, no life. I was at least out living on my own before I broke, now I'm paying rent at my friend's father's place. I just came back from a wedding shower for a friend. A friend who's younger than me by two years, about to become a step-mother, and happier now than I've ever seen her. It feels like life is just passing by. That you're stuck and not at all where you should be.

I want those things too. I may never have them. Sometimes I wonder what the point is.

But if you don't stay and try to find them - they're something you'll never have. Sometimes all we can ask of ourselves is to keep going. Not an easy task. However, without it there's nothing.

I wish there was something I could say that would make you feel better, but there's not. All I can say is that I'm sorry you're having to deal with all this, I wish you well, and that I'm here to listen.

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Luna,

First off, give yourself some love. Take care of yourself. I'm 47 and I don't think it gets any easier as the years go by.

Sorry, but thats based on experience. This shit is degenerative. Right now? I think you need to take care of Luna an not her degree program. There won't be one if you can't step in and say ok, world hold it........I NEED A FUCKING BREAK. Sounds like right now? You need a fucking break. Do something for yourself. Be good to yourself right now....and fuck the world and its expectations. You will get bored soon enuf by being righteous to yourself and you;ll get back on track when that boredom hits.

.

RIght now, I see someone doing a lot of 'spose to's' and a lot of artificial deadlines that can and often must be broken.

You won't have anything left if you go on at a life pace dictated by other asssholes. Dunno why but the title "Everything is Broken" comes to mind from Dylan. When everything is broken? We can't go forward or back, yanno?

Breathe. Take a week off from the whole shithouse. You might think thats not possible. It is. Trust me on that. But if you drive yourself into the ground there is no future ANYTHING. Take back your life from a hypocritcal and demeneted world. If there is no Luna there is no anything else. Comprende?

Fuck school, fuck papers, fuck it all. If you can't just stop and say wait! I'm me, and I exist ! Then whats the fucking point eh?\

You need to regroup and to take time outs. We all do. As I mentioned previously......without an integral you in the mix , the rest doesn't matter. Play it fast and loose and fuck the wankers who want you on their schedule. Please. Please...........take the time to breathe and you know what? The degree and the glory will still be there tomorrow......or the day after, or the day after that. As a teacher and survivor of educational systems? You will improve your GPA by at least 10 percent by telling relevant profs et al about what you are going thru. Dialog, communication.......it never hurts.

In the meantime, its my non professional recommendation , as your attorney, that you take care of Luna first. The rest of it can wait, It will have to if ..it wants you in their world.... and bloody fucking hell, a world that doesn't want Luna is not one necessarily worth living in? K?

Stay well, and stay in touch with what you need to stay in touch with. Promise?

hugs

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And like, they joke about "oh, we shouldn't talk about so much mommy stuff in front of [Luna], she's sick of it"

No, no. You don't understand. I really want to have a kid. And I'm so fucking jealous it's not even funny. And then they treat me like...

Oh silly person who doesn't have a kid! Why would you possibly be interested in anything having to do with them?

Who are these supposed friends? This would totally piss me off.

I didn't have a kids until I was in my early 40's. I didn't find the love job of my life until I was 50. Age 28? I was living in NYC, single, working jobs I hated, depressed, lonely.

Right now I have an amazing partner and child, work that I would do for free, the confidence to paint and meds to keep me sane. AND I AM 54!!

Fuck other people. Everyone is different. I compare myself all the time. it is deadly, just deadly. You are who you are.

This is my theme song:

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You go woman, er, girl, er child .........(Cf Fear and Loathing in Vegas) Like Water just said........in your time. Not some arbitrary schedule made up by uptight WASPs who think they define sanity and normalcy.....

Keep on rockin in the free world, Luna, its the only way to go.....

peace

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"uptight WASPs who think they define sanity" :wtf:

Faustus, it is very possible that her profs are all races, genders, and heritage. She could have a mixed race lesbian buddhist art therapy prof who has strict deadlines. LOL I doubt if Luna's stress has anything to do with White Anglo Saxon Prostestants. :P But your support and encouragement to Luna is touching. And she does need a little break, I agree.

WASP.jpg

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I have a break finally.

And I just finished a paper.

And I know I'm supposed to rest but I just can't stop and chill, because I'm all full of anxiety.

I'm trying to just relax and take my time and do the work I need to do without freaking out entirely but it's REALLY REALLY hard.

I think my general stress level is down a bit. But my anxiety is whacked out.

I just feel like there's all this stuff to do. Not even just school stuff.

Life stuff too.

Im trying to just chill. but, I don't know. I keep going back and forth with what I'm feeling.

Very little stability.

I've been in chat a bit and that's kind of helping sometimes.

Life is so high maintenance.

Anyway. Thank you, everyone.

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I don't know that I hqve anything all that useful to add, other than hoping things feel less crappy, and more manageable, soonest. I'm currently having my own struggles not letting the crazy, and its med accessories, get in the way of school. So, yeah ... It's hard.

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