Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

Recommended Posts

I am so fed up with myself at the moment. I just can't focus on anything or motivate myself. I have schizoaffective disorder and am taking clozapine, its helping in a sense but I just feel I am trapped in this bubble of nothing, and that nothing can get through to me. I have no idea how I get through the day as I don't do anything. I can't read or watch tv. I can't even get myself to play on my games console and I avoid human interaction. I go to a gardening group a few times a week, even though I think I enjoy it, its hard to get myself out of the house to go there. My psych said I have negative symptoms, Im not sure if this is what she is referring to? I just feel so lazy and eurgh, even my hygiene is poor. I want to change all of this but I feel stuck Its like my brain has been destroyed and I just can't focus on anything.

Any advice?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm finding this really stressful. I feel so lazy too, like I just need to push myself or force myself to do stuff but I can't. I hope things wont be like this forever. I just don't know what to do really. I'm glad your memory has improved a bit.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

That is what I understand to be negative symptoms, anyway. I have/had a lot of the same stuff and thought my medications were causing it but it turned out I was not on enough. Now its specially drugs like Invega - which is what I am on that helps with this stuff. Could also be some depression and I take meds that also help with that. My functioning is alot better with the increase in the Invega - I can read my philosophy books again.dunce.gif

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I haven't been able to read in over a year, and even then it was a struggle. I just feel like this ball of empty space that floats around the place and does nothing. The majority of my time is spent on two websites on the internet. After a big push I can get myself out to the gardens though, which is good. I spent 8 months in hospital last year and I think that hacked away at my concentration too. Just finding it so hard to get going. Blah. Will talk to my psychiatrist next time i see them. is invenga risperidone?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Negative symptoms suck. I have them too, lack of motivation, lack of energy, no interest, no happiness. I think it's a combo of the schizoaffective and some depression but I just can't seem to shake it. I switched from Risperdal to Invega, but that made me more depressed so I switched back. It just varies from person to person. It's great that you're getting yourself out to gardening group. I think sometimes you just have to try to force yourself to do things, even if you don't want to. As for the focus, my pdoc prescribed Ritalin, it helps a little bit I guess. I hope you and your pdoc can figure out something to get you feeling better.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest Vapourware

Don't think of yourself as lazy - this isn't something of your choosing. I agree with the others that it does sound like negative symptoms with perhaps some depression mixed in. It's good you are able to go to the gardens at least. Negative symptoms are comparatively more difficult to deal with than positive symptoms, generally speaking, because the process of making them go away is harder. A tweak in your medication regime might help with the motivation and concentration issues.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sorry to hear about your negative symptoms. I have them horribly too. I can't read. Drive. Go to school. (failed out too many times to count) Work. Watch a movie or tv.

No motivation at all to change anything either. I feel and think that others think I'm so lazy. I don't even want to shower daily. Most of the time I don't. Gross I know. And I'm starting to not care about my dental health as much either. I used to before I got all psychotic and messed up.

I just wonder what the hell is wrong with me you know? I know it can be part of the disorder. But I feel like I'm making excuses for myself. I feel like I'm a lazy dumbass. I never used to be lazy. Used to work full-time, go to college (honors program and band program), keep up an apartment with a roommate (cook and clean), shower daily, brush teeth x2 and floss daily, read, go to the gym nearly daily, drive, etc. etc. Now what am I!? A fucking blob that's what I am. I don't even do 10% of what I used to do. SZA hit and then part of me went down the toilet.

And people tell me, "Oh, you can do anything you set your mind too!" hahaha very funny! And what, end up in the state hospital again for nearly a year? That sounds fun. NOT. My husband would probably divorce me. Then what would I do? Become a recluse that's what. OK I'll shut up now.

But yes I feel your pain.

I hope things improve for you soon.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Closest friend once told me to just start off doing 30 minutes of work a day and go from there and I could not do it. He said it was a discipline problem and I felt horrible because he was blaming me - almost the only person I ever really trusted to tell almost everything to. I was real disappointed and depressed and when I am depressed I tend to believe that its all my fault and the voices say it is - anyway. Really awful thing. I had no choice at the time but to believe him because I trust him so much and he knows so many things about illness. This one thing is just beyond him.

Often I can't even watch the news because I just can't get up the brain power to put together what is being said. I hear it and see it and it goes right past me. I can read a book, read a paragraph and think I understand it then realize I do not even know what I just read. I tell others its "because of the voices". I blame everything on "the voices" because people can understand that so that's what I say and at times that is true but most of the time its just because my brain is a lump on a log.

I sit in the same chair most of the day going between surfing failblog, icanhasacheezburger, facebook and my email half the time not getting that. I'm guilty as charged when it comes to 4chan/b/ but if I was my old self I'd be Anonymous but now? Well - I still like simple cartoons the best - like Tom and Jerry because I am at least entertained tho Spong Bob is nice, too. And I used to do polar to rectangular conversions for fun and teach them once per term to my dad's AC electronics class! Catch that - for FUN. I thought Calc was an interesting pastime, too. It seems early in my illness I was fascinated with math, physics and philosophy and was able to do them. I actually would get into these altered states that was like getting high when I would concentrate on them for a while - i would start to get all these insights. They may not have been insights at all but everything seemed so perfectly clear to me.

If this had not happened to me I'd be sitting pretty having gotten my degree in electronics in 1989! Can you imagine - and I specialized in computers (was called digital at the time) - can you even imagine where I'd be today? Hack the best, fuck the rest? I can't even recall machine language or the voltage drop across a diode. I did the electronics after being diagnosed at 15! But then this gradually set in and seems to have stolen my mind. What seems to be left now is at times I can rant and for some reason when I do it thought out about my life - some people like the rants.

Sometimes I feel like an empty shell. I can not believe at times I can not get myself together enough to get OUT of the tub for hours - not to mention getting in the first place - if that makes any sense. I've had times when hubby has made me get out or get in - or both. At my worst I do nothing and know nothing - or so it seems.

For a while I was convinced I had a stroke. I got very upset when I could not find a Dr that would believe this and explain these things because I did not understand that Schizo is actually physical brain damage. I could not imagine that it could cause these things and my pdoc was saying it was all depression. Lousy county clinic that had me on prolixin injections just because I kept forgetting to take my pills.

Like I said, mine has been better recently with a medication increase but it isn't perfect and any stress seems to make mine worse! So when I most need to be doing things its like a freeze and become that lazy bum - once to the point of being homeless.

Sorry about the rant. Just wanted to get some of that off my chest.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...